Heidigirl666

It's not young adult, but have you ever read the Charlie Parker books by John Conolly? They're kind of crime/horror and really creepy. Basically Charlie Parker is a private dectective; ...

I like this, however, there are a few parts which don't quite fit in tone with the rest of it. Stanza three is too casual, and just doesn't sound right. ...

Wow. I really liked this, apart from the second stanza doesn't quite fit in rhythm with the rest of it. The last line of the third stanza doesn't fit either. ...

I like this; it's a good short, strong piece, however, there are a few irrelevant passages and some repetition. For example, you don't need to say his steps were uneven ...

I only scanned over this, but one thing I did notice is that it's a little repetative, especially at the beginning. For example, here: Across the ocean, a fire descended ...

Ooh. Weird. :D I was a little puzzled by the migraine thing; I have migraines, my dad has migraines, and I know tonnes of other people with migraines, and they ...

Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. :wink: You particularly need to put a lot of commas in. Remember, as I recently pointed out to someone else, commas are your friend. :wink: They help ...

I thought this was pretty good, but it confused me a little at the end. Have some suggestions too; punctuation is what mostly lets you down: and bright incandescence flashes. ...

I can only say one thing: Infodumping. :shock: Having loads of description and background in one place can get tiresome to say the least. If you want people to know ...

I liked this. Don't have that many suggestions, but watch out for repetition. For example, here: The Sergeant and his four remaining soldiers all inhaled deeply. With that, the remaining ...

I liked it, characters definitely credible, doesn't need any more. My brain is mushy and I can't think properly and there are only a few things I can think of ...

I'm afraid I only scanned over this, because right away from the beginning it didn't appear to be very well developed. You ramble a lot, and the dialogue isn't very ...

I'm afraid I'll have to say I didn't enjoy reading this much, but I think it could be a good piece with some work. I just found the beginning a ...

I thought this was a good start, although I did think the MC was a bit too cool. She came across to me as about sixteen, but in that case, ...

Wow. I really like this; it was a very strong piece of writing. I wouldn't agree with everything KJ said, but yes, there are some parts where the tenses are ...