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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
not much to say that hasn't already been said, but whatever. =P
this is pretty great writing you've got here. the globe description was fantastic!
and I love the way the teacher and the Luke interact with each other, even though I agree with this, as well:
it's a very interesting story, and you tell it in a way so that it doesn't get boring.
looking forward to more!
Marvelous, dahling, marvelous! Delightful to read. Your dialogue is very well done and your description is beautiful. The few things I did notice were pointed out by CL.
I know I am being nitpicky, but the part in red seems repetitive. If Luke is facing the raps of the cane, isn't it implied that his attention is directed towards it?
I think CL touched on this sentence, but the description of the chalkboards and all seemed cluttered on the adjective end. Try cutting out those dear adjectives by using more clear verbs. For instance, instead of saying 'the vandalized chalkboard', you could say 'the chalkboard, defaced with curses and sketches of anatomically incorrect women' or something to that effect (I'm sure there is a better word for defaced, but I can't think of one at the moment.)
Besides the nitpicks, I enjoyed this very much and agree with most all the suggestions given. I anticipate reading the next part of this. Nicely done and keep writing! PM me if you need anything. Toodles!
Teehee! He will get hawt, Skyeness, or at least I hope so...
)
Thank you guys, very, very much. I just went through and chopped up the major things- I still need to work on that one paragraph describing the classroom and I need to read and critique a lot more arguments before I tear up the structure, as much as it is needed. It makes it much, much easier to chastise someone else for making the same mistake first.
That's a very good quote to remember, Sean. I'm quite wordy, so I may need you as Adjective Slayer.
And Mistykins...you know you'll have to read this again and again. We shall eat confetti when I finish, and when you finish Postman we shall throw cake.
Another huge, huge thanks- I've gotten some of the best, most helpful replies I've ever seen on this site. (I hope to have the second part up soon, in case anyone wants to come back for another bout of paragraph hacking.
God, I adored it. Not only is this the best thing you've written, but it's the best thing I've ever read on YWS. Of course, you've improved since the last draft of this (which corresponds with the previous statement). After reading this story myself for four years, I have to say, that although I don't know your characters as well as you do (clearly) I do feel as though I know rather a lot about them. At least I have a pressing advantage...a running start, so to speak.
The beginning description was perfection. It was worth the wait, for sure. I believe your second-to-most-recent draft began with someone being, quote, "saucy."
It had me so snared I almost felt like I was reading a novel from Barnes 'N Noble, standing squeamishly in thick specs, out-of-place ponytail, old jeans, trying to sneak peaks of the book to see if it would be something i'd like.
In fact, it would.
If the rest of the book keeps up at this rate, goodness Sam, think of it!
Undoubtably the best description in the book, (perhaps, in any book) was Luke's mouth, being satisfyingly full with laughter. How phenomenal. Outrageous.
This is a gushing critique of little substance, I suppose, but I did enjoy this, rather.
Woohoo, I'm finally reading Hourglass. From the looks of things, I'm in for some fun, eh?
So, without further ado...
Like Imp said before, the alliteration in the first sentence is nothing short of delicious, but after that the description of the "farm rabble" is a bit confused -- too many adjectives, perhaps? The humour in the last sentence also seems to be a little too random for the first couple paragraphs - maybe tone it down a bit and save the fun stuff for later!
Huh, that's funny: my Spell Check says that "marvelled" and "revelled" only have one "L". I never knew that. H'okay, moving on...
So, are these lovely, bacon-chewing pupils sitting or standing? It sounds here like they're standing, but in other places I assumed they were seated. Perplexing. I believe Cal and Jack already brought up description, though, so I'll just leave it at that.
Is it just me, or is Luke smokin' hawt?
The dialogue's pretty much fantastic. Sounds perfectly Colonial, but it's not off-puttingly obscure. If that makes any sense at all.
I think that just about covers everything I wanted to say. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more! I'll keep my eyes peeled for updates, but if I miss one you have permission to kick me for my negligence.
Have a good one.
this was good but this part deosn't really make any sense: [His lips pulled themselves together in a smirk as he rattled off the place names one after the other, seemingly a circus side show to the rapt crowd of open-mouthed, bacon-chewing “farm rabble” the aristocratic Mr. Verplanck thought it was his divine duty to educate. In reality, they would probably be better off feeding their fingers to carnivorous geese.
They marvelled at the Foreigner and his thick Cockney speech- something Luke himself revelled in. To that particular breed of Virginian, a Briton’s accent was a Briton’s accent, socioeconomic status be damned.] When Writing in this way, in your style,always remember the Quote "simplicity in detail" (wow ive used that so much on this site.....oh well its needed........) anyway the majority of it is wonderfully done and i hope you continue on with this by creating a way for your character to find his future...... good luck ill be wait ing to read it later.... and remember HAVE FUN WRITING!!!!!!
Ah, you guys are so excellent! I can't thank you enough for the detailed- and new- feedback. Lots, lots more than grammar check, I'll tell you that.
I might need to run the paragraph describing Verplanck, wherein there was a pronoun agreement issue by you again...it's unclear, I'll warrant, but I meant people in general. That's one for the rewrite list.
Your critiques are gorgeous things... I hope to have the slaughtered version in the above's place by the end of the week, so, if you mean to beat me with lizards in the instance that I don't follow your advice, you may do so.
Cal- I'm going to have to reprint your reprint and go through to slaughter my sentences. I've been reading a bit too much Dostoyevsky recently- does it show?
But...the pen...and paper...soooo droolingly beautiful. Good old-fashioned critiques are quite grand.
Jack- Ooh, very good points, now that I read it through again. Verplanck shows up again in rather dire circumstances, so I need to make him scary now. It's funny, how you just changed one little word and made him just that. I think I'll steal it. And ah, how many times have I shouted at people to put background into dialogue? You and Imp have caught me in very embarrasing situations.
Teehee...the version you read was in my ever-so-lovely 'real artists don't plot' phase. This one, however, I mean to be the last complete overhaul, and ergo it is roman-numeralled for twenty pages in a packet on my desk. Should be much, much tighter this time around.
__
I can't thank you guys enough.
Hey Sam --
I'm with Cal. Although the focus is on the exchange between the teacher and Luke, other aspects that need to be considered are forgotten. The dialogue is great and funny and I loved it, but description seems to disappear after the first couple of paragraphs. Those little details, like the globe, are brilliant, but don't really continue. Add more! Describe the other children a bit more, the room.
I think you could perhaps make it more edgy and tense too. At the moment it seems a little ... fake for an argument. There should be more tension when the Verplanck is telling Luke he should not be here. His statement at the start seems more like a passing casual remark than a stern reminder. It didn't work too well. It needs to be more direct. Something like "You were expelled last week." This gets straight to the point and introduces the conflict. From there, it seems to flow better. You mention there is tension (right at the end) but unfortunately without the other schoolkids and descriptions of the atmosphere and a little dialogue tweaking here and there, it seems to be more telling than showing right there.
Otherwise this was an accomplished piece of wriing. You amaze me every time, Sam.
(by the way, does Hourglass have a plot? I never have any idea what's going on, where this is, who is who, where it's going. It's mucho confusing, but this may be my lacking rather than yours.)
'Cause you are special, too.
If there is anything unclear or illegible, please say something. *grins*
Cal.
Bah, I should really practice what I preach, right, Imp?
Thanks for pointing out the modifiers- I have seemingly have a bit of a problem with using them, seemingly uncontrollably.
Verplanck is refusing to speak inside my head, so I'm going to have to slaughter his bits before I give it up for Impish approval. Rather frustrating.
Thanks, all! *passes out cookies*
A completely engaging introduction, Sam - it was much cleaner than I recall the former fragment that I read, being.
)No line by line then, as they become odious at some point. ^_~ And at the point that this draft has reached, quibbling would be over style and preference and not over darn-fool slip-ups, so to speak.
On [perhaps] Unintended Modifiers?:
For the record, I believe I counted 'seemingly' a minimum of five times. The first time, it made a neat alliteration and set the tone for the piece. (
But it pops up later on where it appears as more of a leaving - rather like 'almost' or 'very', weakening adjectives.
It's the only word that seemed oddly misplaced throughout, that I caught through one thorough read and a dash back through. ^_^
Dialogue, I think:
You've woven narrative through the characters' speech (both summarised and between quotes) rather neatly. It has a sometimes idiomatic, sometimes offhand sort of charm to it; and the diction is 19th century without strain. Bluntly, it all comes off with Luke's colouring - and that's good for it keeps the reader engaged in the setting through being intriqued by the actor in them. Amusing, briefly chagrined, formality from Luke as well.
On a less postive note: Verplanck, at times, sounded enough like Luke I glanced back over to see if a tag indicated who was speaking.
Doubtless, you know what can be done about that. Luke's stumbling at a few points obviously set his voice in youthful appearance. What could define Verplanck a bit better?
The most distinctly 'Verplanck' in the dialogue -
A sneeringly superious schoolmaster on all counts. And 'pity' just adds the tone and delivery, without any tagging description.
Situation...
Oy, naturally, all the goings-on got me through just on amusement. ^_^ You've a gift for the cleanly humourous, a bit quirky, and your characters act without the hopeless introspection of so many (I fear I stumble into that. !_!) The beginning paced it, and it held that throughout.
I loved the beginning, put simply. ^_^
--
I'm a little useless on the level of critiquing at the moment...and I have to run. But I'll be wating to read more Hourglass.
IMP
I'm here! *falls into Sam's arms* Er... to critique! Yes... XP
Should that be "his"?Is this a part of something? It seems lonely all on it's own...
It was, and the best word I think to use is, quaint. It seemed only slightly pointless, though it was written with a perfect point, and by the end had gained one. I think it just started a little too wonder-some for me. But it was good, seeing your good details amongst the dialog showed me how to fix up mine.
It seemed like it was missing something, felt a little lonely,but I can't figure out what it is... but otherwise, it was good. Perhaps it isn't my thing? That could very well be it. Hope I helped!
Ahh...that made it so much clearer! I understand it now!
I know what you mean about your characters...it's like, you know what you're trying to say, and you assume that the audience knows everything you know sometimes...yep.
Thanks, guys!
Yeah, that paragraph is a bit odd- most certainly something to chop up. Is there anything unclear? I've had these characters prancing about like loons in my head for years, so everything that would automatically make sense to me would be like reading Chinese to someone else.
I played with the syntax a little here:
Less long-winded, but clarity...hmm...
Thanks again, Shadow and Cass!
I really enjoyed reading this--I was hooked right away, and I definitely was interested throughout the entire thing. And of course, there were no spelling/grammar errors; a nice breath of fresh air, I think you'd agree.
Just one thing I noticed, though it looks like a formatting error, one of those annoying things Word does without you noticing:
After the dialouge quotes, the first quote is backwards, I think.
I love your description--just enough to paint the scene, but not so much that I got bored.
This paragraph confused me a lot, and seemed very unclear compared to the rest of this. You might want to take a look at that.
Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or if I wasn't clear enough. And is this just a first chapter? If so, I really look forward to reading more.
Good. I don't think there's any typos in this. The story is well written, and I'm interested in seeing where this goes.
-ShadowTwit