canislupis

I think you should revise your sentences a little. I haven't got time for a full review, but I thought you had a good idea, and worth continuing.

from the punctuation point of view there are a few mistakes, and the sentences don't go very well together.

good idea, well presented.

ok, I don't normally read this stuff, and it's gross. first of all the rating needs to be at least pg13, probably R. as for the actual writing it wasn't ...

thanks for the ideas. I will definitely keep them in mind.

good idea. make some things clearer. the dialogue doesn't sound very natural or realistic in some parts, you should change the wording slightly.

um, yeah. only one space. some minor grammatical and spelling errors, and you could have revised a few sentences. I reallt like the theme and the idea.

I agree. If you are about to sell this, and try to get it published, it definitely would be a good idea to get it off this site. I liked ...

hee hee. I had to read it twice before I understood it. Maybe you should make the (and I quote) " OOOAABLUGAAAAHHHH!!!" out of cap locks.

Thanks so much! sorry about the spacing thing, it turned out differently than I expected it to. I will edit it in accordance with your suggestions! thanks again!