Stori

Where exactly is this coming from? The person has a dream, then it's the first day of school. No transition. And who exactly is this Toki fellow?

It's cool. Good analogies.

Wow. Is this an expression of how you feel?

"Luke," Mark called from behind him. He jumped. "Oh, hi," he mumbled. He turned back to face the screen. Mark looked around at the room, the tidy bookshelves, the dark ...

I'm not sure what you're getting at. I know the narrator can "contact" people, but what does that mean? Why doesn't he talk?

You did tend to lapse into present tense a lot. Like "The cavern is full of lava" and so on. Otherwise, the story was well written and the action flowed ...

A good work. I like the theme of release and the way you presented it.

This reads more like prose than poetry, I think. But still, it's a good job.

Wow, that was cool. The theme of a hero was very well done.

Wow, that's suspenseful. Hopefully, it will be included in the book!

Sure you're "cut out". You just need some polishing. For instance, what does the girl look like? Is she tall, short, pretty? And why exactly does she think a demon ...

Interesting, but what's the point? The whole thing is describing someone, but who is it?

This is much too rigid. It sounds more like a news broadcast than a fictional account. "The moon peered out from behind a cloud, bathing the man's figure in a ...

You all of a sudden started calling the main character Nye. Is his name Eric or Nye?

I would break this up. Maybe have each perspective as a different chapter.