Chapter One
Morning had risen as I headed down the old path deep into the Digan Forest where the Easos Clan had recently migrated there for the winter season fast approaching. Even with my sight blocked by the large metal cast mask, I could feel everything as my magic constantly sent waves to replace my vision. A deep scowl decorated my face underneath the heavy metal as the memory of what happened that night began to prod at my barriers before I spun around in time to catch Mana who flung herself into a full body hug that made me chuckle.
"Happy Birthday, Hikaru!" She shouted as I struggled to maintain her weight on my own.
"Mana, you know not to run off!" A masculine voice scolds from behind both of us and I smirked slightly.
"Why not, Trian? It's not like you can't trust me?" I could imagine the redness creeping into his face as he begins to stammer.
"I didn't say that, my lady."
"Of course you wouldn't." My voice turned to ice as I glanced in his direction.
Mana hopped off of me. Taking tight hold of my hand and Trian's, she ran in direction of camp saying excitedly, "Come on! The leader has something for you, Hikaru!"
Now, I am surprised. While the clan leader had named me her successor just the year before, she had never given me anything for such occassions. Especially not on this day. Curiosity now peaked, I sped my pace to keep up with the excited magician.
Finally, we reached the encampment and the cheers of the Easos who spotted me could be heard. I ignored them in favor of facing Lady Hilina who motioned for me to follow saying, "Come, child. It is time for your destiny to begin."
I didn't bother questioning her about what destiny. It was pointless because it would be my duty to figure it out. Taking a tight hold of her robe sleeve I let her lead me through the crowd, my vision obscured by the magic swarming around the people.
"Lady, why now?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Because the time is right. Now stop pestering me about it." She commanded sternly as we entered her tent at the far end which also was the largest I knew from experience of wandering around it as a small child.
I waited patiently on the couch while resisting the persistant urge to fiddle with a lock of my straight ebony hair. Hearing the echoes of her footsteps as she returned, I turned my head to her direction.
"This present will take time to complete but I know you shall succeed." She mildly replied when I tilted my head in confusion as a box was placed in my hands with the lid open.
Running my fingers across the contents, I recognized the substance to be metal pieces. Puzzle pieces immediately came to mind when I touched the grooves and corners. I didn't bother to reply as I focused on the puzzle. Magic was pouring off of it and to most it would be frightening but the darkness which leeched into the air made me giddy with eagerness to solve it. From this day forth, I would not give up until this puzzle was solved.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Soulkana,
This was really interesting! Demeter already covered most of the major points, but there were a few more things that I noticed:
I'm not sure what you mean by this. First, I think you should write that he could "see everything," instead of "feel everything," since it sounds like the magic is only improving his vision and not his other senses. I don't really understand what you mean by the magic sending waves, either. Maybe add some more details so that the reader isn't as confused?
You mention this memory once, and then completely change the subject. Either introduce it later, when it will be more relevant, or give us some more hints about what this memory is and why it's so important.
This is one of the tense changes that Demeter mentioned. You switch from past tense to present tense with this sentence, and then back again. Pick one or the other and maintain it throughout the piece.
First, the character is confused and surprised about his leader's gift. Now, though, it sounds like he knows exactly what he's supposed to do. How?
There's a lot going on here, but very little description. We don't know what any of the people look like, or how this magic works, or even what the camp looks like. This is only the first chapter, of course. You don't have to cram every possible detail into this section, but some more description will help the reader picture what's happening.
I would also like to know more about how this magic works, and why the character is wearing a mask. Is everyone else? And what is the relationship between Mana and Trian? Is he her bodyguard, or husband, or what? This story was definitely interesting, but it left me with more questions than answers.
Hope this helps!
Magnus
Hey there, Soulkana!
So cool - I wonder what the puzzle is!
Overall, you use a nice balance of shorter and longer sentences, which makes the text run smoothly and nothing really sticks out. However, all the sentences in the opening paragraph are too long and contain too much information at once. The paragraph introduces many concepts: names, magic, appearances, memories, movements. The last sentence of the paragraph is the best example of this. It's quite overwhelming to receive so much at once while waiting for the sentence to end. I suggest you make the three sentences at least six.
Another thing you should pay attention to is the tense. Your story is in past tense, but especially in the beginning you accidentally slip in a few verbs in present.
I didn't quite understand... if the MC is now the leader, why is the previous leader still called "leader"? Or has the MC for some reason not become the leader yet? Also, I'm not sure what the "such occasions" refers to - "such" would mean that an occasion of sorts had been mentioned in the previous sentence, but this is not the case here.
You make this unnecessarily complicated for yourself and the readers. If this sentence was to be left like this, you should add commas around "who spotted me". But I think you could do without that bit and have "the cheers of the Easos could be heard". Or you could rewrite even more and have something like "Finally, we reached the encampment, and the Easos started cheering."
The quoted bit is not the only part where you use twenty words while five would suffice (an exaggeration, but still!). For example:
Couldn't you as well say "The substance felt like metal"? After all, that's the only thing that's important here. Be careful of this when writing - remember to take some time to consider whether something you're about to say is absolutely necessary, or whether you could go with something shorter and simpler.
The MC asked one question - it hardly seems like pestering.
One more thing: I think the ending sentence would be more powerful if you took out the "From this day forth". It doesn't seem that crucial, and the sentence would be more determined without it!
Hope this helps!
Demeter
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