KJ

Has a lot of potential :) I would suggest somehow separating the three paragraphs in a more obvious way. Perhaps insert a few of these between each, so we know ...

Very interesting. I like the imagination, and I think that this has a ton of potential. One of my suggestions for change, however, is the dialogue. I mean, these teenagers ...

Hey ATreeah. So I finally got around to taking a look at some of your work. While I do think the storyline is interesting, and it has a lot of ...

First off - though I feel bad beginning this with negative comments - your sentence structure was awful. All over the place. The first thing I would suggest working on ...

CHAPTER ELEVEN: All I can think of the say at this a.m. hour is that I'm glad the plot is thickening - it was getting a little boring there :) ...

CHAPTER NINE: I find that Carmen's behavior is WAY too inconsistent. He pushes Sophia towards Isaac, then is pissed when she responds to him. And it happens al over again. ...

CHAPTER THREE: I don't know if I'm tired or your writing is already improving, but I didn't find much in this one. Just try to avoid repetition, and you need ...

CHAPTER ONE: Okay, so a few problems with this one. First, your MC's emotions are all over the place. I mean, I know that's how us humans are, but the ...

CHAPTER TWO: I don't understand why Sophia gets in such big trouble. She didn't even DO anything. You should explain this better. Oh, and something I forgot to mention last ...

So you know I edited all of this on the actual manuscript, but want to get a least a FEW points for all that work, so I'll just post my ...

Hey Ash. I guess I don't really have any real critiques to make, just a few suggestions. I didn't really like your beginning. The whole 'exposed toes' gave the story ...

WARNING to Luccy: I am going to be extremely nitpicky, considering I'm in the mood. So WATCH OUT! Chapter One Another tragic car crash was splashed across the headlines of ...

Okay, okay... I SKIMMED! Shut up, you know-it-all. So this was what I found. There were a few other things, but I was too lazy to do it all. Shut ...

[ i]William[/i] How could she not think that I wouldn’t follow her? [This doesn't exactly make sense, since when we're in her point of view, she doesn't even seem to ...

Renesme (I know that's not how you spell it but I'm too lazy to go look) seems much more confident in the book. I mean, I know this is fanfiction, ...