Published July 3, 2010
ok, I was inspired to write this poem because I had seen a biography about Richard Ramirez, also known as "The Night Stalker" he was a real killer and I tried to tell some of his gruesome story here. hope you like it.
The Night Stalker
Lock your windows, bolt your doors
Because I’m coming
The first was not elaborate
I simply slit her neck
The rush was unbelievable
Something I shall never forget
Lock your windows, bolt your doors
Because I’m coming
I followed the next to her home
And shot her outside the door
She lived but her friend was not as lucky
I laughed as she fell to the floor
Lock your windows, bolt your doors
Because I’m coming
My killings grew in number
My tactics changed size and shape
From gouging out a women’s eyes
To the 6 year old I raped
Lock your windows, bolt your doors
Because I’m coming
I smashed their heads with a hammer
Each one by one
A pentagram with lip stick I drew
O yes, the fun had just begun
To late to lock, to late to bolt
Because I’m here
Satins work I was doing
I got sloppier with you
You lived and saw my license plate
And told the police to
I kept on going, no need to fear
Satan's work I was doing
They caught me
And took me in
I was not afraid of the court
With satans help I could win
I kept on going, no need to fear
Satan's work I was doing
I shouted “hail Satan”
A pentagram on my hand
I showed signs of Satan
And laughed at people on the stand
I kept on going, no need to fear
Satan's work I was doing
The court found me guilty
To me it was no surprise
They sentenced me to death
Out I marched with no guilt in my eyes
I kept on going, no need to fear
Satan's work I was doing
So now I wait in death row
It’s really not that bad
I had chosen to do satans work
And for this I’m glad.
Even though I’m locked away, in my mind there is no doubt
That satan's work shall forever ever be carried out
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You need more punctuation! You only used comas in this poem and some periods would do nicely at the end of a statement though. Such as the line;
You might want to try;
You can probably also do this in most of your other lines. This just makes it easier to read and makes it flow nicer. It ends a thought and lets the reader know that this is a new sentence and a new thought.
I do love the repetition of The only thing I might have changed with this is again, punctuation. (I'm not trying to be mean or hard on you in anyway, I just want to see you improve and write mind-blowing poetry.)
Try maybe;
I must tell you, I love the story this is telling. I also love how this is a non-fiction poem, and based on a real killer. Adds a little mystifying touch to the reader, letting them know that this really happened. I also like your rhyming—but it has no pattern that I can find. I might just be missing it and if I am, sorry.
A few things in this; 'to' at the end must be changed to 'too'. As in an additional add on. I also don't really understand this very much. The first two lines weren't very linked. Maybe try putting a period after the word 'doing'? Also, your first word is spelled wrong. You said 'Satin' as in the material. I'm pretty sure you meant 'Satan'.
Hm...I think there should be a rhyme here maybe? It would also make the lines about the same length if you added 'here' after the word 'doing'.
One last thing?
First, you need to capitalize Satan. Second, 'Forever ever' sounds strange to me. I think you should take out 'ever'.
I hope you don't think I was too harsh. As I said earlier, I just want to see you improve.
Good luck in the future.~Master
This is awesome! So scary. I liked your rhyme scene and your chorus, that gave it this really intense chant-like kind of feeling. My only criticisms would be to remember the difference between "to" and "too", and Satan is spelled with an a. Satin is a type of fabric
. But other than that, this poem was amazing. Very graphic.