Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Iraelle, there was a princess. Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee. She was exceedingly beautiful. From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land. She had long golden locks of stunning blonde hair. Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes. To top it all off, she had a bewitching smile. Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy.

"Jade, come play with your dollies!" Queen Muzime said to her beautiful daughter.

Jade shook her head.

"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.

"No. I want to play with other toys." Jade commanded.

"Alright then sweetie." The Queen spoke with a tiny hint of nervousness.

The Queen had always wanted a little princess to pamper... but her daughter was not girly. Not one bit. The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly. Princesses were supposed to be girly and elegant. They could never get Jade away from the toy weapons she made. Jade was particularly fond of a sling shot she built herself out of sticks and rope. Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums. By the time she was 7 years old, both of Jade's parents were extremely worried. Jade would often run away into the woods and pretend she was a knight in shining armor preparing for battle. Her parents would try to stop her, but Jade always found a way to sneak out. Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

Hello.

I like the idea, of the steriotypical Pirncess, is not so in this story.It makes it more fantasising, and makes you want to read on, considering there are more cliff hangers.

I really like the idea that you are making her a tom boy, because now you have created a handful of problems, of which the family would have to face.well done.

i thought it was good really good. great description and marvelous emotional revealing in the words. you really painted a picture inside of my mind of a beautiful young princess in some torn jeans and a t-shirt. you are a very good mental artist and in that piece i saw much potential. there is, however, one thing that i would change. i would suggest you to not start out with a once upon a time. but hey. that's just my thing. i like to start out describing what the surroundings are and trying to create a movie inside the readers head so that they can actually be there in there mind and body. that can also intrigue them enough to read more and more and more. but other than that you did a marvelous job.

Hello sparrowrules!

I want to say that your story seems like a children's story. If that's what you're going for then that's really great! But anyway, the reason I think it's a children's story is because you seem to only be using simple sentences. It can get a little repetitive/choppy and the reader's attention may start to waver.

Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee.

... Queen Muzime...

"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.

To tell the truth I think it is very cliche.The vocabular and imaginitive is horrible, and frankly the idea sounds a bit used. But, your writing does have promise and we all need practice.

To tell the truth I think it is very cliche.The vocabular and imaginitive is horrible, and frankly the idea sounds a bit used. But, your writing does have promise and we all need practice. So, keep writing it and prove me wrong

I'm not trying to be overly harsh. I'm just telling you my honest opinion.

I'M interested in seeing where you take this, it looks like even though its starts off like a traditional fairy tale your going to take it in a completely different direction and i think I'd like to see that. I'm all for the strong independent female thing. though i do have to agree with some of the other reviewers, I do hope you go into more depth with this as the story progresses, it would be nice to see inside Jades head.

Hey Sparrow ^^ Shina here! I'll be your reviewer today

The idea here is really nice. Fairy tale twist indeed! I wasn't expecting her to be a tomboy xD

The only problem I'm having with this is the fact that you just tell the reader. An important rule of writing is to show and not tell You need to paint a a picture using imagery and descriptions requiring the five senses. Describe rather than say "this is beautiful" "this is solemn" (not that you actually said it like that). We all have different views on the world, so what you think is solemn could be someone's view of crazy and we'd never know. If you think something is beautiful, someone else could think they're ugly. It's up to the reader to decide the label on the person and it's up to the writer to give all the necessary clues that lead up to that thought. Your descriptions could've been written by a middle school student who just read Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella and wanted to try out fairy tales.

Take my suggestions in a good way ^^ I only want you to improve!

Shina

Hey Sparrowrules! I'm June, and I'm going to run over this for you.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Iraelle, there was a princess. Her name was Princess Jade Muzimee.[s] She was exceedingly beautiful.[/s] From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land.

She had long, golden locks of [s]stunning[/s] blonde hair. Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes. To top it all off, she had a bewitching smile. Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy.

The Queen had always wanted a little princess to pamper...(switch that ellipsis for a comma, dear) but her daughter was not girly. Not one bit. The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly. Princesses were supposed to be girly and elegant. They could never get Jade away from the toy weapons she made. Jade was particularly fond of a sling shot she built herself out of sticks and rope. Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums. By the time she was 7 years old, both of Jade's parents were extremely worried. Jade would often run away into the woods and pretend she was a knight in shining armor preparing for battle. Her parents would try to stop her, but Jade always found a way to sneak out. Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

This beginning, quite honestly, is too cliche. We've seen the fairy tales, we've read this before. Even the idea of a rebellious princess has been done - several times. To make this original and worth while to read, I think you need to revamp it entirely. Begin it in a way that is utterly unique, and perhaps change the setting itself. Does she have to be a princess? Maybe she could be a chamber maid, or just a duke's daughter.

But if you do keep the royalty-theme, then it's got to be twisted around, as you yourself stated in the note before the story. I currently don't have any specific ideas on how you could do this, but you're a writer, and you've obviously got an imagination, so put it to good use

One more thing. Your punctuation. Dialogue should look like this: "I can't," she said. NOT like this: "I can't." She said.

Good luck with your writing. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

KJ

I'm liking the fairytale writing- there's something about that style that always makes me smile I think this is a good start- I hope you write more! Anyway, on with the review

From the moment she was born she was proclaimed the most angelic child in the land. She had long golden locks of stunning blonde hair.

Her gorgeous cheekbones outlined her big, round, dazzling blue eyes.

Her parents spoiled her rotten but by the time she was three, they noticed she was quite a tomboy

"Please? I want you to play with me." Her mother replied solemnly.

"No. I want to play with other toys." Jade commanded.

The King and Queen were very nervous that Jade would never get married off properly.

Jade refused to wear skirts. And when they made her wear them, she threw enormous temper tantrums.

Jade had one friend, Derek, and she would always play with him.

its sounds cute so far, i like it:D. Just some some constructive criticism, i hope that you eventually go into depth of the story to a scene where you elaborate and take us with you on. i assume that your justing getting us to that point, but i'm not sure.lol so, keep it up!