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The first sentence is badly structured. Let me show you. "The boy woke up, last night was eventfully tiresome. He had his first sex, though he wasn’t entirely satisfied." The ...

Firstly Kita don't ever assume your critique terrible the main thing is you bothered to. Now with this story it was too short... I know it's a short story but ...

Okay, I still feel this starts too fast. You need to make somethings clearer. You need some more character development and check grammar, you mispell some words. Also transition bit ...

Oh god that's wonderful... So meaningful so beautiful. You're my Goddess and when we meet it shall be perfect. Okay as for errors 'roil' is that suppose to be roll? ...

This is very well written and addresses the idea magnificently. You've got a great intro and rest. My only problem was grammar related use spell check once you written something ...

Interesting story. It would fit in a book of thrillers of horrors. My first complaint is you never really get much idea of how characters looked. To me they were ...

Tis interesting, but maybe try and research names. The names you have for people in Japan, I first assumed Russia not Japan. You need to make that clearer early on. ...

I felt this had alot of potential this chapter, but it was too fast, and nothing was clearly established at the start I didn't realize he got out at a ...

WTF!!!!... Yeh that pretty well explains this part, I felt very confused, and here again who does he love his Nurse or the girl Toki. It appears to me he ...

Hmm, just can't find any reason to like Toki, this side of story seems terribly stereotypical I prefer Jake's parts. I like the teacher though, glad he knows his job. ...

I reckon BBB got most mistakes, I don't like Hiro much actaully I hate him misogynistic *beep*. Anyway I agree with Andy this part felt more compelling and I liked ...

I sadly agree with Andy, I was bored, I was honestly bored. Also I found something at the beginning that bothered me you told us a nickname would it be ...

I can't agree, I've read far better fantasies an after reading action scenes with "and" non stop. It gets tedious. I like first one, but Subtle Knife action scenes ruined ...

Okay, I agree with others about description also I'm not a fan of anti-climatic chapters which sadly this was. You had this great build up of them going and everything ...

Hmm okay, this was bad okay, but if you put more in this, I'd feel sorrow more for the character, lets begin. Suggestions blue Corrections red If text underlined it's ...