Help me with my query?

Hello! I'm submitting to Pitch Wars at the beginning of next month, and I would love some feedback on my query before I do.

EDIT - here is my 3rd go around:


Molly wants to spend her summer before college winning the love of Noah. They’ve been friends since freshman year, but what he doesn’t know is that she’s always wanted it to be something more. Senior year was rocky, and Molly fears this summer could be her last shot at keeping him in her life. Her plan is complicated by the constant and overbearing presence of Noah’s girlfriend, and a three week mission trip to the Philippines she’s been waiting to go on all year.

One week into her perfect trip, the group she is traveling with is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy. Noah is left reeling with the news. He’s supposed to be excited to start building a future with his girlfriend, but now he can’t stop thinking about Molly. Noah will have to decide how he really feels about Molly and if he’s willing to sacrifice his current relationship for a girl that might not ever come home.

Trapped in the jungle, Molly clings to the hope that she will make it out of this nightmare alive. She can’t die without ever telling Noah how she really feels, and she can’t waste her life waiting for freedom that may never come. With the help of her fellow captives, Molly devises an escape plan that could lead to their rescue if their captors don’t discover what they’re up to first.

CAPTIVE is a dual POV contemporary romance YA complete at 85,000 words and told in a nonlinear fashion. It will appeal to fans of STOLEN and IF I STAY.


Here's the 2nd draft -

Spoiler

Eighteen-year-old Molly has just graduated from high school and is ready for an adventure before she leaves for college in the fall. She leaves for a three week mission trip to the Philippines with a group of people she has never met. It’s the trip of a lifetime, but one week in, everything goes wrong. The group she is traveling with is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy.

Trapped in the jungle, Molly clings to hope that she’ll make it out of this nightmare alive. She has people back home she is eager to return to, including her long-time crush Noah. Their friendship has been rocky through the years and she fears that this summer could be her last chance to show him that they could be something more. If Molly’s ransom can’t be paid, she’ll have to decide how much she is willing to risk to make it safely home.

[Meanwhile, the news of Molly’s capture leaves Noah reeling, and after a tragedy shakes his family he’s left feeling more lost than ever. His girlfriend doesn’t understand why he’s spending so much time worrying about Molly and why he’s suddenly questioning the future she has designed for them. Noah isn’t sure either. He just knows that he’s not happy, and he never will be happy until he learns how to stand up to the people in his life that are holding him back.]

IF I STAY meets STOLEN in a 85,000 word dark, YA contemporary romance.


The majority of the story is told from Molly's perspective, but Noah has an important line too. I'm assuming I should include that in the query (hence the final paragraph in brackets.)

Here's the first draft -

Spoiler

What Molly wants most is to be able to spend her summer getting back on friendly terms with her long-time crush Noah. They didn’t leave their senior year on a good note, and Molly wants to change that before they both leave for college in the fall. She takes it as a good sign when he comes to her graduation party and agrees to start fresh once she gets back from her service trip to the Philippines. The only problem is, Noah already has a girlfriend, and she doesn’t like how much time Molly is spending with Noah. She wants to push Molly out of the picture as much as Molly is trying to win her way back in.

Molly leaves for her trip, hopeful that when she gets back everything will go back to normal and that she will be able to not only rekindle her friendship with Noah, but maybe even start something more. But a week into what should have been the trip of a lifetime, everything goes wrong. The group she is traveling with is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy. Trapped in the jungle, Molly has to decide how much she is willing to risk to make it safely home.

CAPTIVE is a 85,000 word YA contemporary romance. Told from two perspectives, it is STOLEN (Lucy Christopher) meets IF I STAY (Gayle Forman).

Thanks much!

I'm by no means a professional or anything, but personally I would shorten the first paragraph and expand a bit more on the second. The first paragraph seems very typical YA romance and at that point a person may get bored. I don't know though. Try to make the unique points of your novel stand out in the extremely flooded genre.

Describe your narrative style as 'unique' or 'original' and say how it works maybe?

Lastly, and a hard one, is describing your novel as blank meets blank. It's a weird thing to give an opinion on because on one hand it really helps get a feel for the novel in such a short amount of words, but "if I stay" was such a huge commercial success that pitting your novel against it might not be the best idea. Yeah, its a tricky one. So I looked it up and found this article that might help: http://writersrelief.com/blog/2015/06/book-comparisons-in-query/

In my non professional opinion it seems like a really good pitch! I'd definitely be interested in reading it! Good luck!

Feel free to disregard my opinion because of my intimate knowledge of what Captive is about.

I feel like the first paragraph is wordy and sounds too much like every other YA romance out there. Also, you don't really make Molly or Noah sound too special or too unique as characters. Maybe you should play up how much Molly wants to go on the trip?

The second paragraph is a lot better in terms of wordiness, and it really does sound like the back of a book.

As for the "told from two perspectives" thing, I'd leave it at that, just because if you explain that one is 1st person and one is 3rd it'll probably turn them away, but when you just go into it as your reading, it isn't really jarring. "Told from two perspectives" is all we really need to know to get an idea for the kind of story it is.
(Also, RIP Laura's perspective. )

Now, I said it sounds like the blurb on the back of a book, which is good to an extent, but from the (little bit) I know about queries and pitches, what you want to send in your query isn't quite the same as what should wind up on the back of a book. So, I'm going to recommend you some podcasts.

The podcast is called Writing Excuses, and it is hands down the best place to go for writing advice. It's hosted by four published authors (their books are really good, you should check them out), and it has 10 seasons. Here are some episodes specifically about queries/pitching:
Query Letters
Pitching
General Publishing Q&A

I hope those help! I know you know the basics and stuff, but I kinda just want to share the awesome podcast with you. You should totally listen to a lot of their podcasts.

Since this is a query for a contest I'm not sure exactly what they'll want. If you were sending this away to an agent there would be a lot I'd tell you to add/fix. But I'll just focus on what you have here.

With a query you're really selling your main character. You'll want to make the person reading it want to care enough about them to keep reading. That's who you want to focus on, which is what you have here to an extent.

I'd actually scrap the entire first paragraph. Still hold on to what is says though because it's good stuff. Make the second paragraph the first and focus on what's happening to Molly in the Philippines. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems to be the main plot of the novel. The romance side seems to be the driving force behind whatever Molly does. Sprinkle the information about her and Noah into that. Use that to show how she'll fight to get home to him. That adds depth to Molly and the person reading the query will get the grand idea of this novel.

Since I haven't read your novel I'm at a disadvantage to tell you what to put in your query and what not to. Do let me know if I misinterpreted any part of your blurb so I can fix my suggestions.

Good luck in the contest!

@Gardevite, @Meandbooks, & @Noelle - Thank you thank you thank you!! <3

I've thought about all of your suggestions and wrote my second draft up there on the first post. Check it out again if you would like, but don't feel obligated

I think the second draft is a big improvement! I get a way better sense of the story and what's going on. I think you managed to mix the first and second paragraphs of the first draft really well! I don't have any immediate suggestions, if I think of something I'll come back, but this seems to be all good!

Your first paragraph needs a ton of work.

I feel like I have read a dozen blurbs with exactly that premise. Trip of a lifetime, life changing adventure, etc. While you do have something semi-interesting to differentiate yourself, you proceed to undo it all with never following up on "people she's never met"— the group dynamics make no further appearance, which, in turn, makes me wonder why you wasted so much real estate hinting at a conflict that is never there.

I would not put brackets around Noah's perspective because for me that looked like something you were unsure of. It's clear enough Noah's perspective shows up, but the way you worded the girlfriend made her sound abusive ("future she designed for them") which is a bit of a turn off because "abusive vs nonabusive partner choice" is so ridiculously common. While I am more than aware of what makes people stay in an abusive relationship, it's often handled poorly and in such a way that you wonder why the bad relationship happened in the first place.

The middle paragraph is the most interesting thing there, but it feels lost in "why should we care?" sea. Because you under-utilized your first paragraph, the conflicts in the second paragraph feel like they appear out of nowhere and make me go "wait, I thought this was a self discovery story, not a romance".

All in all, this feels disconnected in each paragraph. Pick a conflict, make it unique from the very first sentence, and don't stray off to give side plots when you don't follow up on them.

The main issue I see with the second draft is that, despite the story being told from two perspectives, the pitch is all about Molly.

I think it would better if, from the get-go, you talked about where Molly and Noah are in their respective lives. At the least, it's a more direct lead-in to the romance aspect which is a bit lacking in the second draft.

Carlito! This is me knowing nothing about this book, but having a deep and unabiding love for queries. SO HERE WE GO.

Eighteen-year-old Molly has just graduated from high school and is ready for an adventure before she leaves for college in the fall. She leaves for a three week mission trip to the Philippines with a group of people she has never met. It’s the trip of a lifetime, but one week in, everything goes wrong. The group she is traveling with is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy.

Alright, so first things first try to avoid any kind of wordiness. Anytime you're using more words to say something than you need to. For example, "Eighteen-year-old Molly has just graduated high school" is redundant. High school graduates are always about 18 years old. You can just say "Molly has graduated high school" and the same point is made. Comb through your entire query after you've rewritten in and look for any time you say things twice, say things in more words than you need, etc.

And second! This should be the final paragraph of your pitch. Remember, you're not giving them an all encompassing view of the plot. You're trying to hook them. You want to make them want to read more. The idea that Molly's mission trip group is kidnapped by a rebel militia is super compelling, and I'm assuming the main conflict of the book. Therefore, your pitch should lead us right up to that main conflict and leave us hanging. This is a good place to close out your query.

Trapped in the jungle, Molly clings to hope that she’ll make it out of this nightmare alive. She has people back home she is eager to return to, including her long-time crush Noah. Their friendship has been rocky through the years and she fears that this summer could be her last chance to show him that they could be something more. If Molly’s ransom can’t be paid, she’ll have to decide how much she is willing to risk to make it safely home.

Most of this paragraph is unnecessary information. We can infer that, in this situation, Molly is clinging to hope and that she has people she cares about back home. The romance is not new or different enough to entice a reader when included this way. Makes it sound a bit cliche. The one line I'd keep (and tack on to the new final paragraph) is the last one. The idea that Molly might put something big on the line to make it back home. A good place to end a pitch, even better than the idea she's been trapped to begin with.

Meanwhile, the news of Molly’s capture leaves Noah reeling, and after a tragedy shakes his family he’s left feeling more lost than ever. His girlfriend doesn’t understand why he’s spending so much time worrying about Molly and why he’s suddenly questioning the future she has designed for them. Noah isn’t sure either. He just knows that he’s not happy, and he never will be happy until he learns how to stand up to the people in his life that are holding him back.

Since I'm advocating for the first paragraph being the last paragraph, I'm going to do the same (sort of) here. Noah and Molly's relationship should be the focus of the intro paragraph. This is the status quo. The model telling of how things were before everything changed. It's what stories are, and so it's what your pitch should reflect. You're building a story here and it follows a lot of the same rules. I would open talking about Noah and Molly, how they and their relationship is unique from every other teen romance. Set up that Noah has a girlfriend. Set up the will-they-won't-they. Then cut straight to Molly's mission trip. It would probably be appropriate to add something in toward the end of your pitch about how Noah is faring with this knowledge, but use the same ideas of leading up to the conflict and stopping there. Bring the tension up and make us live in it.

SO with all that rambling, here's basically what I'm calling for:

Paragraph One: Status quo. Molly & Noah's relationship. Will they or won't they? This is Molly's last chance to make her feelings known, but she's already promised herself to this mission trip.

Paragraph Two: The trip is everything Molly could have dreamed of, until it all goes wrong. Militia kidnap. There's a ransom, but [introduce the question of whether or not it can be paid; does Molly's family not have enough money? etc]. Noah is left reeling. If no one can save Molly, Molly will have to decide what she's willing to sacrifice in order to save herself.

BAM. Final sentence/paragraph indicating genre, length, and comparable titles. And you're done.

Remember, the key is to say as little as possible while giving a strong enough sense of the conflict of the story to make someone want to read the book. Think about it like a trailer for an action movie. The kinds of clips we get are a few to establish the status quo, and then several showing rising action/tension until some big moment of conflict that we can't tell if the protagonist is going to make it out of or not. Leave us wanting more.

Best of luck! You're super brave for participating in Pitch Wars, and it sounds like you have a really interesting story on your hands. If I find the time, I'll give chapter one a look too. ^^

-Lauren-

I can't thank you all enough for your feedback!! It means a lot <3

I've updated the query on the first post for your editing pleasure.

This latest draft is much better, and I think you're finally drawing near to the end.

Molly wants to spend her summer before college winning the love of Noah. They’ve been friends since freshman year, but what he doesn’t know is that she’s always wanted it to be something more. Senior year was rocky, and Molly fears this summer could be her last shot at keeping him in her life. Her plan is complicated by the constant and overbearing presence of Noah’s girlfriend, and a three week mission trip to the Philippines she’s been waiting to go on all year.

This still suffers from wordiness, but the structure is pretty sound. I'd recommend cutting out the "but what he doesn't know part" in favor of skipping to the implied fallout of senior year.

Something like: "They've been friends since freshman year, but senior year was rocky, and Molly fears this summer could be her last shot at keeping him in her life."

I'd also recommend streamlining that final sentence by omitting mentions of a plan (where did that come from?) and focusing more on how it will be an uphill battle, i.e. "But between Noah's overbearing girlfriend and Molly's upcoming mission trip to the Philippines, it won't be easy."

On a side note, this approach makes Molly sound quite selfish, what with her trying to steal away Noah from his girlfriend. If that's what you're aiming for, great! If not, you'll want to highlight the "telling him her feelings" aspect more than the "winning his love" aspect.

One week into her perfect trip, the group she is traveling with Molly's group is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy. Noah is left reeling with the news. He’s supposed to be excited to start building a future with his girlfriend, but now he can’t stop thinking about Molly. Noah will have to decide how he really feels about is forced to consider his feelings towards Molly and if he’s willing to sacrifice his current relationship for a girl that might not ever never come home.

Trapped in the jungle, Molly clings to the hope that she will make it out of this nightmare alive. determination that She can’t die without ever telling Noah how she really feels, and she can’t waste her life waiting for freedom that may never come. With the help of her fellow captives, Molly devises an escape plan that could lead to their rescue if their captors don’t discover what they’re up to first.

I'm not entirely happy with the suggestions for that last paragraph, but the main point there is that the clinging to hope part eats up wordcount you could be spending talking about the more interesting things Molly is doing. Like plotting the escape.

CAPTIVE is a dual POV contemporary romance YA complete at 85,000 words and told in a nonlinear fashion. It will appeal to fans of STOLEN and IF I STAY.

That first sentence hurt my brain because of the order the things are in. Grouping and priority would benefit it, I think. Something like "CAPTIVE, complete at 85,000 words, is a YA contemporary romance told in a nonlinear, dual POV" is a bit more intelligible, I think, and emphasizes (in order) that it is complete, targeted towards YA (more specifically YA romance), and has an unusual structure.

Carlito wrote:
Molly wants to spend her summer before college winning the love of Noah. They’ve been friends since freshman year, but what he doesn’t know is that This is kind of obvious; leave it out. In fact, I'm not sure if this entire sentence is necessary, since the first one pretty much said the most important point and this is just backstory-ish fill-in she’s always wanted it to be something more. Senior year was rocky, and Molly fears this summer could be her last shot at keeping him in her life. Her plan What plan? So far I only know that she wants something, and nothing about how she'd go about achieving it. is complicated by the constant and overbearing presence of Noah’s girlfriend, and a three week mission trip to the Philippines she’s been waiting to go on all year.

One week into her perfect trip, the group she is traveling with is kidnapped at gunpoint by a rebel militia, leaving her life and her entire future in jeopardy. Oh whoa, this is sudden! Up till now, I was reading it as a YA romance thing, so you certainly get twist points. However, I'd suggest you get to it sooner. More on that see below. * Noah is left reeling with the news. He’s supposed to be excited to start building a future with his girlfriend, but now he can’t stop thinking about Molly. Noah will have to decide how he really feels about Molly and if he’s willing to sacrifice his current relationship for a girl that might not ever come home. The general concensus is to keep focus on you MC throughout the query (although in romances, it's fine to include the other side's view). The sudden switch of POV here makes me lose track of your MC, so I'd suggest to cut it out -- or make the entire query from Noah's POV. Another thing, the stakes you mention here for him kind of seem irrelevant when paired up with the fact that Molly is kidnapped and her life's in danger. Not to sound insensitive, but after that being revealed I don't really care that much about their love issues :p

Trapped in the jungle, Molly clings to the hope that she will make it out of this nightmare alive. She can’t die without ever telling Noah how she really feels, and she can’t waste her life waiting for freedom that may never come. With the help of her fellow captives, Molly devises an escape plan that could lead to their rescue if their captors don’t discover what they’re up to first. Hmmm. Clear enough stakes, but it lacks the ooomph kind of impact, IMO. Maybe hint at what the plan is? Or some insight into what the captors are actually doing to them or what the consequences would be (in more impactful words than "they would kill her"-- which pops the question, would they? 'Cause other than ransom, why would they be keeping a bunch of kids captives? And if they want something in return for their lives, then them being dead wouldn't exactly be beneficial, no?

CAPTIVE is a dual POV contemporary romance YA complete at 85,000 words and told in a nonlinear fashion. It will appeal to fans of STOLEN and IF I STAY. Only capitalise your own title. Also, I'd add the "by (author) to the comps, even though they might be quite known.

* It seems to me like you're packing too much into the small space the query allows. You have two main plotlines here — the dark getting-kidnapped-and-having-her-life-threatened one and the teenage-y having-feelings-for-a-guy-who-already-has-a-girlfriend one — and you switch between them in a way that doesn't really focus on either and hence lacks the impact either might have on its own. I'd suggest leading with the kidnapping thing, or at least introducing it sooner.
Also, in the query as it is, Molly comes across as mostly passive - wanting stuff, having stuff done to her or affecting her, having others help her or think of her - and that's not a good thing for a MC to come across as. Try using more active verbs. Tell me what she thinks and let her voice slip in, tell me what she does, which actions she takes, which decisions she makes.

Let me see if I can demonstrate what I mean.

[Whatever-year-old] Molly [LastName] (<-- this is the unwritten rule for YA queries; start by MC's age and full name) is really ready to get the cat out of the bag and admit to Noah that she's had a crush on him since they met during freshman year. She's even ready to ignore the overbearing girlfriend in the equation who probably won't be happy with it all. Molly will tell Noah everything— as soon as she comes back from the trip to Philippines. After all, THAT she's been expecting for a long time too.

But the trip of her dreams (or something less cliche) proves to be a nightmare (or something less cliche) when [the armed group of masked men? Or whatever they look like/are/whatever she sees them as] take Molly and her friends as hostages and [demand ransom? Conduct experiments? Torture one every evening while having dinner?]. Constantly at gunpoint, with her stuff all taken and the likeliness of ever seeing Noah again fading with every moment passed, Molly comes up with a plan: [cue the plan].

[cue the stakes/consequences]



ETA: Reading through, I might've been harsher than intended-- sorry about that! Also, my example at the end also leaves much to be desired, but I hope I helped and managed to illustrate my point c:
Good luck

ETA2: I agree with Kyll about the order of things in the last paragraph.