Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
I knew it was there. I knew from the crunch, crunching sound of dead leaves. I knew, but couldn't see. I looked to Kayla, then back to the forest, and back again to Kayla. Her brown eyes met mine, and I could see her thoughts. See what she was going to do. My eyes widened, and I opened my mouth to stop her. opened, then closed. I couldn't say anything. My fear for her safety silenced me. And my love for her opened my eyes. I could see now. See the creature-whatever it was- the creature lurking behind the trees. I could hear the growl of its breaths, and smell the fear of Kayla's heart. The creature growled again. A low, rumbling sound. Like that of a far off waterfall.
Hmm well I think this is meant to be something of an extract from the explanation that you have there at the start and I honestly don't quite know what to make of this opening. There is some meaning here but perhaps its just me but there seems to be a few lines that just sort of end up going nowhere and seem to serve to only make this paragraph look longer. Its a little bit of a tangle like you had one vision when you began this paragraph and ended it having an entirely different vision in mind. As a result we get an idea of some tension here but its so hidden by the other issues that we end up not really spotting it.
Then Kayla began walking, walking towards the black forest. She knew that she was heading for a certain death. And I knew that she knew. The wind came towards me, and I heard its secrets. It told me that the creature was hungry, hungry for us. My heart exploded with my love for Kayla. I ran, ran towards the woods. Forever getting closer, closer, closer still. I hear Kayla's scream from behind me as I ran into the blackness. I felt the sudden, but quick stabbing pain. The pain of death. I could smell my own blood and hear the creature's crunching, crunching my bones. I hear Kayla's screams. And for one second her face flashed before me. Then another pain. The pain of death.
This paragraph hits a lot harder I think. Free from the slight confusion the other one ended up tangled in you manage to create a rather powerful effect here. That echoing feel of it all slowly descending towards horror there and the way you built it up right from the start of the paragraph until it seems to just hit a solid wall of pain towards the end is really nicely constructed. I think this then ends up working significantly better than the opening paragraph did. So overall, a pretty powerful piece here. Perhaps the first paragraph could do with a rewrite and some slightly clearer intentions behind it but for the most part its short and it hits home on what it sets out to do.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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