Autumn

chapter fifteen
descent.

she's dry against the
mead-colored sunset,
bleeding browns and whites.
whatever happened to her neverland?
whatever happened to riverdance?
on waiting list for stronger squalls,
she is just another grain of sand
trickling down from chin to chest -

worry not, sand is more
precious than stars.
and this time there's no doubt
that we were built to be broken.

Incredible. One of your most beautiful.

Beer-colored sunset... eep. So it's ended with a batch of alcohol and now she's bleeding it all out.

Yeah, this is pretty. In a slightly morbid way, of course...

Beautiful, hon.

My one nitpicky thing is that beer doesn't seem to go with the rest of the diction; maybe mead would work better.

she is just another grain of sand
trickling down from chin to chest -

worry not, sand is more
precious than stars.
and this time there's no doubt
that we were built to be broken.

- Loves! Wow...

Yours,
CL.

No! I like the beer! Nobody drinks mead... *sulks*

Great poem! I really enjoyed this!

One issue I have is these two lines:

worry not, sand is more
precious than stars.

Huh? I'm confused...
Where did the stars reference come from? I don't really see how it relates to the sand you had been describing.

Maybe you could somehow work the stars into an earlier reference. Like when you were talking about the sun. Sun and stars are a nice contrast....

Other than that I'd stay it's perfect! Great job!

Tropicana wrote:Great poem! I really enjoyed this!

One issue I have is these two lines:

worry not, sand is more
precious than stars.

Huh? I'm confused...
Where did the stars reference come from? I don't really see how it relates to the sand you had been describing.

Maybe you could somehow work the stars into an earlier reference. Like when you were talking about the sun. Sun and stars are a nice contrast....

Other than that I'd stay it's perfect! Great job!

What I interpretted was that sand was something "earthly" and stars were something "heavenly." So by saying that sand was more precious than stars, it's basically denouncing God, in a way, and because of this denouncement, "there's no doubt / that we were built to be broken."

^_^

Snoink beat me to it.

chapter 15??

anyway, a lovely poem and great words.

i loved this line
"worry not, sand is more
precious than stars. "

Haha... I suppose you're not referring to my story with the chapter fifteen stuff, which, coincidentally, IN the version you read, chapter fifteen had the drunk scene, LMAO!

Coincidence? I think not...

Very strong imagery.

My one complaint is about these two lines:

"worry not, sand is more
precious than stars."

They sounded kind of choppy like that. Maybe if you added in a "the" between "than" and "stars" or moved "precious" up to the previous line it would have a better flow to it. Just a suggestion, though.

Again: nice work.

Chapter 15 --- I'm turning 15. Hahah

Love it. So many people have experience the disappointment of dreams and sometimes we have to be reminded that it's all part of life. A new dream will come along to carry us for a while, and the cycle will repeat.

Or something. *needs sleep*

Anyway, beautiful. And leave the first two lines of the last stanza alone - they're fine as is.

One of your best so far. I liked the imagery it was strong and the contrast of the sand and stars made sense to me x