Published March 21, 2008
Alright, everyone... I got some great reviews on this piece, and I wanted to make it better! I have edited it from its original version here. The review from Saint Razorblade on Sunday, March 23, 2008 was the last since I edited it. I hope it has improved! Thank you all!
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Holding a half empty mug of ale, a man stumbled drunkenly down a dark cobblestone road leading from the local tavern. He was crusty from sea spray, and his ears were ringing with the sound of waves crashing against the wooden hull of a ship. He stopped when in sight of the water. Memories swirled like violent waves around broken rocks in the sea of his mind. Overwhelmed to near unconsciousness, he let his mug slip from his hold, staining the dark stone cobbles beneath him. The man’s body went limp, and he fell to his knees in despair.
A young woman had been empting a bucket of water when the man fell, and she quickly gathered her skirts rushing to his side. She touched his shoulder softly, and recognizing him, she became aware of what was causing the man’s emotional pain. She left him, returning to her chore as he shifted, letting out a soft groan. A good portion of the town knew of the man’s loss and felt the sorrow as well.
It had been a wet night, seven months ago, full of sudden showers and no moon or stars to give any light. The ten-year-old daughter of the fishing boat captain crept out onto the dock of the ship. She had known no other world besides her father’s boat and the ports they visited. Her mother had passed when she was but two years of age, but faded memories of her stood in her mind. Creeping to the stern of the boat, she breathed in the salty air. A muffled noise behind her, then it all went dark, and cold, and wet. Her scream echoed through the fog.
By the alarm in her scream, the ships crew was immediately alerted to misfortune. They quickly raced on deck, but could not see the girl in any direction they looked. The captain was frantic, but with no existing hope, he was now lying in a road, his fingers lightly reaching for an empty mug.
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Overall, this was captivating. It wasn't especially great, but it did have an interesting quality to it. I liked your descriptions. Needs spacing. I guess I have nothing else to say; it was a pretty short piece. Good job.
So I decided to come and join this website that you have become obssessed over and looked for your story I know too much about. The sad thing is, I can't say anything I know because people who are reading this will be greatly disappointed in me. =[
I like the edits. The last time I read this was last year, and it really has improved. You have a right to be proud of it. I was never good with the whole editing process, so I go to you for that. So I have nothing to say about that, but I do have a lot on content.
What I do like is where you're going with this. The details are extraordinary and I can almost feel the melancholy dripping from him, but not as much as I would want too. He's in despair after having his daughter taken away from him. His wife is gone as well. He has nothing anymore. I think you can do a better job of detailing what he feels. We can certainly read it, but I seem to want more from him. To me, he's empty and I want more of that.
*waves* Hello! Welcome to YWS. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
Whoo, run-on sentence muchly? Yeesh. Put a comma after "head," and you'd probably be okay with getting rid of everything after "merrily," and putting that in another sentence if you like. That could even be a great way to sset the mood, too! "He didn't want to celebrate. He hadn't exceeded his fish quota."
Or something like that. ^^
Comma after "skirts."
ten-year-old*
You do a great job with not blatantly pointing out what happened to the daughter, which is yummy. That's a good thing. This is good enough as a bit of flash fiction, but it was telling a little too much for my tastes. If you want to lengthen it, I'd recommend less telling in the third paragraph. It's just kinda, "This is what happened. End." which is endlessly boring and nobody likes that. So, if you're looking to lengthen it, I'd put more detail and sensory description in there, so that you're showing rather than telling.
But if you're not looking to lengthen it, wonderful job! ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Great story!
you told in interresting short story that expands becausee of the way you did'nt tell how the captains daughter was killed.
this sounds pretty strange, but in a good way. you described it using a creative method.
was'nt he on his knees? it's not very common for a man to sit on his knees (or however you describe it) and not being concious. maby rewording it a bit?
wet? hmmmmm....
no discovery? hmmmmm...
im not so sure, mabey she was kidnapped, but are you leaving clues? hmmmmmm... the plot thickens.
great story!
vince
Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! I am in the process of changing it.
Overall, I liked it pretty well. I mainly agree with the others.
I didn't like this bit. Maybe change it to, "The captain was frantic, but with no hope in sight," Something like that. Interesting story, though!
I like this; it's a good short, strong piece, however, there are a few irrelevant passages and some repetition.
For example, you don't need to say his steps were uneven when you've already said he was stumbling drunkenly. One or the other.
I agree with jiggety on this sentence:
Too long. Difficult to read without ending up gasping for breath at the end.
Pavers? 'Cobbles' maybe would be better?
There are some points where the punctuation isn't quite write; look through it carefully to check that the pace and pauses are right.
Other than that, good start.
Whoa, slow down. Break down. Take a breath. You should read through your work more often to get a better sense of pace, and sentence structure.
This is a good short, the problem of course, is that not enough time is given for the reader to grow to care about the captain or his loss. His character is a mystery to us. And that touch of sinister suggestion you put in there, is ultimately useless because of where the piece ends. The manner of her death is irrelevant, because, as far as the captain or anyone else is aware, she fell off and drowned.
It is the impact on the captain that you tried to show here. Get rid of irrelevant detail. Try to show more of the captain's personality, and you can do this with more of an input from the people in the town. Maybe some people think he deserved it, or others are unsympathetic, thinking him to blame for neglecting to teach her to swim, etc etc.
Whatever, you must do more to make the captain's pain more accessible to us.
This is a nice story. I especially liked the fact that you didn't really show what happened to the daughter of the captain. Makes the draw conclusions from the other information you've shown.
Any more? I though that was good. Although you did have a few grammar mistakes. If you look your work over you'll be sure to find them
D7M
It's pretty good, even though I don't understand what happened to the captain's daughter.
Could you make that clearer please?
Also, you could describe the past events more vividly. But hush, I made the same mistake too, so never mind that. ^_^
Yours truly,
Memento Mori