Rei

Yes, it does rhyme pretty well. I really don't know what it's like to be in that sort of situation, but I think what it could use is more of ...

This reads a lot more like an outline of a novel than an actual story. Your first problem is the opening. Rather than give an introduction to what the story ...

This is really great. I thought it really captured the feelings you were trying to express here, and what it;s like to be in this situation. All the images used ...

The fact that it's making you talk like a brit shows just how good that book was. I only read the first one, but it was really very funny. Maybe ...

Really fascinating. It's one of those few cases where being vague and mysterious actually worked for me. I did guess pretty quickly what it was, but that didn't making me ...

Where was the story here? Your first scenes need to be a little longer to establish who these characters are, and what the relationships are. I think what you also ...

I hate to repeat myself, but for the most part, everything people have said before still applies here. What you need is more details, more information, more images, and it's ...

I like it. Great insight into the minds of many American people. A couple of things I find ironic about the song is that this song has references to violence ...

The problem I see here is that you're jumping into the story too quickly, like you were figuring it all out as you were writing it rather than before you ...

I think the problem here is that you either don't know your story well enough, or you're trying to hard to be vague and mysterious. It's not making much sence, ...

Only had time to read the beginning. I like your tone and style. However, of what I did read, it seemed more like a novel synopsis with bits of dialogue ...

Yes, these baggy pants have sadly become a fashion among certain circles. Some people at the high school I went to wore them so that the waist was below their ...

You're narrative is certainly improving, and the story over all is getting better as well. However, there are still some areas to work on. (1) The dialogue. It sounds forced ...

Pretty good. I like the tone and diction used. Very appropriate for the story. Though I'm not to sure about why you put it in italics and used "you" instead ...

Honestly, I got bored after reading the first scene and stopped. Maybe I'll read more later. The reason I got bored was that this was so mundane. It was just ...