Sam

Thanks, guys! I went back and fixed all the typos- I should really, really not try to write anything before ten in the morning. It just doesn't seem as coherent... ...

Hey again, Serena! Quick response to your answers above- very cool. However, if I didn't catch all of the little cool plot twist and I'm analyzing this piece, it's probably ...

Thanks for both of your critiques, Wysteria! Any suggestions for elongation? I tend to elongate all of the wrong places- i.e., the boring bits. I will go back and lengthen ...

Ah, such is the life of...er, me, Shriekness. That is, trying to make certain scenes- especially the ones that are supposed to be a lot more frank and sober- not ...

Ooh, thanks, WD! A double-critique! :wink: That's a good point about Henry...reading through it again, it seems like foreshadowing, even though it's not- or, at least, I haven't plotted such ...

Ah, already in the first paragraph, the theme ties in much better... I still love the first paragraph about Sebastian. He's a contradtiction, in himself, but we all know people ...

I'd add it in into her paragraph- I didn't get the impression that Sebastian was a time bomb? I'd add in something about that, too, so that the point of ...

Teehee! He will get hawt, Skyeness, or at least I hope so... Thank you guys, very, very much. I just went through and chopped up the major things- I still ...

Ah, you guys are so excellent! I can't thank you enough for the detailed- and new- feedback. Lots, lots more than grammar check, I'll tell you that. :D Cal- I'm ...

Ooh! That is majorly awesome- you may have to detail some more on the reenacting, sometime. :D Granted, I'm having a devil of a time with clothing as well, dealing ...

I'd do a little of each: the peasanty is good for a quick reference picture, and the desperate-for-the-job aspect just soidifies it all. Teehee, just change the breed to plain ...

Bah, I should really practice what I preach, right, Imp? :wink: Thanks for pointing out the modifiers- I have seemingly have a bit of a problem with using them, seemingly ...

Thanks, guys! :D Yeah, that paragraph is a bit odd- most certainly something to chop up. Is there anything unclear? I've had these characters prancing about like loons in my ...

It's pretty amusing how we disagree on everything, Brad...if we critiqued the same piece, I think the author would have a spastic fit or a run-in with cardiac arrest. :wink: ...

This is a very interesting first paragraph, but it's very short! You've got to give us a little bit more of an idea who Johnny is before we can decide ...