ahhhsmusch

"or suffocating him with a pillow." I would either cut this out or the brain smashing line. The two together make the opening sentence drag on instead of end with ...

"His name was Edwin" I'd cut out this second one since you already told us his name in the first line. "Despite his appearance, he had several nice belongings; a ...

This was a good read. The only negatives thoughts I had about this piece were about the dream. The dream takes up the majority of this piece and does a ...

I liked the stylistic approach you took to this story. Personally, I am a fan of characters whose names are not narrated because it adds a sense of objectivity and ...

((my comments are like this)) The lone figure walks through the snow covered path without looking back. The man's eyes cold and flashing with anger as the bundle in his ...

My comments are spaced between double parenthesis. Also, I love The Lottery. The morning of June 26th was gloomy and dismal, not just the sky ((I would move the 'but ...

I think that what this story needs the most is more. John's characterization is minimal. He is the hero, but we have no sense why. Right now, he is a ...

I found this story really funny. The contrast between the innocent questions about chocolate and heaven and then the sudden truck is so great, it's ridiculous. If you weren't going ...

Wow, now this is a really twisted, disgusting song. Jesus. But, at least you had the guts to post this. I wouldn't do it, so I respect you for that ...

I agree with Lumi, this piece lacks originality. By the first few lines, I could already tell where this story was going. You did not shed any new light on ...

Great narration by the old man. You did a great job on keeping his voice consistent and as a result, characterizing him further by how he perceives. I found the ...

I like the flow of this piece. You don't waste time on long elaborate descriptions and your similes are short and sweet. However, although the reading was smooth, I never ...

Alright, as I go through this I am just going to write down my thoughts. "Epoh had become lazy" Why has he become lazy? "You've been gone a few months", ...

Great piece. You have a way with imagery that allows you to sustain the very morose mood and tone. I didn't like the "gray, gray, gray, gray" part because I ...

This story reminds me of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," but infused with the narration of a teenage girl, which is a really interesting idea. The setting and general atmosphere of ...