dragonfphoenix

Knight Dragon, here to review! All right, first off, with this: "This is my first attempt at writing something other than poetry. I'm hoping to really take this novel somewhere. ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "It was only when she got to the ground, it was as if..." This reads awkwardly because it's a really forced comma splice. This ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: Although not technically incorrect to start out with a thought, it makes it seem like the character's talking, and then psyche! Nope, it's just ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: Although "Armeiana" is a very unique name, it's going to cause major headaches with both pronunciation and even the simple task of reading the ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Okay, you've heard this a few times already, but I'll repeat it: this needs to be broken up. At least you have chapter heads, which ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! First off, (and I know this has been said before), this piece is really long. I would recommend breaking it up into parts to make ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "Preston woke up before sunrise and got dressed, he donned his polished armor and sharpened his sword till morning came." This is a comma ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "read more of good old King James" I'm not sure if they would refer to "the good Book" this way back then. "the author, ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: " a serious businessman headed for Ipswich for a serious business meeting." The "serious businessman...serious business meeting" might have been reiterated fo

Knight Dragon, here to review! "A difference" This line was offbeat by two syllables. You had a nice pattern of increasing beats to four, then going back down to one. ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: " In science terms it does everything for us" In "scientific" terms sounds better. My mind just sort of stalled on "science terms." "I ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "The forest was huge and it would take me hours to get out of it." Although technically correct, this sentence reads really roughly. It ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "Firstly that only pain and pleasure experiences are of use to us. Secondly that pleasure is the highest valued intrinsic good of human life." ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "One that doesn't constrict but embraces." For style reasons, I would advise you to put a comma in front of "but." It helps the ...

Knight Dragon, here to review! Technical: "'It's just snow!' He shouted." The "He" shouldn't be capitalized. "'I love you,' he wiped his eyes and..." That comma should be a period, ...