Kaylyn

Loved your post, only the reason I am reading this one is because I have read them out of order. I hate doing that but yours was just too interesting ...

Wow, this is original. I found at the beginning you started alot, I mean alot, of sentances that began with she or Ebony. Change it up some, don't have Abony ...

Great job, although when you describe Heather I would suggest you show nat tell what she looks like. Ex. Showing- Her auburn hair swung as she walked. Telling- She had ...

Great story *applaudes* BUT.... yes here it comes. You need to cut down the number of I's your using. You had more sentances starting with I than not. Just something ...

Wow, great chapter, though I think you should change this part: [quote] She sat on the bed, staring at nothing in particular, drowning in an ocean of her own boredom. ...

I loved the story, it was great. Yes, I did find it confusing in some places but it was very good. Believe me when I saw that your missing nothing ...

I like the beginning it demanded my attention, right now I am in a vampire phase (because of Twilight) so i look for vampire novels wherever I can. You have ...

Okay I hate to say it, to repeat it, since I get angry when others accused me of it, right now IT SEEMS LIKE TWILIGHT!!! But you could, like me ...

Okay here goes. I don't mean to sound harsh in any way. I agree with Bickazer, I could see this being on an animated show or even a comic book. ...

I really like what you have got. Its a totally original idea. I hope you continue with it because well, I hate cliffhangers. I didn't find any mistakes that jumped ...

Okay, I found it a bit confusing. Describe everything in a bit more detail. Also it sounds well unrealistic for Alan to be sleepy and then suddenly jump up ready ...

Your character Leo is interesting, it sounds really good. I couldn't see any grammatical mistakes that jumped out at me. There is detail, which is good. I hope you keep ...

This is a great story so far. I like what you have anf I hope you keep going with it. Please, PM me when you put more of this story ...

Okay here goes: Jeff did not speak to me. He stood a safe distance away, holding his rifle, with his back to his prisoner. I studied him impassively, trying not ...

Wow, what a way to end chapter. You didn't have any mistakes that just stood out, and besides I generally don't go over spelling mistakes. This is a great beginning ...