MagnusBane

Hi jefferyffe! What is it? He thinks. I need to get out of here. You should place all of the man's thoughts in italics. This should help the story flow ...

Hi Kira. Welcome to YWS. :) How many days had it been since he'd accepted the job? Four, five? How many miles had it been? The last sentence seems awkward ...

Hi Elinor! I’m back for Chapter 2. Madeleine awoke to the touch of a servant's hand I don’t like the lack of information about the servant. The character is obviously ...

Hi Soulkana, This was really interesting! Demeter already covered most of the major points, but there were a few more things that I noticed: Even with my sight blocked by ...

Hi Elinor! I was so excited when I saw that you posted this. It's definitely been a while! This was a really interesting, engaging read. I love the pirate attack. ...

Hi neon! One of the things that I jumped out at me while I was reading this was all of your dialogue tags. No one just "says" anything. The characters ...

Hi nature! Reader, can I call you Art? This is a really interesting beginning. I like that you're actually addressing the reader. It makes the story much more engaging. You ...

Hi Ever! I really enjoyed this. It's well written and interesting, and I like the concept. God and the Devil, chatting and drinking coffee out of Styrofoam cups? I love ...

Hi Sionarama, This was really interesting! Magic had been in the air for such a long time that it had pervaded all normal sense. It was in everything the people ...

Hi Skins! I have to admit, this isn't the type of story that I usually read, but I love this. It's so entertaining, but also feels realistic. Poor Effie reminds ...

Hi cm! I'm back for part two. With a mighty surge, a wave as black as night towered over her with barely a moment to scream. This sentence is confusing. ...

Hi Makaila, welcome to YWS! This was a really interesting beginning. I feel so bad for Anna. AnnaLeigh was an orphan, her mother had passed shortly after giving birth to ...

Hi S.S. Rose! This is really good. I wish it was longer! The first paragraph sets up the scene so well. I particularly liked the very first sentence. Great opening. ...

Hi zephion! This is a really cool prologue. Like Audy said, this really can go anywhere. I just noticed a few little things while I was reading it: The sky ...

Hi zephion! This was a really cool beginning. The whole orphan thing has already been done a lot, but I liked that Gary wasn't the typical I-just-want-a-family orphan. I loved ...