Son and Slave of Kings

A poem written for a charecter named K'ratcha. Let me know what you think.

Son and Slave of Kings
No rhyme can contain the tale I tell,
No verse will hold the words that speak my life:
A slave from birth, a hated and despised--
The son and slave of kings, jester and prince.
The blood of emperors and their bondsmen
Flow mingled in my many-opened veins;
My eyes are slanted but their green bodes true
For who I really am, for what they cannot see.
Insubstantial makeup separates
My face from those who want to see it most,
The black and red in swirls and devil marks
Let those who want a demon see it sure
And they laugh in righteous pride, in hatefulness.
My master’s crown, the only thing that keeps
Those who want my blood, to see its color
From draining out my bastard serpent veins--
My body marred and marked with many scars;
The chains of many masters hold me down,
They bind my wrists, my mind, my heart, and tongue
And one man holds the key to all the locks.
He has unlocked my tongue, my wrists and mind
The final key has gone to one I loved.
A crueler master, she, and yet is kind--
With one kiss she frees, with other binds me down.
I would kill and die for her, though she does not
Cannot know the secret truth I hide,
The truth that tumbles walls and would destroy
The world I know and love and seek to shield.

I am the reigning Duke of Serpent Crown--
A prince and jester in a single man.

I like poems like this that base themselves off after a person (er... character) that you can see clearly in your mind because the picture is so much more vivid and stuff. I mean, with this character sketch, you can see the character, and that's really really good.

So yeah! Good job.

I'll second Snoinky on that; very cool as a character sketch. The imagery you have is good, but phrasing! I'm a horrible it-pick when it comes right down to it, so lemme point out a couple lines..

No rhyme can contain the tale I tell
No verse will hold the words that speak my life

"No verse will hold the words I speak", or "No verse holds the words of my life." And.. I keep wanting to say "de mi vida" instead of "my life," but I think that's the AP Spanish course talking...

A slave from birth, a hated and despised
The son and slave of kings, jester and prince

First line, ok, second line.. huh? At least, that was my first reaction. Also, in the first line, I think "a" is a typo, otherwise it makes no sense at all. Also, you could just take out the "and" in the second line. Makes it more parallel, and it's poetry! Forget proper sentences! They stink, anyway.

My eyes are slanted but their green bodes true
For who I really am, for what they cannot see

First line I just had a to read a few times.. maybe a comma after "slanted," and in the second line, maybe "For who I really am, they cannot see."

My face from those who want to see it most

Just a bit awkward, that's all.

Let those who want a demon see it sure

"sure"? Either omitt, or change the word, me thinks. Otherwise, very interseting idea you have, there (reminds me of a few thing form The Last Unicorn, but that's me).

ok, last part! Me be in color, here.

He has unlocked my tongue, my wrists and mind no "my", or "and" on either clause.. read it outloud that way, see what you think
The final key has gone to one I loved no "has" sounds better.. but that's me
A crueler master, she, and yet is kind {color=blue]maybe "cruel", not "crueler"? And I like line, adn it's what made me think you like the concise a bit more than the flowy-ness found in a few parts of this poem. Hence my suggested ommissions.. they don't take away from the poem (I hope! Only you can make that decision, ultimately), and make it tighter, flow more, easier to read. [/color]
With one kiss she frees, with other binds me down "the other, binds"
I would kill and die for her, though she does not mabye a dash at the end of the line? It needs something to indicate more of a pause, and more dramatic than just a comma or period
Cannot know the secret truth I hide
The truth that tumbles walls and would destroy start at "that".. how does that sound?
The world I know and love and seek to shield [color=blue] "and seek", or "but seek"?

aside from a few clarity issues (ok.. me being a bit-pick, more like), I like.

oh! I was playing with your last line (eh.. yell if you don't want me to do that, it's a nasty habit, and I do it to everyone, me included).

"A prince and jester combined."

But anyhoo! I might have to try this; forget character charts, write a poem about them! Brilliant idea, really.

Wow, thanks very much, Mesh and Snoik!
I'm kinda not used to getting comments on poetry, so doing my best here. So glad you guys liked it (Mesh: at least enough to critique it .
I'll try those suggestions, Mesh, and see how it sounds, most of the stuff you targeted was stuff I put in because I wanted a certain number of syllables in each line, but I'll try it the other way, it does sound more concise. Thanks!

I really like this poem. Knowing this character and his storyline adds a neat element to reading it. The only thing I would add would be a rhyming line at the very end to make it flow. But then again, you know me and rhymes.

As always...Wow. Gotta love K'ratcha.
Did you ever consider setting this to music? Cuz I read it, and I think 'ballad', sorta, and Christian singing...c'mon, you have to admit that would be cool.

I "did the punct" as CL is fond of saying, and think it sounds eversomuch better now.