TheEnigma

This is awesome! So scary. I liked your rhyme scene and your chorus, that gave it this really intense chant-like kind of feeling. My only criticisms would be to remember ...

Just a couple suggestions: ~remember to make a new paragraph when someone new starts talking. This makes it clearer to the reader who the speaker is. ~try breaking your paragraphs ...

Wow, this is excellent. I like how you use their conversation at the beginning as a kind of foreshadowing, and then it really happens. You wrote it from a really ...

This is really suspenseful. You've got a mystery to hook the reader right off from the start. That's a good thing. You have really nice descriptions as well, like when ...

Whoa, I like this. I see you went somewhere with Tristan and the main character. You do some really intense character play in this piece. The whole thing with the ...

Wow, this was intense. I really liked your writing and you developed the plot perfectly. It was full of suspense and it was interesting. I also liked how you took ...

Well-manicured gardens glistened in the sun. Ina and Nikita stood before the slick silver front of the ISCON mall. The mall was quickly living up to its promise to be ...

This was really good. The only mistakes that I would correct is your spelling of loser (you spelled it "looser") and something in your first paragraph: "...were already had..." I ...

You write with beautiful, flowing description that I can't seem to find anymore. Your vocabulary is excellent and I only saw one error, down towards the bottom of Chapter One; ...

Very nice hook-you grabbed my attention right away and that's important-but you have to keep it. I think you can break down both paragraphs into smaller paragraphs that make the ...

This is excellent! I love the conversation between Tristan and your narrator. I also like how you go into depth with the characters, revealing a little of their personal histories--just ...

I like your characterization a lot. Grant's an interesting character and you can make a really good story with him, dacoozed. Just some grammatical things: You have a lot of ...

Horseradish is right, you could definitely expand this. I think your characters are ready to say more. I would suggest that you use a little more dialogue--that's a good way ...