*5 hours earlier*
“The exams are finally in Fire Land!” My mother squeals as she reads the newspaper.
“Seriously?” I ask sarcastically as I dig through the freezer. No way am I leaving home to go to the human world to study with a bunch of snobby kids, plus they’ll be Ice users, oh how I can’t stand Ice users.
“Come on, you should take it, it’ll be fun. This is a once in a three year chance, and in three years you won’t be able to go,” my mom tries to persuade me.
“No way, I don’t want to live with a bunch in rich kids for three years, and no doubt they’ll have an attitude,” I shrug.
“But it’ll be a great opportunity, please,” she begs, “I know you’re very smart and I’m positive you’d make it! Let’s see if Blaze wants to take it too, that way you won’t be alone there.” She suggests as she calls down my twin brother Blaze.
“Let her be, if she doesn’t want to do it she doesn’t have to. But just remember,” my dad looks at me, “if you don’t want to go to an elite school that costs thousands of dollars a year and get a higher education so that you’ll get an amazing job, go right ahead! But just don’t come running to us when you’re in a pinch,” he winks at my mom.
“You called for me Mother?” Blaze yawns as he pulls his shirt over his head.
“Get dressed in your own room, it’s painful to see your moobs so early in the morning,” I laugh as I pop two waffles into the toaster.
“Well at least I have boobs of some sort,” he laughs, grabbing his chest, “make some for me too please,” Blaze smiles as he takes a seat next to mom, reading what she’s pointing to in the newspaper.
“Kay,” I smile cheerfully, ignoring his remark on my small chest, I pull out another few waffles from the box and pop them into the four-slot toaster.
We all do our own things in the peaceful silence, music playing quietly from the stereo in the living room.
“The exams are here? When can I take them?” Blaze asks excitedly.
“It’s today only.” Mom says matter-of-factly.
“I don’t think I’ll do well on the written test, but I’m sure I’ll ace the element test.”
“Element test?” I ask suspiciously as I reach for the plates. I haven’t heard anything about element tests.
“Yea, we have to prove our skills for our element and do a weaknesses test. The weakness test is pretty much seeing how long we can stay in the cold, but that shouldn’t be a problem for us since we’re immune to the cold,” Blaze explains as he walks over and grabs a plate of waffles, drowning it in syrup.
“You’ll kill yourself if you keep that up,” dad warns but Blaze just shrugs.
“So sis, take the exam with me?” Blaze asks.
“Fine,” I sigh, “but just because I take it doesn’t mean I’ll go.”
“What time do they start?” Blaze asks as I look at the clock. 8:45am.
“10am, don’t worry, you guys have plenty of time.” Mom beams, glad that we’re going.
Blaze and I take a seat at the table and eat away, my mind going over all the things I’ve learned in the past 10 years.
As we walk into the high school I glance at Blaze, his face bright with excitement. To be honest I never want to leave home, I have the perfect family and an amazing brother that I get along with really well, and going to that stupid school will ruin everything. I won’t be able to wake up in the morning and greet mom and dad or jump on my brother’s bed to wake him up on holidays. We’ll make our own friends and gradually stop talking at each other and go our separate ways.
I don’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I won’t pass the exams, I want to make my parents proud.
http://www.wattpad.com/story/1589478-the-land-of-fire
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello,
So, here to review.
You put a lot of details into it, straight away, which is good as long as you have a very clear idea of what will happen next. The fact that you've mentioned the exams, for example, in the prologue says to me that they will be an important element of the story to come.
The whole present tense thing that you have going on, because it adds to the sense of conversation and because I find writing like that hard.
*follows wattpad thingy*
You also have a pretty cover
From what I have seen (in about two minutes) of what you posted on wattpad you should go back through and check for typos. By typos I mean things like 'jack's' should be 'Jack's,' simple punctuation errors that are probably typing related.
Reading the chapter titles, because I got curious, I noticed that they were all the same as that of the prologue (i.e X amount of time before). Now, opinions differ, but for me personally, prologues aren't quite the same as chapters. They're unrelated to the immediate content of the chapters but maybe they contain some crucial piece of information to the plot, such as the answer to riddle. Then the actual riddle crops up later, and after reading the book the reader notices that the answer was in the prologue all along and is all 'wow, I didn't see that coming.' For example.
There is a lot of detail you could go into though,
*goes back onto wattpad thing for a minute*
such as, what is the war about? that kind of thing? Background details that would add a lot of description. The following wiki link puts it very well; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prologue
So, in summary, I liked the overall idea of a fantasy world and exam and being sent off to boarding school, but I think you could add more detail and stuff - and your prologue could be a very useful tool to help you there,
Hoping this was helpful,
PM me if you like,
Annii
Hi neon!
One of the things that I jumped out at me while I was reading this was all of your dialogue tags. No one just "says" anything. The characters "ask excitedly" and "squeal" and "ask excitedly." While it's fine to occasionally use an adverb to emphasize a character's emotions, if you never use "said" it can be a little over the top.
Here's a really good reference post about using "said" that you might want to check out!
viewtopic.php?f=150&t=19450
I agree with Lycando. There isn't a lot of description here, of the setting or the characters or... well, anything. What do the characters look like? They obviously aren't human. Do they look different? Like, does everyone with the power to use the fire element have red hair, or red eyes, or hot skin? And what does the setting look like, if they aren't on Earth? This concept is really interesting, so let us know some more about the world that you're creating!
We don't get a very good sense of your main character's personality, either. All we know about her is that she's supposed to be very smart, she likes her brother, and she doesn't want to leave her home. We don't really get a sense of who she is as a person, though. It's her story, so let us get to know her better! This is only the first chapter, of course, but the reader should get a few more details.
This is really interesting. I like the concept of the exams, and I can't wait to find out more about the Fire Land. The part where she makes fun of Blaze's moobs made me laugh. It could use a few more details, of course, but that isn't too hard to fix. Overall, nice job! This is an intriguing beginning.
Hope I helped!
Magnus
Hello there! I'll be here to review your story!
"I don’t want to live with a bunch in rich kids for three years, and no doubt they’ll have an attitude,” I shrug."
I think you meant to say "bunch of rich kids"? Also "give me an attitude" may flow smoother than "have an attitude"
"positive you’d make it!"
You'd is usually used when something has already passed, not in this case when your character hasn't gone through the exams yet. You'll would probably fit better here.
Apart from the nitpicks, I didn't really get a clear picture of the background story behind this. Also you could have described Blaze a little bit more, other than he was the twin of your main character.
Now I really like the last paragraph, when the character gets sentimental and starts to treasure her family and life. It's things like this act as a cliffhanger, although it isn't that suspenseful, it leaves the reader longing for more.
Good job altogether! You have me hooked on this!