Jokes!

Starting with me -

Why was the archaeologist sad?

Because his career was in the ruins!

P.S - Everyone who visits this should post at least once, maybe one liners or jokes that are often heard, or even funny personal experiences, do not matter. Just spread a smile everyone's face.

What is the dentist's favorite school subject?

Art class, because they always want you to brush

Vice-admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, 1st Duke of Bronté was standing on the bridge of the HMS Victory, sailing towards Cape Trafalgar to engage the French and Spanish fleets. Next to him stood his loyal first mate, Hardy. Nelson called out,
"What ho, crow's nest?"
The crow's nest replied,
"FOUR FRENCH FROGGY FRIGATES OFF THE PORT BOW SIR!"
Admiral Nelson to Hardy,
"Hardy, pass me my telescope, so that I might espy the enemy more closely."
Ten minutes later, admiral Nelson called,
"What ho, crow's nest?"
FORTY-FOUR FRENCH FROGGY FRIGATES OFF THE PORT BOW SIR!"
"Hardy, bring me my crimson jacket, so that if I am wounded in the coming battle the men will not lose heart at the sight of my blood."
Ten minutes later,
"What ho, crow's nest?"
"FOUR-HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR FRENCH FROGGY FRIGATES OFF THE PORT BOW SIR!"
"Hardy... pass me my brown corduroys."

I'm reading this great book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon learned that toucan play at that game.

What was Tigger doing in the toilet?
Looking for Pooh! c:

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

A cellist was cleaning his house. He tried to clean an old lamp when a genie appeared! The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes."
"Oh, wow!" said the cellist. "Um, for my first wish, I want world peace."
"That's too hard," the genie complained. "What's your second wish?"
"Well," the cellist mused. "I'm turning sixty and I want to play in tune."
The genie thought for a moment, then said, "What was your first wish again?


Your jokes are pretty funny, by the way!

Why doesn't anyone need life insurance you wonder???

BECAUSE ITS A DYING INDUSTRY

Guy1: (sitting by the side of the road, leaning against a tree)
Guy2: (walks up) Which way to town?
Guy1: (draws a line in the dirt with his toe)
Guy2: (disgusted) Dag nabbit if that ain't the laziest thing I've ever seen I my whole life. I will bet you a dollar that you can't do anything lazier.
Guy1: (leans back against the tree) Put it in my pocket.

Oh hey look at that guy driving down the highway at 5:00 am, he sure looks Tired!!!

Hey so guess what. Me and Darth Vader were talking the other day. I had just finished telling him about my bro's AWESOME birthday party, and then he recalled a party he'd been to a little while ago. He said the party was on Alderaan. They all had the best time you know, and Vader said it was a real blast.

So a rich man, an average man and a cheap skate walk into a bar and each buys a drink. A fly falls into each of their drinks. The rich man just buys another drink. The average man pours out just enough to get ride of the fly. The cheap skate picks up the fly and starts shaking it, shouting, "spit it out! spit it out!"

What happens when you skadoodle a poodle?

Skadoodlepoodle!

A pessimist's blood type is b-negative