Mysty

One... the forums don't allow indents, so you have to double-space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier. The biggest problem I had was with the beginning. "I, seventeen year ...

I really like this! The only thing I was confused about was what age the narrator currently is. Since it's in the past tense, that means she's narrating from the ...

It seems like you know a lot about this story's universe from all the information here, which is a good thing! I'm guessing if you continued with this, it would ...

I can't say this particularly caught my attention. The first paragraph is an info dump, and there's not much going on. Add to the fact that this is a very ...

You seem to be doing a better job here than in the prologue! You have a lot of narrative interwoven with the dialogue, which itself is great. My thoughts reading ...

The biggest problems I had with this is that your sentences in the beginning aren't necessarily run-ons, but they seem awkward. Wordiness, I guess is what you have there. You're ...

The first thing I thought about this was that the voice is very... not passive, but kind of blah. It's like, you need more force in here! Right now the ...

Like Sodapoplunchbox, I was very confused through most of this. To make a good, solid story, it's important to have focus, even if you're trying to make it 'random.' It's ...

Right off I was confused about this. I think a lot of it was you have a lot of non-sequiturs, that is, a statement that doesn't lead into the next. ...

I think it's obvious you're going somewhere with this, but some of the language is very distracting. For instance, when you say "sensitive orbs." Not everyone will know what you ...