Wolf Kindred :: The Rising

[[Do not take any part of this story without written permission from me, or I will hunt you down and eat you.]]

Prologue

The night sky glowed with hues of blue and black, as if an artist had painted it, brushstroke by brushstroke. The moon was full and the color of autumn; a harvest moon as some called it, the Takawi Moon to the wolves. The wind stirred the colored leaves, causing a faint rustle to fill the still of the air. It looked to be a regular, peaceful night in the plains and the forest. Yes, that was the way it would look to some, but in truth, chaos and darkness lurked in the shadows of the midnight. Peace was just a distant memory, and hope had deserted long ago. The wolves knew better then to assume peace, night meant danger, and no beast could sleep safely.
In a shadowed area of the forest, many sets of glowing yellow eyes peered out of the bushes and foliage, though none could hear even the slightest breath of any living creature.

The wolves were tense, hearts pounding, awaiting just the right moment to strike. It was a rampage of darkness when those allied with the chaotic side of the wolfkin began their hunt. But it was not just prey they hunted, it was the flesh of other wolves. These wolves were said to be mad, killing anything in their way, and it was true. These wolves had the Inealeo: the madness.
Without a warning the fourscore wolfkin charged, running as fast as their paws carried them, heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp. No wolf had time to react as the insane wolves poured into the break of the forest. It was too late for any reaction or general order. The mad wolves wouldn't stop until they were finished with their terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

At one time the Nynas Wolfkin had been sane; maybe even peaceful, neutral as some may say. But that terrible day when the Men-things came, setting out odd meats and foods. The Nynas ate the food, not knowing the dangers that it brought. It wasn't even until the next full moon that they all became mad and would attack any other wolfkin without any warning. They were even known to battle one another and no wolf knew when the spell of Inealeo would leave them, or if it would continue until the entire forest, including the Nynas, had perished in the grip of the terrible madness.
With a fury of bloodshed, the Nynas battled the Deltia; every wolf tearing one another apart.

The war continued until sunrise, the longest that a war had ever lasted. Both sides were defeated, and at first glimpse it would seem that no beast was left alive from the massacre. But a closer look would show you that in a safe den, tucked in a hollow log and covered with leaves and vines, two frightened pups huddled together, both of them no more then six moons old. The forest was quiet as morning dew covered the ground and the only living things for miles around were the two cubs. The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

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Need a little pronunciation help?

Takawi = Ta-kuh-wee
Deltia = Dell-tie-uh
Nynas = Nigh-naz

Nice disclaimer You don't really need it, no one will steal...

The moon was full and the color of the autumn

Remove 'the' before 'autumn'

The wind stirred the colored leaves on the trees

I think you could safely remove 'on the trees'. It just makes it wordy.

It looked to be a regularly peaceful night in the plains and the forest.

I would say 'it looked to be a regular, peaceful night...' only because I don't like -ly verbs, but that's up to you.

Every one of the wolves were tense, hearts pounding [comma] awaiting just the right moment to strike.

I think you could cut 'Every one of' and just say "The wolves" Either way, it doesn't matter.

It was a rampage of darkness when those allienced [should there be a 'with' here? also 'allienced' doesn't come up in my spell check, are you sure its a word?] the chaotic side of the wolfkin began their hunt

These wolves were said to be mad; killing anything in their way, and it was true.

I think you should switch the semicolon and the comma in this sentence.

Without a warning, no hint, no notice, the fourscore wolfkin charged, running as fast as their paws carried them, heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp.

I don't really like the 'no hint, no notice' but you could change it to 'or hint, or notice' and it might work. You could also take it all out, it just doesn't...flow.

waking the sleeping and alerting those who were on watch with their bays and how

for some reason 'sleeping' and 'alerting' don't seem to be in the right tense. 'waking the sleeping' Shouldn't sleeping be in its base form? 'waking those that slept' maybe? I'm not sure, you make your own decision. I just thought I'd point it out.

The mad wolves killed anything in their path, and wouldn't stop until they were finished with their terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

You said this earlier in the story, that they kill anything in their way, so why repeat it? Try saying something else, perhaps?

It wasn't even until the next Fekawi (full moon) they all became mad

This doesn't roll out right. I think you need 'that' in there somewhere. And why should there be another word for full moon? I understand why, but maybe you could make it easier to remember? That would be easier for the reader. Also, you don't need the comma after 'mad' the and is the comma.

They were even known to battle one another, and no wolf knew when the spell of Inealeo would leave them,

No comma after 'another'

With a fury of bloodshed and fur flying, the Nynas battled the Deltia [colon] every wolf tearing one another apart.

I know they're two totally different words but 'fury' and 'fur' so close together jump out. Maybe change it?

The war continued until the dawn, the longest that had ever happened.

No 'the' before down, add 'it' before had and after that

The dawn was still as the dew covered the ground, and the only living things for miles around were the two wolf cubs.

'the dawn' sounds funny. the dawn was still? the morning? Maybe the plain. also, no comma after ground.

I really liked this story! The names were a little difficult for me, though, but I enjoyed the plot. The idea is very interesting. I didn't like the last sentence, I think you should cut it out. Don't refer to your story while in story Just let it hang, its nicer that way. Some of your sentences were hard, and your paragraphs were long. I suggest breaking your paragraphs up more. And, for readers ease, put a space between each paragraph, it makes viewing so much easier! If you update/add the next chapter, would you PM me? I'd really like to know what happens to these pups!

Thank you so much! I knew I had messed up in a lot of places, thank you for your very good critique so I could find out exactly where. I'll go back and fix all those errors.

The fourth paragraph uses the word "wolf" way too much. Other than that, I think Claudette pretty much got everything. This was a pretty cool piece though, Gingivere.

Keep up the good work.

I meant to get to this earlier, but I'm here now, and so I will critique.


Interesting little start, and I liked how you ended it as well. The beginning at first felt a tad cliche, but that quickly faded, so no real worry there.

The moon was full and the color of autumn

Personally, I think it would sound better as "The moon was full with the color of autumn", but that's just me.

...chaos and darkness lurked in the shadows of the midnight.

This line just seems awkward to me. I think it should either be "shadows of the night" or "shadows of midnight."

But that terrible day when the Men-things came, setting out odd meats and foods.

Again, a bit awkward. It's like you started saying one thing then finshed with saying another. "But then came the terrible day when the Men-things came" perhaps? Look it over and reword it.

Also, the men leaving the tainted meat seems a bit random. Make sure this is explained later on in the story or the scenario will seem cheap and lazy. No offense.

The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

Again, the wording just seems a little off to me. But then again, it does fit the structure of the paragraph. I don't know, it just caught my eye the first time through it. Also, I would use "perhaps" instead of "maybe" as I feel it fits the narrative voice better, making it more ominous and flowing with the somewhat gloomy ambiance given off by the rest of the prologue.

Nice work, all in all. I'm curious as to how this pans out, as it make both scenarios, the stronger and the darker wolfkin, plausible. I like how you managed to pull that off.

Oh, and for something lasting for a night, calling it a war may be a bit much. Then again, for a wolf such a battle may easily be a war.

I like the narrative style as well, as it really has the feel of listening to a story teller at a campfire, telling a tale of old. I would try to keep that narrative throughout. Or maybe not. Depends on how you run this story. I'd like to see the first chapter of this peice, to see where you're taking it. Keep up the good work.

(P.S. nice job on the grammer. I didn't catch a single mistake going through it)

Prologue

The night sky glowed with hues of blue and black, as if an artist had painted it, brushstroke by brushstroke. The moon was full and the color of autumn; a harvest moon as some called it, the Takawi Moon to the wolves. The wind stirred the colored leaves, causing a faint rustle to fill the still of the air. It looked to be a regular, peaceful night in the plains and the forest. Yes, that was the way it would look to some, but in truth, chaos and darkness lurked in the shadows of the midnight. Peace was just a distant memory, and hope had deserted long ago. The wolves knew better then to assume peace, night meant danger, and no beast could sleep safely.
In a shadowed area of the forest, many sets of glowing yellow eyes peered out of the bushes and foliage, though none could hear even the slightest breath of any living creature.

Need a little pronunciation help?

Takawi = Ta-kuh-wee
Deltia = Dell-tie-uh
Nynas = Nigh-naz

Why are you using wolf words? Wolves aren't reading this, we are. Use English.

The imagery is very flowery. Not my favorite thing, but in this frame it works.

The wolves were tense, hearts pounding, awaiting just the right moment to strike. It was a rampage of darkness when those allied with the chaotic side of the wolfkin began their hunt. But it was not just prey they hunted, it was the flesh of other wolves. These wolves were said to be mad, killing anything in their way, and it was true. These wolves had the Inealeo: the madness.
Without a warning the fourscore wolfkin charged, running as fast as their paws carried them, heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp. No wolf had time to react as the insane wolves poured into the break of the forest. It was too late for any reaction or general order. The mad wolves wouldn't stop until they were finished with their terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

A sudden attack is more dramatic and frightening, but only if it's unexpected. Reduce the warning. Instead of showing us about the attacking wolves before the attack, don't show us them.

[s]At one time the Nynas Wolfkin had been sane; maybe even peaceful, neutral as some may say. But that terrible day when the Men-things came, setting out odd meats and foods. The Nynas ate the food, not knowing the dangers that it brought. It wasn't even until the next full moon that they all became mad and would attack any other wolfkin without any warning. They were even known to battle one another and no wolf knew when the spell of Inealeo would leave them, or if it would continue until the entire forest, including the Nynas, had perished in the grip of the terrible madness.[/s]
With a fury of bloodshed, the Nynas battled the Deltia; every wolf tearing one another apart.

You only need that one sentence at the end. Everything else was an infodump, which breaks the continuity.

The war continued until sunrise, the longest that a war had ever lasted. Both sides were defeated, and at first glimpse it would seem that no beast was left alive from the massacre. But a closer look would show you that in a safe den, tucked in a hollow log and covered with leaves and vines, two frightened pups huddled together, both of them no more then six moons old. The forest was quiet as morning dew covered the ground and the only living things for miles around were the two cubs. The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

A war is nothing more than a series of battles. Is this a battle or a war?

I don't buy the whole "six moon old cubs" rising to become the new wolf kin. I see them as being killed by some larger predator.

Let's face it, wolves are very pack oriented. Any knowledge they gain is through the pack. Without the pack, they've lost a lot of knowledge regarding survival. They are vulnerable to predators. If another wolf pack came along and adopted them, I might believe it, other than that, I don't see how these cubs have a chance.

The prologue definitely didn't draw me in. It was very wordy, too much detail surrounding what I really need to know. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing (because I can be very wordy too at times) but I think you can write this better It seems like you have the talent to do so anyways!

But besides that, just one other point I want to make at the very end...

The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

I'm not sure I like the whole "stronger wolfkin" why would they be stronger? I mean their whole pack just got killed, it would make more sense that they would die if they were only 6 days old, no mother, nobody to take care of them Just a little something to think about! If I were you I would just leave it at "The beginning of the new wolfkin..." that way you haven't given the reader any expectations and its more "unknown", makes you want to read more (well at least for me anyways)

Overall, looks like you have an intriguing story, I haven't read a lot of animal stories. So I'll look forward to further portions! Keep up the good work!

terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

I would add a comma between terrible and bloodthirsty.
Also, the story is somewhat confusing at the beginning with different terms. It was not until the end until I slightly understood that the Nynas and Deltias were wolf "clans".

I like your idea, but this could use some work. It felt like a history book up until about the third paragraph, where it started to get better. I also found it a little confusing in parts, since I kept forgetting where I was in the timeline. But overall, I think this has promise.

You write good.
The fourth paragraph I think, you use the word 'wolf' too many times.

Not bad though. It can become a nice book.

Very good! The whole story, the wording...everything kept me totally interested. You did a great job on the first and the last paragraph. Keep writing!

Many have pointed out before me about your punctuation and grammar, just look back. I'm sure if you reread what you wrote you would see where to put semi-colons and other punctuation. Not that I mean this in a mean way, I totally understand the whole grammar/punctuation thing. My writing credo is "Write now, Correct Later".
You seem to have a gift of descriptions! The prose was very picturesque. It was almost as if I could feel and see this world around me! Wonderfully chilling writing! I loved it!

this is an amazing story and i cant wait to read more!

just watch out for repeating words like wolf and stuff.

heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp.

this made me think that they were civilized wolfes and stuff, are they? ussually humans make camps. mabey refer to it as something else?

The war continued until sunrise, the longest that a war had ever lasted.

mabey you should call this a "Battle", because a war consists of battles that are fought and not just one.

thats about all i have.

great story and pm me when the first chapter is posted

Vince