Published October 17, 2010
He was everything to me.
He made me feel perfectly free.
Now he’s gone, no longer here.
And I have everything to fear.
When we talk, he’s someone I don’t know
It’s like I’m now his foe.
We promised to be best friends ‘til the end
And our words would never bend.
But I guess all good things end.
I must now learn to fend for myself once again.
Here in this world with nothing to loose
But friendship and my newly found muse.
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This is good, it flows nicely and rhymes well which is something I personally find to be extraordinarily hard to well done for that. I guess my only criticism is the first line of the last verse; the use of end feels too repetitive considering you used it at the end very recently, and it also doesn't rhyme with the next line. Alternatively, change the last line of the second verse as that rhyme does sound a bit forced and unnatural. Other than that, well done, it's a good poem.
Hello! Here as promised!! Ok, so, this s like a situation I'm caught in right now acculy... Okay, so, to business!
First of, I like the theme, I like how at first you write as if you were with this person and they just up and left. Then you go to how there really still there, but its not the them you knew, there differant...
My main problem with this is that the rhyme seems to forced, I personaly think that this may work just fine without a rhyme scheme, but, if you indeed want one, then I suggest that you fix it up a bit because know reading this I trip up on the rhyme...
Also, a few of the things you said are kind of commom, I'm not sure if this should be changed or not... Just wanted to let you know. You have to be careful not to use too many commonly used ideas. Here I think it is okay though.
Other then taht this is a really great poem. I think thought that you could expand on this if you wanted to, not that you need to, just that you could...
So, thats about it, I love the first line in the second stanza, its by far my favorite.
Hope this helps,
~Rain~
Good rhyming.
Love the simplicity of it.
It's short but too the point. I would suggest adding to it, but that's only my opinion.
Like the last line best, and I like the feelings you make appear in the reader of sympathy.
Great poem.
Happy Writing.
Hey Dannie
I really loved this poem. The flow is great, the vocabulary is rich and the rhymes don't seem forced. I can relate to this a lot but I love that you kept it open, that you didn't force the story on us. Of course, you keep the outline but this permits us to link it to things we know interpret it. It makes it more close to us, and that much enjoyable.
Keep writing!
-Truth-
This is very well written. Thank you for using punctuation! There are so many people who seem to forget about it...I love the poem's flow. Great job and keep up the good work!