possessing the 4 elements

by pencilgirl

Published June 21, 2010

I was nine when I discovered the truth. It was a cold rainy night and I was running home because I was very late. My exams were near and I was doing some studying in the library and after an hour or two of hard work I had fallen asleep and when I woke up it was 9 p.m. My mother was going to be infuriated. Suddenly I had a feeling that while I was running someone was following me. I could hear extra pitter patter of footsteps and I whished the rain would stop so that my thought would be proved wrong. Then the oddest thing happened, the rain, it stopped. I still herd the footstep and I was frightened. I started to shiver rapidly and another weird thing, the earth began to shake. I was terrified; I turned around and saw that it was just a boy from my class. He was one of the bullies that I could never face. He saw that I had spotted him and was just about to ignore him when he said the words that made me heat up. “You’re religion is ridiculous, you should go back to your country we do not need you in are world. Go away and take your weird family with you”. I felt my hands burn until the heat reached my fingernails. The last thing he remembered for the cause of the burn on his arm was that he could se me standing in front of him with me eyes glowing like fire and then there was a flash. When he got back his consciousness he was lying in the rain with red burns on his arms. That was the first time I used my powers.

You maybe wondering why I didn’t use my power of wind since it comes in the 4 elements I used it later when I fully discovered them but I also thought it would look like I was showing off. My grandmother was also at a certain age the elements possessor and she had to use them for the good of society she soon explained everything to me. I was a possessor and my strongest element was according to my astrological sign, it was water. I use my powers to help others but the biggest problem; I have to hide my identity. It still has its advantages, I can make rain come when it’s to hot, make it sunny when it’s a boring weather, I can make more plants grow in my backyard and I love to enjoy windy days. One day I had do use them to end this world because I was the last descendant of these powers. My job was that when the creator gives me the order to banish this world I will have to. I will have to first bring cyclones and tornadoes to destroy shelters and a place known as peoples…sanctuary. Then I had to bring earthquakes to destroy their land. Then call the most powerful tidal waves and destroy mankind and finally make the sun banish the world. Next is a mystery to you and me, if you read this I apologize but what has to be done is destiny and fate and even you know you can’t tamper with them.

Comments & reviews · 8
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RedRaven
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RedRaven wrote a review Review · Jun 25, 2010

I liked the beginning - you grabbed my attention right away. The thing is though is that you have to keep it that way. The rest of your story didn't, it was just listing types of secrets. [*Sorry if that was harsh*]

Things I didn't like though:

1) While reading, I was somewhat confused because of the run-on sentences. Try breaking up your ideas into smaller sentences.

2) The only other thing I noticed were a few spelling errors.

Nice work though.

- RedRaven

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pencilgirl
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pencilgirl commented Comment · Jun 22, 2010

thank you for all the reviews and tough critisizm

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rygel
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rygel wrote a review Review · Jun 22, 2010

This is an interesting read but for me it was a bit too short and simplified. I think you should have given some more detail to what the main character actually is and what she can do. Also try to explain more about each of the characters like that bully and the creator, whoever he or she is.

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Dubaian
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Dubaian wrote a review Review · Jun 22, 2010

Remember that sometimes when you use a spellcheck that you may have typed a word correctly, but not the correct word for the sentence. Proof-reading helps to ensure you have the right words in the right places. Example: “You’re religion is ridiculous, you should go back to your country we do not need you in are world..."

The are would actually be 'our'.

Get a friend to read it, or a parent/guardian, they might even have a suggestion for you that you may have not thought about at the time, more than one set of eyes looking at the same thing can see more together :).

Good luck!

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pencilgirl
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pencilgirl commented Comment · Jun 22, 2010

thank you i for acknowledging my work

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Shepherd
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Shepherd wrote a review Review · Jun 21, 2010

This is interesting.

I think you should definitely develop it a little more--right now it seems to move very quickly and a lot of the potential description has been lost. Show the reader what you mean! Instead of explaining flat-out that she's late for exams, maybe elaborate on the stress she's under, to give us an idea about her personality.

This is still very nice though! Good work!

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pencilgirl
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pencilgirl commented Comment · Jun 21, 2010

no not really i just like superpowers

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TheEnigma
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TheEnigma wrote a review Review · Jun 21, 2010

Very nice hook-you grabbed my attention right away and that's important-but you have to keep it. I think you can break down both paragraphs into smaller paragraphs that make the story flow. I got a little confused as I was reading it because of the run-on sentences as well. Make a sentence for each idea, don't try and smash a bunch of ideas into one sentence, because idea-smashing distracts the reader.
I also saw a few spelling errors:
~in the first paragraph, "whished" should be spelled wished
~in the first paragraph, "herd" should be "heard"
~in the second paragraph, was "do" meant to be "to"?

I like your idea a lot, though. You weren't be any chance planning to see The Last Airbender, were your?



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