Izzye

this is good, a really interesting idea, I look forward to seeing what you do with it. One thing I did notice is that you use Arial's name a lot, ...

This works really well with the style you've chosen, it flows nicely and I really like the last two lines. Two little minor things I thought you could improve; the ...

This is good, it flows nicely and rhymes well which is something I personally find to be extraordinarily hard to well done for that. I guess my only criticism is ...

This is good, it really has potential to be a great novel. Only one criticism, you could do with some sort of breaker between scenes, it was a little confusing. ...

You seem to have a problem with tenses, you change very fast between present and past in the beginning and I think you do need to pick one and stick ...

This is really good for someone who supposedly doesn't write poetry. Personally I think that poetry and fiction are pretty close, especially when it's in this sort of form. Just ...