Realistic Fiction: Untitled

Cadrene stared miserably into the fire, her eyes beginning to water. She would never see her parents again. Never feel her mother’s warm hands stroking her hair. Never smell her dad’s wonderful cooking, nor taste it. She stared down at her tiny feet, pointless tears slipping away. Crying wasn’t going to bring them back. She sniffled and wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeves. It all seemed surreal, like she was just in an ever-going nightmare. Now she just had to wake up. “Wake up! Wake up!” she whispered to herself fiercely. It was hopeless. Her parents were gone. A tight knot formed in her stomach. Her parents were dead.

This is just the first paragraph of one of my stories. Tell me what you think.

*salutes* Ahoy! So, I'm Sam, and when I critique I look at the stuff I like, and then the stuff I'd change. I'm...er...detail-oriented, but really, I'm nice.

STUFF I LIKED:

- I liked the detail about her tiny feet- it makes her interesting. We'd be able to pick her out in a crowd. However, if this is her one defining feature, describe it more! It's always good to balance out dramatic scenes witht some description.

- I liked how reasonable she is. She does realize that she can't mope around forever, and we do like strong main characters.

STUFF THAT NEEDS A SECOND LOOK:

- Here's a tip I picked up from one of Snoink's arcticles- inject some sarcasm into soppy scenes. It's really hard to write an original dramatic scene because they're so often used to get a few tears in the movies. You don't have to make it a laugh riot- you do want us to be sad, right?- but put in a line or two that's a little unorthodox and tongue-in-cheek.

- Is she in shock? The good parents and the 'wonderful cooking' suggested to me that this was a pretty normal, loving family. Parents don't randomly drop dead in suburban America- so describe why she's crying a little longer.

If you're using their death as a plot device- in other words, she eventually comes to realize how her parents died- leave out the circumstances of their deaths and instead focused how she will cope with the situation.

- You sort of repeat yourself with the two lines 'her parents were gone' and 'her parents were dead'. Pick one, and scrap the other one.

It was really nice! I think you need to continute this definitely. What's the story called?

Wiggy

Post the entire thing. Its impossible to jusdge a story accurately based on an excerpt. It does, however, seem to be well written. Post the rest and we shall see.

Haha... I have to agree with Jiggity. And Sam. And Wiggy. It's catchy, but it needs some substance and real emotion behind it. So we have to see more to really have an opinion on it. A paragraph is usually not enough.

At the moment, it looks very angsty though. Which is okay, because it needs to be catchy and angst is catchy, but if it continues in a similar way, then you better beware!

I agree with all the above. Posting a short extract doesn't really give a clear picture of what the story is about.