[story deleted]

Sure, post it. As a new topic, though. Like "My Falling Sun: Chapter 2".

Thank you so much for your help! If I have another chapter should i post it here? Or its own thing? (I am new to this site)

Rstegs15 wrote:I stepped outside into the cool morning air. The summer sun peeked over the top of the house across the street; light spreading like liquid throughout the pink cotton candy clouds. This doesn't really have a good hook to lure the reader in the story. Think of a good line to start it off.

“It is way too early to be up,” Ethan grumbled, handing his father the bright green suitcase which he Which he? If there are two males, avoid using "he" a lot. put into the car.

“Stop complaining,” Mr. Mahoney told his son, taking the small first aid kit from me, “Your It's "you're", not "your". And can I be honest here? The fact that you made a grammatical error kind of turns me off. Watch for those things in the future! not the one who will be stuck in traffic.” Ethan just continued to grumble back towards the house. I was watching Mr. Mahoney fit the kit into the packed minivan when a pair of I'd delete "pair of". It's much cleaner off and less confusing, if you're talking about one person. arms slipped around my waist. I smiled. I didn’t need to look to see who it was.

“Tristan is getting the last thing,” Kevin told his dad before placing a kiss on my forehead.

I smiled up at my boyfriend, warmth spreading through me like sunlight. Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought. Thoughts are usually put in italics. Not only did I have the best boyfriend ever, and the best friend ever-–who had, at this moment, settled down next to her boyfriend on the lawn--but I got to go on vacation with them for two whole weeks. Okay, wait. Hold the phone. You just jerked in two characters. And real characters just don't pop in existence. They're playing with the hem of their shirt, or yelling out a "hello" to the MC when she shows up. Make sure you include the people even if they're not doing anything important. It was quite miraculous actually, that my parents had allowed me to spend my vacation on the beach with my boyfriend, but I guess they trusted me. Sure, I had just yesterday gotten The Talk from my mom, and she told me the importance of waiting and being safe and I knew all that. But, I also knew about love and what I felt for Kevin, and I felt I was ready. Judging from this, I'm guessing that this protagonist ignored her mom's protection. This is more personal opinion than anything else, but a person who doesn't listen to her parents is a bit of a turn-off. She's still a teenager. She should listen to her parents. Your reasons for the protagonist not listening should be expanded upon.

Just then, Tristan came out of the house carrying a huge cooler. Mrs. Mahoney fluttered behind him, saying, “Are you sure it’s not too heavy, dear? I can get one of my boys to help.” I smiled at this, Mrs. Mahoney was like the mother none of us ever had. None of us ever had? Expand on this thought. Tristan told her that no, he didn’t need any help and placed the cooler into the car.

Tristan is was (Stick to the tense. If you go between present and past tense, it throws people off.) Kevin’s best friend who had accompanied the Mahoney’s to their beach house in Rhode Island every year. However, this year Kevin and Ethan decided to invite Anna and I, leaving Tristan with nothing to do. After some discussion it was decided that Tristan should come with all of us, he said he didn’t mind being the fifth wheel.

“Is that everything?” Mr. Mahoney asked, clapping his hands together in a satisfied way.

We all nodded and he said, “Then off we go!” Make a new paragraph for each piece of dialogue.

The five of us climbed in the car and I couldn’t help but smile This lacks description. Put in some description of the car and who the MC is sitting next to because it brings the reader in more with the story.. This was sure to be a vacation I would never forget.

Horseradish is right, you could definitely expand this. I think your characters are ready to say more. I would suggest that you use a little more dialogue--that's a good way to get them to tell their own story--though you are already doing a nice job with that. Their conversation is very human-sounding, for example when Ethan is complaining of how early it is. A bit of advice: Don't be afraid to use the word 'said'! It's highly functional and very unobtrusive.
Perhaps talk about the characters' relationships a little more; I found myself wondering how all these people tie in with each other.
Very nice job overall, though. A little beach romance is welcome, especially this time of year

Hey Rstegs15,

First of all, I have to say that I liked it. It had its sweet and charming moments, which every romantic short story should have. But, I also have to say that this does need some work before you send it off anywhere.

For one, just a tiny bit of conventions work needs to be done. Always remember the difference between 'two', 'to', 'too'. The second paragraph should have a 'too' for instance, instead of 'to'. Also, when a character is thinking inside his/her head, you usually put it in italics (i.e. "Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment?" should be in italics, and then you should add a comma, and put "I thought." without italics afterwards. Other than that, conventions look good. By the by, I salute you for using a semicolon!

Second, I think you should take a look at your word choice and expand. Not that I'm not saying there aren't shining moments of 'wordy' light--I loved your used of "fluttered", "miraculous", and "pink (there should be a comma between 'pink' and 'cotton candy' because they are both describing clouds) cotton candy clouds". Just take some of the everyday words and phrases you used like: "I couldn't help but smile" and change them up a little. That, along with using 'best' in the same sentence more than once (the BEST boyfriend ever and the BEST friend ever--mix it up a bit!). There are other instances, but I'm not going to be nitpicky about them.

Also, don't forget that a good piece is full with varying sentence structure (meaning: short, long, medium)!

And I really think that you should expand the story overall. It's not that romantic by itself, and seriously, it seems as if it just cuts off at the end. Think of this as only the 'prologue' of your real short story! I'd say cut out the unneeded fat of this and then integrate it into a longer and much more fulfilling piece. What happens on vacation? Why not go on and show the readers what happens between the five--it's a lot better just showing them than just alluding to it like in this piece. Sometimes a cliffhanger works for this type of genre, but not in situation. It comes off as a flat and almost unmotivised piece. Just remember, short stories can run from half a page to ten!

Other than those points, I thought it was a good start-off to something magical. Just let your creative juices flow and the real magic with appear. Don't be frigtened to revise your work over and over--it only makes it better!

Hope to see much more from you in the future!

~Horseradish