“Ya got any last words John?” The Sheriff asked holding the barrel of a rifle in between his eyes. He was in the middle of nowhere, nothing but the mountains watching in anticipation and the vultures waiting for their next meal. He looked around, it was actually quite beautiful, the sky was blue, just like the color of Betty’s eyes.
“Your no man.” John lifted his head and spat on the Marshall’s left cheek. Without hesitation he pulled the trigger letting out the nine millimeter bullet. But before it made contact, time had stopped, and he had remembered.
“John Mitchel!” Butch yelled over the noise of the saloon, “Oh boy I hadn’t sheen you for ahellofa long time.” His breath reeked of alcohol.
“How are ya Butch.”
“Oh I’m fine. But the wife kicked me out my own house.” He stumbled into a waitress and got a hard right hand to the face. “Come one baby don’t be like dat.” He laughed and ordered another shot. John left the saloon before he could notice. The full moon gleamed a pale light on Dead Man’s Gulch.
Howls of laughter came from behind a building along with the muffled screams of a woman. John turned around the corner to see three deputies holding a waitress from the saloon.
“Now look here, you just go on ahead and go back where you came from, you didn’t see nothin’.” One of them said. “Boy are you deaf? I said get out of-.” A bullet found its way to his right thigh. He fell to the floor instantly, screaming in pain. While the others struggled to pull their pistol out of its holster, John had his two revolvers with the engravings “Mitchell” and “Bandits”.
“Get out of my town.” John said, giving a hand to the woman on the floor. “And if I so much as catch a glimpse of any of yall, ill make sure that the bullet goes through your damn head!”
“Why are you trying to save a whore!?” Barked the deputy with the bullet in his leg, he got another in his arm.
“Leave!” John snarled. The two uninjured deputies carried their friend away from him and vanished behind another building.
“Are you alright ma’am?” He asked. She was still a little shaken up and didn’t answer. “Where do you live?”
“By the jail.” She said.
“Then it looks like your staying with me and the wife tonight.” He unhitched his horse, and rode off into the night with the frightened woman. The galloping of Johns horse on the dirt road soothed her and she felt a bit safer with him.
Soon they arrived to John’s ranch, it was beautiful. The house was lit up by candles and Betty was on the front porch with a lantern in hand.
“John I was worried.” She said as he helped the woman off of the horse, “Who the hell is this?”
“Betty calm down, this girl was in the middle of a fuss with some deputies down by Dead Man’s. I just helped her out is all.” Betty’s face loosened a bit and she apologized to her. They walked inside and had supper. Something was on Johns mind that troubled him, but he let it pass.
“What did I tell you,” The Sheriff was scolding the three deputies.“Don’t be wearing your uniforms if your gonna’ do somethin’ stupid!” He took a long breath “It’s alright though, because now we can go get John Mitchell for killing a deputy. Once he and his gang are gone this town is ours.” The injured deputy had a puzzled expression on his face.
“Wait, he only shot me in the leg and-” The Sheriff fired off his pistol with no remorse. The two jumped as the shot went off and watched their friend drop to the ground with a hard thud. “We ride at dawn!”
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,787 Reviews
It's good! Now get ready for a review, because I do westerns too! (Hey, that rhymed! XD)
[/quote/]Without hesitation he pulled the trigger letting out the nine millimeter bullet.[/quote/]
Nine millimeter. There is an old west gun that came in that measurement, but to enhance the western effect, you might want to say, "Colt .45" (for a pistol) or Winchester .44 (for a rifle). Finding the right guns for my stories took up most of my research time. I'm saying this, because when I think of a nine mm, I think of the modern gun. Just saying. Also, there needs to be a comma after "hesitation".
[/quote/]John lifted his head and spat on the Marshall’s left cheek.[/quote/]
Earlier, you referred to the marshal as the Sheriff. They are two different ranks. A US Marshal had statewide "control", and in some cases, nationwide. A Sheriff technically only has control of his county or town, and the area nearby. So a sheriff and a marshal aren't the same thing. And I don't think you would capitalize "marshal" in that sentence. It's not a proper noun. (now if John was directly speaking to the sheriff/marshal, and called him "Marshal" like a name, then that would be capitalized)
[/quote/]The Sheriff asked holding the barrel of a rifle in between his eyes.[/quote/]
There needs to be a comma after "asked".
That's it. I liked the story cause I love westerns, and if you write more, let me know.
It's good! Now get ready for a review, because I do westerns too! (Hey, that rhymed! XD)
"Without hesitation he pulled the trigger letting out the nine millimeter bullet."
Nine millimeter. There is an old west gun that came in that measurement, but to enhance the western effect, you might want to say, "Colt .45" (for a pistol) or Winchester .44 (for a rifle). Finding the right guns for my stories took up most of my research time. I'm saying this, because when I think of a nine mm, I think of the modern gun. Just saying. Also, there needs to be a comma after "hesitation".
"John lifted his head and spat on the Marshall’s left cheek."
Earlier, you referred to the marshal as the Sheriff. They are two different ranks. A US Marshal had statewide "control", and in some cases, nationwide. A Sheriff technically only has control of his county or town, and the area nearby. So a sheriff and a marshal aren't the same thing. And I don't think you would capitalize "marshal" in that sentence. It's not a proper noun. (now if John was directly speaking to the sheriff/marshal, and called him "Marshal" like a name, then that would be capitalized)
"The Sheriff asked holding the barrel of a rifle in between his eyes."
There needs to be a comma after "asked".
That's it. I liked the story cause I love westerns, and if you write more, let me know.
I think that what this story needs the most is more. John's characterization is minimal. He is the hero, but we have no sense why. Right now, he is a very flat character and flat characters do not make good protagonists. In my opinion, heroes of the western genre need a good reason to be a hero because in the west, where the social order is built on chaos (lack of government, corrupt officials as you presented) heroes rarely emerge because as the hero they single themselves out from everyone else. Also, I think that the reason the hero of the western genre has become one used so often is because the lack of order that the small towns and communities have, thus making the hero all the more unique and separate due to this lack of order and morality.
There isn't anything that shows us why John has decided to help this woman while fighting the Sheriff. Why does he care about the woman? Why doesn't anyone else care? What makes John different from other people in the town? Also, Why was the Sheriff attacking the woman? I feel like there is a much large story behind this and you only uncovered a little and if you were intending this story to be very minimalistic, then you didn't provide enough clues for us to unravel the story ourselves.
Also, the Sheriff mentions John Mitchell's gang at the end. What about his gang? Where are they? Why does John have a gang?
Also, when I was reading this, every time I saw John Mitchell's name, I though Joni Mitchell. But, that is just me.
Hey callmeike,
This isn't bad! It's not the type of thing I'd usually read, but still, you held my attention which means you've done a pretty good job on this - at least in that aspect. It was fairly intriguing and well written. I particularly love how you've written the dialogue, emphasising their accents/dialects. It makes the characters much more real to a person when they can see how they speak.
I did notice that this story was very fast paced - all action. My one only point is that I found it perhaps just the tiniest bit too fast paced. A fast pace can be good, but it wouldn't hurt to go back over it and add just a little more to it. Expand it. Add more description, feeling, situation rather than just the action. Make the reader feel as if they're truly there.
I also noticed just one error above. The first line should be "You're no man."
But overall, I don't think you've done a bad job with this at all. It has a lot of potential, if you'd be willing to go back and add more to it!
~MorningMist~
This was rather amusing to read for me, simply because I enjoy reading about the wild west. and in my opinion this is very nice piece of work here. I believe that you could have given physical description's of what all the character's were like, it isen't nessary but it helps the reader's imagination while reading pieces like this. it also gives us an idea what they were back then, like where the bullet landed on the deputy that was murdered. things like that in general it helps giving such things as that. but all and all I give this piece a eight out of ten.
Your Reviewer-
MasterLHeart