KJ

While I think this piece has a lot of potential, it needs some work. Way less telling, much mroe showing, please. Your sentence structure is jerky and abrupt. I couldn't ...

Hey Ash. What's really funny is that I started reading this and it wasn't until partway into it that I realized YOU'RE the author! (tee-hee) Anyway, I really enjoyed this. ...

As I said to you before, Ash, I love this story. I hope you continue it, and it would be truly wonderful and amazing if you finished it. So get ...

Hey Ash. I can see you've got a fanbase of your own, what are you talking about? :) So I have decided to bother you until you WRITE MORE. I ...

Hey, it's KJ. Here at your request and by an honorary sense of obligation since you have done the same for me :) NITPICKS: “I requested that he leave . ...

Since I really didn't want to take on the nitpicks for this piece - there would be many - I'm just going to give you some general advice. Work on ...

This beginning, quite honestly, is too cliche. We've seen the fairy tales, we've read this before. Even the idea of a rebellious princess has been done - several times. To ...

Okay, I did like it, but the ending I found troubling. All that ran through my mildly annoyed mind was WHY. WHY did she just jump up and kiss him? ...

Hi. Since you don't want nitpicks (and you've already had more than enough) I'll just add this: I think your intro could use some work. While I do enjoy stories ...

All of you poor Inconcessus readers: I've seen this baby up to over half the manuscript! Ha! Sorry. Just wanted to have a moment to immaturely gloat. But this story ...

Okay. So I printed off and read all your chapters, as promised. Sorry it took me so long, but you were warned! :wink: Now, I pondered on whether I should ...

Hey Ash. As I said to you before, I love the actual writing. There are some flaws, of course, just like any beginning. A FEW NITPICKS: The carriage came to ...

The wind tosses the traces back toward his teammates. As others pointed out, traces of what? This was short and pointless. You began the story, sure, but left if completely ...

On an evening as dark as soot and as chilled as death, two men were walking down the road. They were haggard, with [ Wearing would be better than with ...

A brother and sister stood out in their front yard. The leaves quivered at the wind’s mercy as winds blew [You say winds twice in this sentence - try to ...