Hippie

I read the first one in the car while my brother and sister had a movie going and there was music on and didn't like it a lot. I re-read ...

I love that last part you said about the main characters not being safe. It's so annoying when you can pick out who's going to survive and die from the ...

Hi Roach. There were some good things, and some bad things about this. Let's start with the good things :D You write with good clarity. There was never a time ...

Don't beat yourself up. It's actually pretty good. As Silenced Hope said, there's a bit of a jump since the last chapter. I don't think this is a bad thing, ...

In this chapter I think you've nailed John's personality. I wasn't quite sure what to make of him in chapter one, but now I can see what he's like, and ...

This is obviously the homiest looking house on the block, When I first read this I thought it said horniest house. And I thought, what wonderful characterisation. In one line ...

Good job introducing the conflict. So there's a love triangle just cropped up, and she didn't really seem to want to marry John, which makes me wonder why. Its a ...

One of the first things I noticed was how you describe the setting. Not only was it vivid, but it seemed to mirror her emotions. That's a very powerful thing, ...

Hi IR. This is better than chapter 2. a room like nothing none other he had ever seen. Double negative. The ground on which he stood was brown, and smooth, ...

Brilliant writing. Crummy formatting. Split up the middle paragraph into two or three paragraphs and it'll be easier to read. It looks like your italics didn't work, so you might ...

Here we go... When Jack was first introduced, it was unclear that he was watching it on TV. I thought he must have been one of the senators until you ...

It sounds like you've got a lot to say, which is important in writing (of course). I understand the message you're trying to give, but I think it could be ...

Hi Blackwings. Firstly, paragraphs. It's so much easier to read when everything's set out nicely. Great title. I saw it and straight away thought, now that sounds interesting . What ...

Hey there. For this story's shortness, you've sure packed a lot of emotion in :D I could hear the growl of its breaths, and smell the fear of Kayla's heart. ...

Like Suzanne said, it's hard to judge by these few paragraphs. More to the point than are you a good writer, is are you willing to be a good writer. ...