Young Writers Society

I did not read all the reviews, but I don't think there is too much more I can add. But what I liked about this prologue (yup, I loved it), was the way you used the perspective.

Some people may not understand the point with the cats, since you start the whole thing as if the boy is to get eaten, But if you think about it, it's his perspective, and by all means, a 9 year old could easily feel that 4 cats could eat him.
In reality, it seems to me that it is his fear, not the actual danger, that makes him attack the cats.

So, if I got this straight, you're making it unclear on purpose. HIS fear makes him kill the cats, the cats probably would've tried to kill him, but they would not manage to do so. After all, they are normal cats, unable to actually do any real damage if the kid just runs. But I think this prologue is not about the fight or the cats, but the boy. Like in Batman. He falls into a well, where he is scared by the bats. Therefore, he suits up like a bat, since that is his greatest fear.

I think that his innocent, although violent behaviour, shoud be further implemented into the rest of the story. That would make the prologue fit perfectly.
I don't really know, but that Is what I felt while reading. Maybe I am right :3

Anyways, I found this prologue intriguing, exciting, but at the same time it has more of a "poetic" meaning than it has a physical meaning (that probably didn't make sense, but what I mean is that it is more of a "symbolic" prologue).

(oh god, this was not a review, but more a ramble about my thoughts about it... Wait, that is the definition of a review... Hehe, never mind my stupid rambling here... And I'm still rambling. Ugh, whatever. Seeya)

Thanks for writing it, and I'm looking forward to more.

Love, Bob Walker

Hello! First of i'd like too say that it was a little confusing, however, I really enjoyed it.
I'm not all that qualified yet to be criticizing, but the few things I thought you should look over are
1. Your general grammar, but everyone has already commented on that
2. Your spacing is kind of weird. Look at the topics of paragraphs and make sure it flows

Besides that it loooks really good, please continue!!!

Not a big fan of cats, are ya? What will his mother say about four dead cats in a chest?! But, a good prologue nonetheless!

Forever Threnody wrote:Prologue
Luke balled himself up in the cellar corner waiting for her to return. he quickly shone a flashlight beam around the shadowy basement, as was his ritual to do so about every couple of minutes to see if they were still there watching him. And of course they still did. He sniffled a bit but was afraid to cry in front of them. That was about as much pride as he still possessed. Still, once again, he shone the faint beam around the room. 5 black mounds looked up at him with great green eyes. The largest animal began sizing the boy up. All of them reeked an aura of a gaunt, homicidal, old man about to be shipped off to an insane asylum. Luke absolutely hated those creatures called cats. They were originally supposed to pose as “protectors”, of his mother’s choice. A dog may have been different. A wonderful, loyal dog who wouldn’t even bare it’s fangs at a small, helpless 9 year old boy, but instead defend him against potential evil doers (preferably cats). Yeah right. Luke was stuck with deranged felines who wouldn’t pause to think twice before they chewed him to pieces.
Of course they used to be nice kitties. Normal, affectionate lap-cats. The kind that kept you warm in bed by sleeping against your feet, and the kind that would rub against your legs. Slowly they began to, like milk, turn sour. What was worse was that Luke’s single-mother never noticed a thing. The cats took out all their hatred, malice, and dirt on him. To his mother they were angels. To Luke they were devils.
Eventually Luke began to tire of his squatting position against a hard, stone basement wall and shifted a bit. A cat growled. Then, against his better instincts, Luke made up his mind to attempt a break from this basement prison. ( All he had done was go down to fetch a can of peaches, when they cornered him!) He slipped through the dark, and it was so far, so good. Until, he creaked open the door to the upstairs. To the heaven salvation. 5 cats materialized around him. It was go out and get ripped to shreds, or stay downstairs and get ripped to shreds. A lose-lose situation. The biggest one, obviously the alpha-cat leapt gracefully in front of him. It’s name was Snookums. A sickening name for a sickening cat. It’s claws were like shivs. The recently sharpened kind. All 4 cats also slithered out their retractable claws to aid Snookums in “little boy maiming”. All five cats orbited him like NASA satellites around planet Earth. Luke dashed out the door, a vengeful plan blooming in his mind. Snookums caught his arm and was able to slice a nice, thin line down it. Luke ignored the pain and grabbed the fire poker from the fireplace. He began whirling it in front of him. With the poker twirling he backed into the basement. Not purposely but forced by undaunted cats. Adrenaline surged and he swung out at the nearest cat. The poker caught it on the skull and killed it upon contact. Luke maniacally slaughtered 3 more cats in this manner. Snookums was left untouched and not even a little bit frightened now. Snookums dared Luke to come closer. Luke obliged and swung his weapon around with such force that it caught the cat’s tensed tail and mangled it. Now the caught was in pain and scared. As the cat raced through the door to escape. Luke slammed the door on it. They were all dead and the basement was noiseless. Luke carried the bodies into the back of the basement and stuffed them into an unused chest. He covered that chest with boxes. With those boxes he placed the bloodstained poker.
Luke was only 9 when he massacred these cats. He was not well versed on the concept of death. Realization struck when he found out that these terrors were not coming back. It’s a shame he forgot to pray to God that it stayed like that.

I found this confusing, are they real cats or figments of his imagination?

The way they "materialize" and "Orbit" makes them seem like they are imaginary or ghosts, but he kills them with a real fire poker. Is it meant to be a dream?

Luke maniacally slaughtered 3 more cats in this manner

Yes, I love cats. Don't get me wrong. This story was inspired by a poem that I read. I changed it a bunch, but the main idea remains the same.

Morbid poem...

But yes, the cats weren't exactly the greatest to have around you realize...

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Well, your vocabulary provided me with a lot of mental images about what was happening. Your grammar is kind of sketchy, though. I didn't particularly favor this story, because I love animals and can't stand to read about cat slaughterings. But that's just me. If it were non-fiction, I would probably be crying right now. Good ending, though.

Since I really didn't want to take on the nitpicks for this piece - there would be many - I'm just going to give you some general advice. Work on your punctuation and sentence structure. There was a lot of typos (like not capitalizing or use of comma), and the entire thing was just jerky. I would suggest either rewriting this completely or changing it drastically so that the story actually has a feeling to it, there's a good flow, and a sense of plot and character development.

Your MC's voice is all over the place. I didn't know whether he was sickened by what he'd done, or that he is only obsessed with the, uh, killing. While I did (oddly enough) enjoy the idea you have here, it could be much better. Oh, and as someone stated above, its and it's are two completely different words. Spell out the numbers, as well.


The setting. I did like the basement descriptions. But I think you could change the hook to something better. You can do it, since you clearly have a great imagination. Just work on it. Oh, and assuming "her" is his mother, where did she go, how was he suddenly trapped in a basement with a buttload of cats, and why were all of them attacking him? The whole can-of-peaches thing in parenthesis was badly done - that needs work, also. Get rid of all the exclamation points, too. Honestly I hate those things.

And even though I don't want to be all negative here, I also did not like how one of the cat's names was... Snookums, I think? That took away from the moment. Stick to describing the cats' glowing eyes, their sharp claws, the boy's emotions. Describe the atmosphere. It kind of seemed like his weapon came out of nowhere. I mean, there was randomly just a poker? (Or whatever it was he used.)

One last thing: The ending. The very last paragraph to be exact. Something about him praying to God or not praying to God. The point is, I didn't understand it. It was worded oddly, and the meaning was lost to me. Maybe it is just me, but I think that could use some modifications, too.

Well, that's all I have for now. Good luck with it, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

KJ

Thanks everyone so much. I haven't gotten around to editing it yet, but when I do I'll definitely use some of your ideas.

Sparrow>>>> He does not have an "irrational" fear. As said in my story, he has a perfectly good reason to fear them.

Read it again more carefully and you'll see.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Well, that was.. interesting. I was pretty confused at the beginning. If I were you I would make the story more clear. Maybe you could explain more of why this boy has an irrational fear of cats.

I started really getting into the story during the second to last paragraph. It was very intense, descriptive and imaginative. Keep writing!

Luke balled himself up in the cellar corner waiting for her [s]to[/s] return. He [s]quickly shone a flashlight beam[/s]shone a flashlight around the shadowy basement[s], as was his ritual to do so about every couple of minutes. [s]to see if they were still there watching him[/s]. [s]And of course they still did[/s]They were watching. He sniffled a bit but was afraid to cry [s]in front of them[/s]. That was about as much pride as he still possessed. Still, once again, he shone the faint beam around the room. 5 black mounds looked up at him with great green eyes.

The largest animal [s]began sizing[/s]sized the boy up. All of them reeked an aura of a gaunt, homicidal, old man about to be shipped off to an insane asylum. Luke absolutely hated those creatures called cats. They were originally supposed to pose as “protectors”, of his mother’s choice. A dog may have been different. A wonderful, loyal dog who wouldn’t even bare [s]it’s[/s]its fangs at a small, helpless, 9 year old boy, but instead defend him against potential evil doers (preferably cats). Yeah right. Luke was stuck with deranged felines who wouldn’t pause to think twice before they chewed him to pieces.

[s]Of course[/s] They used to be nice kitties: normal, affectionate lap-cats. They were the kind that kept you warm [s]in bed[/s] by sleeping against your feet, [s]and[/s] the kind that would rub against your legs. Slowly they began to, [s]like milk, turn sour[/s]turn sour, like milk. What was worse was that Luke’s [s]single-[/s]mother never noticed [s]a thing[/s]. The cats took out all their hatred, malice, and dirt on him. To his mother, they were angels. To Luke, they were devils.

[s]Eventually Luke began to tire of his squatting position[/s]Luke tired of squatting against [s]a[/s]the hard, stone basement wall and shifted [s]a bit[/s]. A cat growled. [s]Then,[/s] Against his better instincts, Luke made up his mind to attempt a break from this basement prison. [s]( All he had done was go down to fetch a can of peaches, when they cornered him!)[/s] He slipped through the dark, so far, so good. [s]Until,[/s] He creaked open the upstairs door [s]to the upstairs. To the[/s]to heavenly salvation.

[s]5[/s]Five cats materialized around him. It was go out and get ripped to shreds, or stay downstairs and get ripped to shreds. A lose-lose situation. The big[s]gest[/s] one[s], obviously the alpha-cat[/s] leapt gracefully in front of him. Snookums, a sickening name for a sickening cat. It’s claws were like shivs(What are shivs?). The recently sharpened kind. All four other cats' claws shot out. It was little boy maiming time. [s]also slithered out their retractable claws to aid Snookums in “little boy maiming”.[/s]

[s]All five cats orbited him like NASA satellites around planet Earth.[/s](you're in the middle of an action sequence, don't ruin it with a simile. Use short, sharp, pungent sentences to keep the tension high) Luke dashed out the door, a vengeful plan blooming in his mind. Snookums sliced his arm[s]caught his arm and was able to slice a nice, thin line down it.[/s] Luke ignored the pain and grabbed the fire poker from the fireplace. He whirled it around[s]began whirling it in front of him. With the poker twirling he backed into the basement. Not purposely but forced by undaunted cats.[/s] Adrenaline surged and he swung [s]out[/s] at the nearest cat. The poker [s]caught it on the skull and killed it upon contact[/s]crushed its skull. Luke mani[s]a[/s]cally slaughtered three more[s]3 more cats in this manner.[/s] Snookums was [s]left untouched and not even a little bit frightened now. Snookums[/s]untouched and dared Luke to come closer. Luke [s]obliged and[/s] swung his weapon around with such force that it caught the cat’s tensed tail and mangled it. [s]Now the caught was in pain and scared.[/s] The cat raced through the door to escape. Luke slammed the door on it. [s]They were all dead and the basement was noiseless.[/s]Dead.

Luke carried the bodies and poker into the back of the basement. He stuffed them into an unused chest and covered it with boxes, never to be seen again.[s]and stuffed them into an unused chest. He covered that chest with boxes. With those boxes he placed the bloodstained poker.[/s]

This paragraph is quite large and needs to be split up. It will be hard for a reader to maintain their place, and it will be intimidating to look at, especially in the opening of your narrative.

Many unnecessary words. This paragraph has tons of action, and you're cluttering it up with passive voice, metaphor and long, flowing sentences. Your story is very original! Milk your material for all it's worth Be concise! Use an active voice, especially for action.

[s]Luke was only 9 when he massacred these cats. He was not well versed on the concept of death. Realization struck when he found out that these terrors were not coming back. It’s a shame he forgot to pray to God that it stayed like that.[/s]

Well, it was an interesting story at the least. There were certain grammatical errors that can confuse the reader a bit. And certain word misplacement's, but i would not worry, everybody does it an example being "Now the caught was in pain and scared." I think you meant Cat, but maybe I simply misunderstood?

The idea was interesting, but i don't really see a point to the story..Is it meant to turn into a book, or a short story? I would definitely add some better background info, along with an extended ending? It leaves the reader hanging, is it supposed to set up a zombie cat story?

But i hope i helped you!
Have a nice day/night!

Haha. Well it was quite interesting that Luke put the deceased cats in a chest, and just left them there xD
Anyways,
Good writing. I personally like the way you used the vocabulary that you picked, and the way you wrote actually brought a picture to my mind (little Luke killing the cats with a fire poker xP) Keep writing you can get somewhere.

Alright I made a bunch of edits and my thoughts are at the bottom.

he quickly shone a flashlight beam around the shadowy basement, as was his ritual to do so about every couple of minutes to see if they were still there, watching him.

And of course they still did.

5 black mounds looked up at him with great green eyes.

he kind that kept you warm in bed by sleeping against your feet, and the kind that would rub against your legs.

Slowly they began to, like milk, turn sour.

( All he had done was go down to fetch a can of peaches, when they cornered him!)

He slipped through the dark and it was so far, so good. Until, he creaked open the door to the upstairs. To the heaven salvation. 5 cats materialized around him. It was go out and get ripped to shreds, or stay downstairs and get ripped to shreds.

“little boy maiming”.

Snookums was left untouched and not even a little bit frightened now.

Snookums dared Luke to come closer.

Now the caught was in pain and scared. As the cat raced through the door to escape. Luke slammed the door on it.

em, that was truly interesting. you've got a moderate vocabulary and a good understanding of grammar, but you didnt give much away. it was quite good, though, so keep going.

Well then... ok that didn't really make any sence what so ever. I did enjoy reading it though... at least until it came to an end. It was exciting I guess. Of course, you need a little bit of work on your grammer but don't forget, the more you write, the better you get at it.