Acceptance

Alright people, my creative writing class is doing this essay from a prompt from NPR. (More info at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4538138) Some Americans might be familiar with this. So, here's mine!

(Note: It's word count has to be 300-500 words, so remeber that before you tell me to add anything 'kay?!)

(2nd Note: I'm more worried about what you think of my writing, not my belief)



Think of your friends, the people around you. As many of them as you can. Now, how many are of a different race than you? A different religion? Social class? High school clique? Sexual orientation? Gender?

Now, if you find that you don’t have a very diverse group of friends, ask yourself this: how many of these different people would you be willing to be friends with?

Are you willing to open up your mind and see who you can invite into it? Truly willing? Maybe you are. If so, good for you. But if you’re not, don’t feel left out. Not everyone is that accepting. Even people who would label themselves as open-minded find themselves hesitating to befriend and accept someone that’s radically different than them. But like everything else in life, that can change.

I believe in acceptance. I believe in learning who someone is, before making any type of judgment about them. I believe in finding and befriending others that are different than me, even though it can be hard and sometimes, even a little scary. I believe in learning from them. But I’ve seen enough hate in this world to believe in trying.

They say that America is the world’s melting pot, a giant stew, with all types of different ingredients. But someone once told me that if you let a stew sit for long enough, all of the similar ingredients will clump together. All the carrots, all the potatoes, all the meat. They all eventually end up in their own little groups. So even thought their all in the same pot, the same stew, they’re not really together.

But who wants to eat a stew like that? Talk about boring! Wouldn’t you much rather eat something with a bit more variety? A bit more diversity? If you were given a stew like that, with all the ingredients sitting tamely in their little lumps, wouldn’t you just be dying to mix it up?

Look around you. Really look. There are so many different types of people that you can learn form. Does your Jewish neighbor have anything to teach you? What could you learn from that nerdy kid in the back of the class? Could you find guidance from your Muslim co-worker? What does the gay guy that you take the train home with every day have to tell you? There’s only one way to find out. Go out there and get to know them. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Become their friend. You may learn something that could totally change your life, make you a better person, or just make your day. And if you don’t, what have you lost? Just a little of your time. Isn’t that worth the risk?

Think of your friends, the people around you. As many of them as you can. Now, how many are of a different race than you? A different religion? Social class? High school clique? Sexual orientation? Gender?

Now, if you find that you don’t have a very diverse group of friends, ask yourself this: how many of these different people would you be willing to be friends with?

The first two paragraphs are slightly weird, as if you're accusing people who don't have diverse friends around them. Especially the first sentence!

What am I referring to?

Think of your friends, the people around you.

Most adults would read that and scoff at you. Friends are not the same as the people around you. But this sentence implies that the people around you are all your friends. This is not true, and you contradict yourself by saying later "which of these people would you consider friends?" And by doing this, you set the stage right off for an accusation.

You see, you don't have to be accusing; you need to be persuasive. By setting the reader against you straight off, you put them on the defensive side. Don't do this. This essay is about you.

So (and I know you're worried about word count) you might want to rewrite it as:

Let's try something. Visualize the people around you.

Or something to that effect.

Are you willing to open up your mind and see who you can invite into it? Truly willing? Maybe you are. If so, good for you. But if you’re not, don’t feel left out. Not everyone is that accepting. Even people who would label themselves as open-minded find themselves hesitating to befriend and accept someone that’s radically different than them. But like everything else in life, that can change.

I believe in acceptance. I believe in learning who someone is, before making any type of judgment about them. I believe in finding and befriending others that are different than me, even though it can be hard and sometimes, even a little scary. I believe in learning from them. But I’ve seen enough hate in this world to believe in trying.

These paragraphs seem very random together, and I don't think the transition really works. Perhaps, if you talk about someone you've met who've you've judged prematurely and how that didn't work, then that would be a much better transition, PLUS it would establish you as an authority on the subject. You have 43 more words, no?

But really. Putting in more personal thought to this is even more important and if you're concerned about the word count, you can even delete the "I believe" paragraph. That way, your conclusion becomes even more powerful.

So yeah. It's okay, but not as powerful as can be. So spurce it up and let's see it!

Thanks a lot Spoink. I took your advice about adding in a better transition (you have no idea how I had to fidget and fudge to meet the world count!) And I took out the "the people around you." part from the first sentence. However, I'm not going to change the opening because I (and my classmates and teacher) think it's a good hook, which was the goal. Since the whole prompt was about radio, which can be tuned out very easily, the hook had to capture people and make them think right off the bat. So while it may be accusing, I think thats a small price to pay for grabbing the aduience. Anyways, here's the redone version (Tell me what you think of the new transition!):



Think of your friends. As many of them as you can. Now, how many are of a different race than you? A different religion? Social class? High school clique? Sexual orientation? Gender? If you don’t have a very diverse group of friends, don’t worry. But ask yourself this: how many of these different types of people would you be willing to be friends with?

Are you willing to open up your mind and see who you can invite into it? Maybe you are. If so, good for you. But if you’re not, don’t feel left out. Not everyone is that accepting. Even people who would label themselves as open-minded find themselves hesitating to befriend and accept someone that’s radically different than them. But like everything else in life, that can change.

I know I changed. When I was little, I was one of the kids with the huge group of friends, one of the “popular” kids. There was one girl in my class who no one seemed to be willing to include. She was the tomboy, the quiet kid in the back of class who nastily told us all that the Easter bunny wasn’t real. I didn’t like her. She wasn’t like me. She’s now my best friend.

I believe in acceptance. I believe in learning who someone is, before making any type of judgment about them. I believe in finding, befriending, and learning from others that are different than me, even though it can be hard and sometimes, even a little scary. But I’ve seen enough hate in this world to believe in trying.

They say America is the world’s melting pot; a giant stew, with all types of different ingredients. But someone told me, that if you let a stew sit for long enough, all the similar ingredients will clump together. All the carrots, potatoes, meat. They’dll eventually end up in their own little groups. So even though their all in the same pot, the same stew, they’re not really together.

Who wants to eat a stew like that? Talk about boring! Wouldn’t you much rather eat something with a bit more variety? A bit more diversity? If you were given a stew like that, with all the ingredients sitting tamely in their little lumps, wouldn’t you just be dying to mix it up?

Look around you. Really look. There are so many different types of people that you can learn from. Does your Jewish neighbor have anything to teach you? What about that nerdy kid in the back of the class? Your Muslim co-worker? The homosexual that’s on the train with every day? There’s only one way to find out. Go out there and get to know them. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Become their friend. You may learn something that could totally change your life, make you a better person, or just make your day. All you’ve got to lose is a little of your time. Isn’t that worth all the things you could gain?

They’dll eventually end up in their own little groups.

Should be "they'll."

So even though their all in the same pot,

Should be "they're" instead of "their."

The homosexual that’s on the train with every day?

Homosexual is an adjective. ^_^ Maybe "homosexual man"?

So you don't get past the word count, you can cheat on this sentence:

Wouldn’t you [s]much[/s] rather eat something with a bit more variety?

Yay! 500 words!

Also, a style thingy:

She’s now my best friend.

I would separate this in its own paragraph and rewrite it so that it says:

Now she's my best friend.

Same amount of words, but that sounds better to me.

Nice job! I think the teacher will like this... though I still will always hate word counts.

Thanks a lot! I know, word counts do stink. Grrrr...limiting my creativity!