No memories, no life outside their own world, no names, no families, no identity. They were the Lost, and that's all they'd ever be.
The Lost were only children. Most had arrived when they were barely old enough to walk on their own. Some had wandered in on their own, while others had been carried by older children, and taken care of until they could care for themselves to some degree.
They simply lived in their tiny camp as if a society run by children was normal. Of course, everything is normal when it's all you've ever known.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Dilbert proudly watched over the others from his chair in the center of the camp. Being the eldest of all the children, at seventeen years of age, he'd been declared the leader. He'd become a fatherly figure among the lost children. After all, he was the only paternal person anyone remembered.
Dilbert was different from the others. He was the only one to remember so much as his name. Unfortunately, the rest of his life was a cloudy blur.
The Lost consisted of about forty children, ranging between the ages of five to seventeen. Just to name a few, there was Bubbly, with her innocent charms, and the avid reader, Brainy, as well as the twins, Prince and Princess, who were above the others in class and knew it a little too well.
And then there was Angel. Sweet, gentle, beautiful Angel. The apple of everyone's eye, especially Dilbert's. He had his eyes locked on her since the day she'd wandered into the camp almost ten years ago, when they were both only seven. Now, at seventeen, he was more enchanted by her than ever. She'd grown from a small, sweet little girl with curly blond pigtails and sparkling blue-green eyes to an angelic princess, gifted with both grace and a kind heart.
Now Dilbert had very rarely spoken to the girl, but he had enjoyed watching her as she went about the camp doing her chores. Everyday, she'd leave her cabin, do her morning stretches and then braid her thick, waist length hair and weave colourful flowers into it, and then head out to the lake. While there, she'd sing to herself in her perfect soprano voice as she washed the clothes, and then she'd--
"Dil? What are ya starin' at?"
Dilbert broke his concentration at the sound of the voice. A little girl stood in front of him. She seemed to be patiently awaiting an answer. "Nothing Bubbly. Go on and play."
Bubbly crossed her arms and stuck out her bottom lip. Dilbert should have known that answer wouldn't work. The seven year old girl was known for her determination. "Ya were starin at Angel again, weren't cha?"
Blood rushed to Dilbert's cheeks. "N-n-n-no I wasn't."
"Were too!" Bubbly squeaked. She wrapped her tiny fingers around his hand. "Come talk ta her!"
Dilbert tried to break free, but Bubbly refused to let go. "Let's not disturb her, Bee, she's probably pre-occupied!"
"It's just laundry Dil, I'm sure she won't mind us distracting her!" Bubbly said confidently. She continued to pull until they were close enough for Angel to hear her. "Heya Angel!"
Angel looked away from her laundry pile and smiled. "G'morning Bubbly, g'morning Dilbert! Is there something you need?"
Bubbly nodded enthusiastically. "Dil wants ta help ya with the laundry!"
Angel wrinkled her nose, not in disgust, but in confusion. "Really?"
"Yupyup! C'mere Dil! Angel's gonna show ya how!" Bubbly pushed Dilbert down beside Angel. She then pulled some clothes from the basket in front of Angel and roughly forced them into Dilbert's hand. "I'm off to play now! Byebye!"
Dilbert avoided Angel's eyes and struggled to hide his embarrassment. Most girl would laugh at him, but Angel was different. She smiled and let out a soft giggle. "Isn't she just the sweetest? I wonder if I was that cute as a child."
As hard as he tried, Dilbert just could not force out the words 'You were even cuter.' He gave up and began to slowly wash the clothes. It wasn't until he'd gotten through most of the clothes that he noticed Angel's absent minded gaze. Of course, she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were locked on the bridge across the lake. On the other side of this bridge was the outside world, completely hidden by the thick forest.
"I wonder what's out there," She finally said after what must have been an hour of silence.
"You probably aren't missing much," Dilbert said bluntly.
She sighed. "But what if I am? What if someone is out their looking for me? A mother, a father, a friend, a lover?" A smile crossed her lips on the last word. "Does anyone even know I'm gone?"
"Who knows. It's too dangerous to go out there though," Dilbert insisted.
Angel nodded. "I know. But it's nice to dream," She looked from Dilbert to the bridge and back again. "besides, what if it's not everything I dream it must be? I couldn't cope with the disappointment."
"You're right. It's best to stay and dream."
That wasn't the answer Angel had wanted. She stood up and dusted of her white dress. "I'd best be off. The others will be looking for their clothes. Thanks for all your help Dilbert."
"It was nothing. Would you like some help carrying it back?" he asked.
"No no," She insisted as she lifted the basket, "I'll be fine. See you later."
As he watched her walk away, he was struck with guilt. It wasn't that he wanted to crush her dreams and kill her ambitions, but he just couldn't lose his Angel.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I really liked the story! It flowed nicely, and had good dialogue.
Prepare for nitpicking!
You have some phrases of dialogue that are ended incorrectly. Some phrases of dialogue are ended with a comma, and then you follow with a capital letter. The only time you use a comma in dialogue- that I'm aware of- is when you explain who's saying it in the middle of the phrase.
For example:
Instead of saying: "You're very smart. I mean it," He said.
Try using: You're very smart#FF0000 ">," he (lowercase the pro- noun) said. "I mean it#FF0000 ">."
Any other time you end a piece of dialogue with a period. So instead of, "Hey there," she whispered. Try using, "Hey there." she whispered. Always use lowercase after your dialogue, unless it's the person's name. Also, you have some spots where you have "she said kindly" or "he said proudly" when you use that sort of description you have to put a comma between said and whatever word you use after word.
For example:
"C'mon, Jane, where are you?" I asked#FF0000 ">, nervously.
And finally, you have one spot where Bee says to Dil
I understand the use of ya as a use of slang, but it doesn't flow like it should. IT would probably be better to replace it with you. But, this is more of a taste correction than a grammatical correction.
Overall, I loved the story, and I'd love to read more!
Excellent!!!! Great description and thoughts of Angel. What angelic thoughts
It's great how you go into history a little and background without shoving it in randomly in the texts. I think this is an amazing first chapter! I do think that maybe Dilbert could focus a little more on caring for the kids (more examples of paternity, please) and a little less on watching Angel all day (though your descriptions of his thoughts are very entertaining and fun).
But he needs some examples of being a good leader. And who are the others in the group? What kind of education do they go through? What about Prince, Princess, and the others?
And what does their place look like? Is it nearby a lake? And more visuals please of the campsite in general would be nice.
It would be nice if you could add in some characterization. Bubbly was done excellently, but I mean:
what do others think of Dilbert?
what does he look like?
how does he think of himself?
Keep going! This is an awesome story! Keep it up! I can't wait to see if Angel goes exploring or not.
I loved it! I would really like to read more! Gret charaterization and the first couple of lines really brought me in. Keep writing!
It's very well-written. There are some parts that are a little wordy and you did go a little fast with the romantic stuff but other than that good stuff. I liked the end of this chapter because that was what struck my curiosity about these orphans and it reminds me of the manga called Maximum Ride. its also a book but i only read the manga XD. So other than that good luck and make it more lengthier. A dedicated writer does not give up.
With a hand full of reviews I had assumed someone would have given you some insight into the pieces shortcomings - not only its strengths. I'll try help you out
Good strong start, It does seem a little cliché but does enough to hook the reader.
This entire segment is a little wordy but it will pass as long as you get rid of 'to some degree.'
Good, established setting and reinforces the background of the children.
This whole piece needs to be reworked. I mean you need to tighten it up. You use a lot of words to say very little. Count how many of these sentences imply the same thing? all of them. For example:
- He became the father figure among the lost children
- Being the eldest he had been declared the leader
- Dilbert proudly watched over the others
- After all he was the only paternal figure among the lost children
Now I realise there are nuances and each sentences provides just a pinch more depth. Don't get me wrong, but essentially in the most important chapter of your novel you have restated yourself three times and produced a lot of waffle.
Try provide more insight into his personality. Introduce subplot or a back story. At this point we know its an orphanage etc.
eg,
Dilbert proudly watched over the children, his children. For most he was the closest thing they would have to a father. Dilbert swallowed hard at the thought of his father...
Its not great but you see what's happening there? generate some interest in the back story which can be rehashed later.
perfect soprano voice? What does that sound like? I have no idea and neither do the readers, find a better way to say what you're saying.
The just-cut-short ending of this paragraph is a nice change of pace. It can only be used once every so often before it becomes hackneyed and even distracting so don't make it a habit.
He's know this girl for ten years yet he is still this petrified? wow this guy really is a loser...
This really needs to stop - as the omnipresent narrator you need to make it clear when you are inside your MC's head. It's a really bad habit to get into when you are ambiguous about it. It get's really confusing and detracts a great deal from the piece. This needs to be 'She finally said after what to Dilbert felt like' would suffice. Then it clearly shifts the point of view from you - who knows everything - to your giddy MC who is nervous as hell. It makes the piece appear very amateur otherwise. The voices you use need to be distinct and when you iron at this crease your writing will increase ten fold, it's something I still really struggle with myself!
Fantastic ending. It almost ties it up so neat that it is an entire story and I guess that's the main thing that's wrong with it. It's too neat. You have introduce a small conflict (Angel's desire to leave vs the promoted fear of the outside world.) I could leave this story here - go have a pepsi max and a sandwich and would have forgotten about it. Not because it was bad but because it didn't leave me wanting. Fortunately this is an easy fix. You need to subtly insert a bit more suggestion about coming events. Something needs to be set up to be resolved later just a line like:
"Angel gave the bridge one last pining glare, she knew one day she would know what's out there." something like that. Because at the moment it reads a lot like a short story infact it would be a great open ended short story..
Also regarding the conflict MC vs his girl; something can be done to make it clear he will act on his fancy. Its clear he wants her. Maybe talk about late nights plotting how it would go in his head, how he would make it clear he want's to be her boyfriend. This is a little less important.
Your writing itself is great. The plot at first seemed cliche but definitely has potential. The dialogue is perhaps its greatest strength. The biggest issue is the 'deep stuff' the conflicts, the theme. I will explain...
The only reason I really push this is because you called it 'chapter 1' so I assume you want this to be of considerable length perhaps a novel? Which is great. However, Novels require a great deal of discipline and even more so planning. You need to know exactly when things happen, what happens when, what you want the reader to take from it. It should be so well planned you know what the last chapter will say, what the last paragraph will be. This is the most important chapter of your story so you really must get everything right here. Sow the seeds that you will reap in the coming chapters and even (especially) the final chapter.
That is all. I'm not this comprehensive unless I find a decent piece with potential. This could be a great story with a bit of work. Keep it up!
P.S. it is much easier to be critical of someone else's work than it is your own so feel free to critique my most recent work
post882401.html#p882401
best,
JP
It's really good. I like the plot very much. I also really like Bubbly. I think you captured cild innocence perfectly. I can't wait for more!
Wow, I really liked this. I agree that you should go a little slower with the whole romantic thing, so it makes people keep reading. Also, don't make Angel seem too perfect- it makes it seem unrealistic. I'd like her better if she had some sort of fault, along with all of her 'goodness'.
Great job! I can't wait to read the next chapters. Keep writing, please!
To start off, I would like to say that it was very well-written. You captured the detail of the emotions of your character quite well, although it was a bit overbearing when introducing Angel. I believe you introduced her a bit too early, and his love for her should've been introduced later on.
There was a minor grammatical error I noticed. You must put commas when one is speaking to another and calling them by name. Such as when Dilbert was speaking to Bubbly. Instead of "Nothing Bubbly. Go on and play," it should be "Nothing, Bubbly. Go on and play." You've done this on other occasions and I hope you remember this in the long-run.
Also, when this sentence came up, "As hard as he tried, Dilbert just could not force out the words 'You were even cuter.'", I believe it is all right to just put quotation marks around "You were even cuter." The words are not thoughts, so the apostrophes are unnecessary.
Other than those few things, I thought it was very well-written and I hope you continue writing as well in the future!
*CMA
Haha! Great beginning, I must say. It really pulls somebody and makes them curious. I already like Dilbert. He sounds like a little lovestruck puppy and Angel is oblivious to it all. Bubbly sounded so cute, I wanted to hug here. The way that you made their accents was also a very nice touch.
I can't find anything I didn't like except for the fact that there isn't anymore! I love this already so please write more! I'll give you a cookie if you do...
Haha anyway this is a worthless review, but continue this please!
-Nana
Haha when I read the first bit, I instantly thought of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Anyway...
The first paragraph was perhaps the thing that caught my attention the most.
"No memories, no life outside their own world, no names, no families, no identity. They were the Lost, and that's all they'd ever be."
Very enticing...it definitely made me want to keep reading...moving on...When you switched the scene over to Dilbert, that was really good transitioning! I loved when Bubbly intruded in the story...that was a nice touch.
Dilbert clearly has it bad for Angel. Love is always a fun addition to a story, and you put it in nicely.
Now, my critique: there weren't any grammatical or spelling mistakes that I noted, that was good. Some of the emotions were a bit too strong I suppose. You might want to work Dilbert's love for Angel into the story slower. You've already written the first chapter, and it's clear that Dilbert is madly lovestruck. Slow it down a little, make the reader need to read more just to find out what happens next.
Good overall though!