phoenixwriter

This is a good, mysterious, you-know-you-wanna-read-more prologue, so excellent start! However, there is a small part that might need clarification. It's with pronouns. "He could not be pure with her ...

You're very good with small descriptions, I've noticed. However, maybe go in depth. What does the inside of the building look like? What does Brian look like? Has this boy ...

This is kinda short, and all I can say for now is: Well done. I like the descriptions you've written, and they're vividly shown. However, the boy. Why would he ...

Sorry to be a party-pooper, but the dialogue is a little confusing. Half the time, I am not quite sure who is speaking: Johnnie or Lee. Maybe try to make ...

Very interesting indeed! What would be nice to add at the beginning is that "Johnnie" isn't alone, and death is not just one person. When I was reading the first ...

This is very good, first of all. I have to admit, I wrote my novel a while back too, but even then you were superior in your writing! I am ...

The title is good, for one. The chapter itself is also good. This is well-written. Though the beginning is a little slow and neutral, you finish it off with a ...

"I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles, before my mom died my nickname from her was the beautiful African priestess." A semicolon might be better in place ...

"These where dangerous streets to walk alone, the best kind of streets. What would be life without a sense of danger? What was life without the thrill of the hunt ...

This is great, so far! The mood is done so miraculously well! I love how you alternate between dialogue and the character's thoughts in: “Today we climb to new heights ...

The poem is quite abstract, and is pretty good. I like how you keep the reader thinking of your poem's meaning and letting him/her figure it out. Very nice! Keep ...

Excellent!!!! Great description and thoughts of Angel. What angelic thoughts :) It's great how you go into history a little and background without shoving it in randomly in the texts. ...

Nice chapter name, first off. The story narration is good and playful. The playfulness is very pleasant and is a refreshing change for reading. I like how you put Jinx's ...

This is awesome. I haven't read your first version of this book, but I'm amazed at your writing style. It's so polished and mature. So different from mine... I like ...

Excellent preface! I loved the intro. Very nicely done and lures people right in! Nice for a laugh, and good use of foreshadowing. I really liked the attitude of this ...