Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
When Firecrow, arrived at the Taku Island meeting with Eve, Bulls Eye and Myakka, a sense of uneasiness was upon them. People stared at them as though they were devilish fiends and foes of the good. “Father, why are these people staring at us?” young Eve asked. “I do not know daughter yet these wandering eyes are a feeling if uncertainty.” Her father responded wanting to know the same thing. Myakka was the first to figure it out. Eve had in her hairpiece with three gems on it. A sign that war would surely follow to the Helion tribe yet to the Ankh this was a sign of royalty. “People know so little about there neighbors culture.” She said to her husband. Firecrow had understood his wife and had his daughter take off her hairpiece. Yet the seeming increasing eyes continued to give the family the same feeling. As they made their way up the palace stairway, a young girl fell to her knees in front of them begging her to forgive her. “Senor, Senora, tu hija femenino sustantivo suicidarse!” Which translated meant “sir, ma’am, your daughter will kill oneself!” Firecrow understood it, even though Myakka and Eve didn’t. “¿a quién te refieres? - ¿a mí?” Firecrow addressed to the little girl while smiling at his wife. “si” was the little girls response. “El tiempo lo dirá ha surgido algo” “adios!” “coloquial ¿y eso?;” Then the conversation between the Spaniard and firecrow ended when two guards brought the family inside the palace to their quarters. They unpacked and went down to eat a nice warm meal of hare, and corn. At dinner Myakka asked Firecrow what the girl said. Firecrow knew he couldn’t tell her the truth knowing that it would break her heart. “she wished us a good time inside the palace and to forgive her if the beds were not perfect. I asked her why she said this and she said that she was the one who made our beds and if they were not made perfectly she would be severely punished.” Myakka could tell he was lying but said nothing. She knew whatever the little girl had said it was going to harm her or hurt her feelings severely. She let the subject slip. ‘was her husband hiding something from her? was this message some sort of love message from the girl to him. Did something go wrong? Or was he telling the truth? Only time will tell, el tiempo lo dirá.
Okay...well before I dive too deep into the story here I do have to start things out by saying that you could perhaps benefit a bit here from breaking this into paragraphs. As it stands at the moment it's all been bunched up into one big wall of text and this is really hampering the reading process here, especially because the flow of the piece isn't the greatest either. A few paragraphs could definitely change that.
That little issue aside I did like the way things were structured here. There's a ever present sense in there that something isn't quite right and I think that goes a long way towards making us want to keep reading here and also makes us curious about what could possibly come next.
I think you've done a solid job in establishing this storyline here. The characters are perhaps a little on the vaguer side than they should but otherwise we've got some solid dialogue and enough going on for us to get a good idea of what's happening and be worried for this person. I'd only suggest you perhaps introduce these characters just a tad bit more so that we're slightly more invested to begin with.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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