Pianissimo
There was a letter placed on the grand piano. The note, wrinkled from many openings, was addressed to a young man sitting at the bench.
Raymond Simmons stared at the white and black keys, distraught. His fingers brushed along the soft edge of the piano while his face hung limply, pale and cold.
The letter had but only one paragraph penned. Raymond could almost recite it, word for word.
Ray,
I am deeply sorry. I will not be able to attend tonight’s performance. In fact, I will not be attending any performances hereafter. I have found someone else. He has touched my heart and I am devoted to him. I apologize for being so frank, but dear, Peter has asked for my hand in marriage. It was quite sudden, but buried in my heart I knew that I was to be with him. I apologize again.
Lydia
Raymond’s eyes rose to the music on the piano. The notes were just notes now. There was no meaning behind them; no emotion anymore. They were just notes. No music could come from them.
A month ago, those notes had rang with excitement. A month ago, they had been loud and clear, playing a full orchestra with one piano. A month ago, the music had swelled with a crescendo and ended with the chord that made her squeal.
Now all that were left were notes.
Ray slowly slid his hands into the grooves of the keys. He felt the familiar vibrations of the strings as his hands glided over them. The notes rang dully, echoing the loss of the past.
He gradually sped up, loosing the original tempo. The notes were cold and hard and reverberated off the walls. The sound traveled back to Ray’s ears but they were only notes.
No music.
Suddenly, without any further knowledge, Raymond collapsed on the piano. There was a loud bang of tones, everything colliding into a jumbled mess. Then, he realized, that was his life: a huge, jumbled mess. Nothing was organized. Nothing made any sense. He curled up, planting his face into his suit coat. He could feel the tears slowly forcing their way through his eyes.
She had been his. She had loved him, and he loved her. What had happened?
He distantly remembered those days when he had taken her ice-skating in the winter. The rink was frozen, yet alive with music. He faintly remembered her bright red lips smiling and laughing as he slipped on the ice. He remembered not too long ago when they had driven to the jazz pub down in Chicago. He remembered the one-too-many drinks Lydia had swallowed. The ragtime music in the pub had swirled and swelled and danced through the night. He remembered driving back to Cicero. She was asleep on his shoulder.
She had been there with him all of that time. She had been there with him through thick and thin, through clouds and sun, through rain and wind, through –
“Mr. Simmons?”
A calm and deep voice interrupted Ray’s thoughts. He slowly lifted his head off the grand piano.
It was Marley Hugo, the stage director. He was a large man, probably in his sixties, and wore a pinstripe suit. His tie was flashy, red and gold combined to make a dazzling effect. But then again, Ray knew, Hugo was a dazzling man. After everything he had done for him – given him an act at Concerto Hall, promoted his music – he was extremely well connected.
“It’s time,” Hugo continued and took off his hat. He bowed and replaced it, shutting the door. Raymond’s eyes slowly wandered back to the musicless notes and bit his lip.
Raymond, after many frustrating hours, had titled this piece Lydia, Sweet Child of Heaven. She had loved him endearingly for naming his song after her. But she wouldn’t be there to hear it. She never would.
How could he play a piano concerto when his heart was shattered? How could he manage to express his love, devotion and attachment to a woman who didn’t return the favor? It was impossible, just like those notes were.
It’s impossible to play from the heart if you don’t have one…
Raymond hesitated as he stood up. Should he take the music? If he did, the audience wouldn’t understand the underlying message. They wouldn’t understand a song from the heart. Not if he had a shattered one.
Sighing, he reached out and grasped it in his left hand and slid out from the bench. It rocked on the back two legs and crashed to the floor. The sound echoed throughout the empty practice chamber.
Ray grimaced as he knelt down to retrieve the bench. He pulled it upright and stepped away.
The letter was still resting on the piano. He eyed in conspicuously. Why did she write that? She knew that it would tear him down. And on the night of his first performance!
His bottom lip trembled. Raymond reached out and took the letter with his right hand. He read it one last time and painfully tore it to shreds. On his way out the door, he tossed the waste on the floor.
“Give a round of applause for Mr. Raymond Simmons!” Hugo cried out in front of the large audience. He was smiling brightly, as Ray came out from the left side of the stage.
Raymond forced a weak grin and waved to the crowd. As the deafening applause quieted down, he sat down at the concert piano. He shook his arms up in the air, and the arms of the suit coat fell down. Then he placed his hands on the keys.
He started to play.
The spectators listened eagerly, expecting a heartfelt experience. They wanted to hear the story of love, of Lydia and of him.
It started at a pianissimo. It was just a faint whisper until the melody swept through. The spectators smiled and sat back in their seats as Ray unfurled his masterpiece. Pianissimo delicately evolved into a mezzo forte, and it brought tranquility over the audience. The story told of a man falling in love with a beautiful woman; one who defied all description. Raymond made delicate facial expressions and played lightly, using the tips of his fingers. They glided over the keys, tripping and falling over one another.
The notes were played smoothly, but not smooth enough. Raymond struggled to keep a decent tempo. He began sweating at the brow as the spotlight flickered on. Now the story was the proposal: when Raymond had asked Lydia’s hand for marriage. He remembered distinctly every word that he had spoken that night.
“Lydia?”
“Yes?”
“My dear, I have a favor to ask you.”
“Yes? I’ll do anything for you. You name it. I’ll do it.”
“Will you be my bride?”
There was a long pause as Lydia gaped at him. Her mouth hung open slightly and her eyes darted back and forth between his.
“Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, I will, Raymond!”
She had flung his arms around him and they embraced.[/]i
Raymond bit his tongue. He was messing up the notes! [i]Come on! Get it right! He thought about whom the song was dedicated to. He thought about how she had abandoned him.
Give ‘em what they deserve.
Raymond suddenly lifted his hands from the keys on the piano. The audience quickly gasped, not expecting the sudden silence.
The pianist held his hands up to his eye level. There was one last chord. One last chord that would send shivers up everyone’s spines. One more chord and Lydia, Sweet Child of Heaven would be complete.
And then she walked through the back door. Raymond heard it open and close quickly. He glanced into the audience and he could faintly make out a woman in a stunning red dress. Beads dangled from her slender arm and her long, raven hair hung down to her waist.
No… no, it couldn’t!
It wasn’t. It wasn’t her. He had gotten his hopes up so high and it crashed around his ears like a wounded sheep.
At last, his hands fell down to the keys and he played, trusting himself.
The audience gasped. The chord was utterly wrong. Raymond bit his tongue and glanced at the keys. An A major chord. That wasn’t correct. He slowly lowered his third finger so the C sharp descended to C natural. The chord still wasn’t right. The C sharp had horribly ruined the ending.
Raymond’s gut twisted and churned. His fingers fell limp and his head hung again. He had messed it up. He had ruined the ending, the most important part of the song.
Hugo ran out onto the stage and help up his hands. The spectators slowly silenced and the old man began applauding. Most of the audience followed suit, but there were a few displeased members. As the clapping grew louder, Hugo turned to Ray and frowned.
“It’s fine, kid. You’ll do it next time.”
Raymond swore loudly as he slammed the door shut. He had entered back into the practice chamber. The lights were off, giving the room a feel of emptiness. After all, the only object in there was a piano.
He switched on the lights and saw two figures standing in the middle of the room: a man and a lady.
The lady was dressed in a white, modest dress that flowed down to her ankles. Her black hair was tied in a bun, and her face was beautiful.
The man stood behind her. He was dressed in a suit coat with a top hat. His was perfectly clean-shaven and had a devilish eye.
“Lydia!” Raymond cried. He was horror struck. Why would she show her face here? After all she had done to him--
“Raymond, that song was beautiful,” she replied, seemingly completely oblivious to what Raymond had just said.
“Lydia, how dare you come here with that… that… fiend!” Raymond yelled. He hurled himself, fists raised, at the man, but Lydia screamed, “No! Stop it!”
Raymond and Lydia collided, and she was sent flying to the ground. Her head made a sickening thud as she landed.
“Lydia!” Peter, the man, muttered, and he bent down to help her up. “Are you alright? I told you that he was an idiot. Look at him! He’s a complete fool! Let’s go.”
“Hold it!” Raymond commanded. Lydia looked fearfully into his eyes. Those blue gems of hers darted back and forth between his cold, gray ones.
“What to you want?” Peter asked hotly. He put his arm between Raymond and Lydia.
“What are you doing here?” Raymond demanded.
“I – uh, we – I wanted to come and see your concert before we leave town. I—I felt that I, uh, owed you an apology.”
Raymond’s heart dropped – if even possible – further. His face turned cold and his fingers began to tremble. “You are leaving?”
“It’s none of your business! Now, come on, Lydia. We’re going. Say goodbye to your honey,” Peter said and grabbed Lydia’s arm. He pulled her up from the ground and back onto her feet. She muttered something under her breath – a curse, more likely than not.
“Peter –” she began.
“Nuh uh! We are leavin’! Come on.” He started to drag her by her arm again, but she smacked him across his cheek.
“Wait!” she cried. “I said wait!”
“Let her stay!” Raymond bellowed. “Leave her alone, or I swear that I’ll hunt you down and… and…”
“Raymond! Please! Peter, I just need to have a quick word with him. Please. Just another moment. And then we’ll leave.”
Peter glared at her, but turned around and walked to the door, tapping his foot impatiently. His scowl did not lessen up.
“Lydia!” Raymond whispered fiercely, “Why have you come back? You filthy hypocrite!”
Lydia gasped in surprise. “Raymond! I came back to tell you how sorry I was. But now…” Her face looked disgusted. She turned around to leave, but Raymond, his fingers digging into her arm, spun her back to face him.
“You deserted me! You left me after we were engaged! How could you?” Raymond could feel the stinging tears crawling desperately out of his eyes.
Lydia whispered in an unusually low tone, “This is not my choice. He’s forcing me to do this. Please, you have to understand. There is nothing I can do. I just wanted to come and tell you goodbye.” She turned around again and started walking back to Peter.
“Lydia!” Raymond shouted, his eyes larger than his fists, “What do you mean?”
“I mean leave me alone!” Even through her harsh words, Raymond could sense a hint of desperation. Peter hurriedly grabbed her arm and whispered, “What did you tell him?”
She was pulled out of the practice chamber and into the grand entrance, where the audience were filing out.
It struck Raymond odd that Lydia had risked herself to apologize to him. If Peter was forcing her to be with him, then there was still some hope of getting her back. Right?
No, Raymond knew. Not now. He couldn’t dare. Even though he loved her with a love like he’d loved no other being, he couldn’t try to retrieve her. It wasn’t like him. Silently, he cursed himself. He knew he needed her back. There was a part of him that longed for her in him arms. And then there was the part of him that made him think of his career. The economy was steadily falling, and he couldn’t risk losing his job.
Raymond slowly made his way towards the grand piano again and sat down. Lydia, Sweet Child of Heaven was placed on the stand. No, he thought. She’s not going to ruin my musical career. I’m going to forget. Yes. That’s what I’ll do. Forgetting, though… it’s an impossible task.
He took his piano piece in his hand and tore it, shredding it into tiny pieces. I’m going to start anew.
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140,536 Literary Works • 673,408 Reviews
BigBadBear - I’ll cut the apologies for the delay and continue with the critique ^^
Quote:
Now all that was left were notes.
Very nice.
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
-> Raymond. Before and during the concert - very nice. I liked the way in which you portrayed his emotions. All in all, he’s a well-crafted character, and the beginning was terrific.
After, though… I’d like to see a smoother transition from Raymond A (up to concert) and Raymond B (after concert). I’d like to see how his behavior changes, etc. Right now I know that it does, but that is not enough. I know by his actions, and solely by his actions. I, on the other hand, would like to “see” his mind.
Comment to Raymond concerning the “after” scene as below.
-> Lydia and Peter. I’m afraid I do, but I suppose that comes with me feeling the scene after the concert a bit rushed. That may also have something to do with the dialogue (and only that, after a general description of how they looked like, enables the reader to really envision them), which was a bit unnatural (awkward) at times. It was rushed, a bit melodramatic at first, and yet, as was said, that is the only option available to me to get to know the two characters. The tags consisted mainly of showing the reader how each dialogue sentence was said. (There was a lot more, I know, and I’m exaggerating, but still…) While yes, that is the primary function of a tag, I felt that was not enough. In consequence, Lydia was okay, but only okay, and Peter… Okay, too, but a tad bit behind Lydia.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
-> Well, yes, I think so.
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
-> I’d like more description between him reading the note and him collapsing on the piano.
-> Scene after the concert. That was already rambled over. That needs to be extended and elaborated. Mostly, I’d like to see more of Lydia’s reactions, but in action, not words. It needs to be slowed down, but without, well… too much of that “slowing down’. I’ll leave you with that, heh.
4) No. 4 will be Additional Comments, in no particular order.
-> I’m big on letters, notes and etc. to be all in italics, not just the heading. That way they are separated more from the rest of the text, and are able to stand out. Here the rest of the note (apart from the heading) seems to merge with the story built around it.
-> And quotes deprived of any (or hardly any) link to grammar:
Quote:
A month ago, those notes had rang with excitement.
The repetitions in the previous paragraphs worked very well, that I admit, yet here it ceases to do so. I’d suggest cutting out that one, and leaving the next (and former ones) intact. That way the whole positive impression will be preserved, and nothing will irritate jumpy Esme.
Quote:
Suddenly, without any further knowledge, Raymond collapsed on the piano.
I don’t like that “without further knowledge”. Without further knowledge?
Quote:
How could he manage to express his love, devotion and attachment to a woman who didn’t return the favor?
Don’t like “return the favor” either.
Quote:
If he did, the audience wouldn’t understand the underlying message.
Me no like that sentence. “Underlying message”..?
Quote:
He was messing up the notes!
Don’t like the expression in this context. All of those unlikable (to me, obviously) expressions are so only when referred to the text as a whole (the atmosphere, time, etc.).
Quote:
The audience gasped, for the chord sounded atrocious!
I’d throw that exclamation mark in with the false enthusiasm. And the audience already gasped once. Add “again”, if it needs to be kept.
Quote:
He slowly lowered his third finger so the C sharp descended to C natural. The chord still wasn’t right.
Emphasize the contrast more, i.e. with “but”. (Not grammar! Not grammar! It’s a content-wise suggestion!)
-> “A month ago”. It’s personal preference, I suppose, but I didn’t like those repetitions to much. They irritated me more than anything else, and in my opinion didn’t add up to the atmosphere.
-> “It’s impossible to play from the heart if you don’t have one…” - I don’t really understand why that is in italics, or why that is there at all. Later on those parts are mostly acceptable, though I still don’t really like them.
-> And do fix the grammar. I overlooked the errors (and yes, and the person speaking to is one who makes millions of them in her own work), but those have to be corrected. Some really did stand out, and ruined the otherwise smooth read. Their disappearance would be a huge improvement.
I liked it, I really did. The title caught my attention, and the text, later on, succeeded in not letting it escape. The only thing that really bothered me was that last scene.
Cheers,
Esme
Hey, Jared!
Oh my goodness, I'm so glad to have finally read something of yours. I really loved this story--the thirties are definitely a rad time period to write in. It's got most of the convenience of a modern setting, but with a lot more drama, which you pulled off really well. Poor Raymond! Even though the story was mostly sad, I could still identify with him and cared about him, simply because of the way you portrayed him.
As usual, though, there are a few things to discuss. ^_^
JUST GO WITH THE FLOW, MAN:
Style is one of the most difficult things to explain to writers, in critiques or just in general. I know I have one, and you know you have one, but it's almost impossible to explain 'why' or 'how', which is why it's really, really hard to critique.
With this piece, the only thing that bugged me about the style was the flow. There were a lot of sentences where it felt like you could put accents--grace notes, if you will--but you didn't. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just something that will improve your writing a lot when you learn how to recognize and regulate flow.
The transition from the first to the second paragraph is kind of awkward. Why? Pretend you're a movie camera. You're focused in on the letter so far that it's blurry, and then you zoom out to Raymond, but the camera buttons are all jerky and so it's not a smooth shift in focus.
In the second paragraph, do you see how the sentences have an independent/dependent clause pattern? This leads to a rhythm in your reader's head that gets kind of repetitive, and so they can "feel" what you're going to do with your words next. Sound weird? Reading is kind of an odd process, if you think about it--but thinking about it is key to working the system so that your audience gets the most bang for their buck.
In order to improve flow and shake up your rhythm (sounds kind of like an oxymoron, doesn't it?), vary the kinds of sentences you make, and make sure that that camera-zoom isn't overly obvious.
See how that goes? Of course, this is my interpretation (and flaunting of my love for hyphens), but by shifting the way you write your sentences, you can make that camera zoom smoother and more natural, so that the audience doesn't feel slightly motion sick when they walk out of the theater.
JARED FEATURE FILMS PRESENTS...
One thing that will help your writing out a lot is the fine art of thievery. Learning how to be a sneaky thief--that is, one who covers up his tracks--is essential to being a good writer. It's impossible to come up with a completely original idea, so you may as well take other peoples' and go with theirs, right? Right. All you need to learn to do after that is cover it up.
The one thing that I noticed in this story, especially when Lydia is getting ready to leave Raymond, is that it sounded like it was coming straight out of a movie. Let's dissect it, shall we? *dons scrubs*
Here, it looked like you were enamored with the dramatic "No! Don't!" fight break up--which always comes from a damsel in distress. Sure, a dapper piano playing dueler is romantic, but how could you make this more original? How could Lydia react so that she doesn't make a fool of herself? When you write something that you really like, be sure to question it. Why do I like this?--and the converse is also true. When you write, question. It's the only way you're going to get your influences and your style straight.
So! When you steal, cover up your tracks. Modify. Make it Jaredtastic--you can't go wrong.
__
Thanks for the read, Jared! I'm on to part two. PM or IM or poke in my general direction if you have any questions.
#1 Biggest Fan, here!
Hahaha. Second of all, I love anything placed in the early 1900s, hee hee. And thrid of all, it is beautifully written. Some of the others say it doesn't have enough imagery, but I think it's wonderful the way it is. Some stories don't really need imagery so much. Of course, imagery is always nice, but again, this is fine just the way you've written it. A very nice plot--simple but lavished with a lot of polishing and descriptive words.
Well, I must say, I quite enjoyed this piece--first of all, because I relate to Raymond, with his musical-ness. I play the piano as well, though no where near his level. I don't even know what a pianissimo is.
I would like to get to know the whole Peter/Lydia situation though. It was a bit vague and a little confusing. Okay, so Lydia was forced to marry Peter. How'd that come about. When did she meet this guy, how could she ever fall for him (or did she). In the part where Lydia is talking to Raymond, I think you should make it longer, and maybe somewhere more private, where Peter can't hear a word they say. Have her explain some more of this stuff, so we get to know the Lydia and Peter a little better.
Happy writing!
Holly
Hey, Jared!
Oh my goodness, I'm so glad to have finally read something of yours. I really loved this story--the thirties are definitely a rad time period to write in. It's got most of the convenience of a modern setting, but with a lot more drama, which you pulled off really well. Poor Raymond! Even though the story was mostly sad, I could still identify with him and cared about him, simply because of the way you portrayed him.
As usual, though, there are a few things to discuss. ^_^
JUST GO WITH THE FLOW, MAN:
Style is one of the most difficult things to explain to writers, in critiques or just in general. I know I have one, and you know you have one, but it's almost impossible to explain 'why' or 'how', which is why it's really, really hard to critique.
With this piece, the only thing that bugged me about the style was the flow. There were a lot of sentences where it felt like you could put accents--grace notes, if you will--but you didn't. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just something that will improve your writing a lot when you learn how to recognize and regulate flow.
The transition from the first to the second paragraph is kind of awkward. Why? Pretend you're a movie camera. You're focused in on the letter so far that it's blurry, and then you zoom out to Raymond, but the camera buttons are all jerky and so it's not a smooth shift in focus.
In the second paragraph, do you see how the sentences have an independent/dependent clause pattern? This leads to a rhythm in your reader's head that gets kind of repetitive, and so they can "feel" what you're going to do with your words next. Sound weird? Reading is kind of an odd process, if you think about it--but thinking about it is key to working the system so that your audience gets the most bang for their buck.
In order to improve flow and shake up your rhythm (sounds kind of like an oxymoron, doesn't it?), vary the kinds of sentences you make, and make sure that that camera-zoom isn't overly obvious.
See how that goes? Of course, this is my interpretation (and flaunting of my love for hyphens), but by shifting the way you write your sentences, you can make that camera zoom smoother and more natural, so that the audience doesn't feel slightly motion sick when they walk out of the theater.
JARED FEATURE FILMS PRESENTS...
...WOW.
That was so good! I really liked it a lot. I really couldn't stop reading, and I'm honestly annoyed it ended that way. I want to find out what happens, and that is a reaction you want from any reader.
I'm a musical person myself, I play several instruments and so I could easily follow what was going on. I think that's why I liked it so much, I could easily relate to how notes are just notes until there is emotion-love, hate, joy, etc.--hence FEELINGS put into them-until then they cannot be music.
You did a great job interpretting that, and I really hope you continue to write.
Okay, there were quite a few things that I found and wanted to point out, but I have almost no time left and here are two parts that stuck out like a sore thumb to me:
Has a bad feel of repetition to it. I notice that you use the word notes far too much, and not just here. Go back and try to cut a few, or replace them with a different word.
Crawling does not feel like the right word. It ruins the tension and sorrow of the moment. It makes me think of spiders *Shudders*. Try another word. Like falling? Also, hate to sound like a broken record, but desperately doesn't feel right either. Are tears ever desperate? I don't think so. Aren't they melancholy? Or angry?
As to your questions:
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
I would say that they are partly credible. You've given us a beginning of an idea on who your MC is. We know he likes to play piano. We know he's hurt and angry. What else? And as to the woman he loves - why does he love her? Give us an idea. I'd like a true glimpse into who he is, and her, also. Does that make sense? So yes, I do feel that they need fleshing out.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
There's really nothing not to understand. You've laid it out simply (in a good way).
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
I would like more, actually. I didn't really have a visual of your characters or their surroundings.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
I feel that you are just lacking detail. Descriptions, really.
All in all, interesting piece, is what I say. Keep writing.
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
gave it away for me that she didn't write that letter in truth. I was just waiting at that point to see whhat the real deal was. I think the whole Peter forcing her seemed like you couldn't think of a much better reason for the letter not being what Lydia actually wants.I think only Lydia needs some fleshing out. The character of Raymond was brilliant. I could feel his emotions.
2)Do you understand the main plot?
Yes. I don't know if you could care, but the line that said
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
Sure there are specific examples...
We don't need all that. You could say he was an older man, well-dressed, and then explain that he has connections. That alone will give the readers a clue to what he's like.
This isn't about description but about unnecessary words in general. You do not need the word endearingly. That is redundant. Look for this throughout the story. There are quite a few unnecessary adverbs. You can tell how someone is doing something through what they're doing. Also, don't use the word "suddenly" to begin a sentence. You used it only once, I think, but it stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
Nothing besides the things I mentioned above.
Despite all I said, this is getting a gold star. Good stuff, indeed. I dig the title too.
Sad, sad story. It's a shame that such love can seemingly go to waste.
I loved this piece, if only because I'm a sucker for pieces with music incorporated into it. I was sucked into it from beginning to end. You did a great job developing your characters: I honestly felt sorry for Raymond and his predicament with Lydia and Peter. Excellent, excellent work.
My only major critique before I start nitpicking is your specific use of chord notation:
After taking a college level music theory class, I understand what is meant by this. I'm sure several other people on this site understand it, as well. However, if I showed this to my parents, they would have no idea what's going on. While detail is great, sometimes it's too much.
Look at it this way: I work at a radio station. If I said the main part of my job was ripping program segments and CD tracks into the SMARTSCASTER, you'd have no idea what I was talking about. However, if I said I downloaded programs into our broadcasting system, that's a little easier to swallow. When using specific language, dumb it down enough where normal people can understand it, while people specialized in that category don't feel like they're being ridiculed. Confusing I know, but I hope you get the point.
And now, for some nitpicks:
This section really stuck out, in a good way. I love the comparison between emotion and crecendos and the music being "just notes". I think it definitely sets the mood and says something about Raymond's character.
I would put a colon instead of a period after "his life was". "A huge jumbled mess" is a sentence fragment, because the mess isn't doing anything.
A great line, probably the greatest one in the entire piece, but why is it italicised?
I noticed it earlier, but it's blatant here: what is "it"? I know "it" is the music, but since it's not mentioned in the paragraph, "it" could be anything: the piano, the bench, his right hand (if he grasped it in his left). Make your pronouns clear.
I believe, in this instance, the correct usage is "all right?" But I'm not too sure.
"Nuh uh"? From a proper man from the 30s? No way. "No! We are leaving!" is much much better.
Unrealistic dialouge + passive voice = puke in my hat. "He forced me" sounds more realistic, plus it has the added advantage of making Peter even more of a sleezeball character.
And a fantastic ending to the piece.
Overall, I loved it. Absolutely loved it. From beginning to end, loved it, loved it.
Keep up the good work!
kf
WHOA!!! Not what I expected in teh least. The end of it that is. Man, that was intense. Awesome. There were a few times that it looked like there was a few grammatical things I could catch, first being.
She had flung his arms
I think you meant her arms.
Then when you were writing dialoge you didn't hit enter when a new person started to write. But then again, I really liked it.
This is very well done, as everyone else has mentioned.
On to the questions!
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
They are relatively complex, which is very good.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
Yes
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
The descriptions, emotionally at least, are sufficient. You could have more physical description, but I don't really find it neccessary. You have enough, and I generally pay less attention to what a character looks like rather than what they ARE like.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
Yes actually. I feel like it cut off too soon, as if a sequel is looming. Why is Linda being forced to marry Peter? Are they pregnant? Why doesn't Raymond find this suspicious? The ending was good with him starting anew, but her subtle desperate plea was enough to make me feel as if another chapter is coming (which i'm not sure it is meant to).
"There was a letter placed on the grand piano. The note, wrinkled from many openings, was addressed to [s]a[/s] the young man sitting at the bench."
Awesome. I love th pacing. I hope this continues! Keep it up Bear! ^_^
The cut from the note to Raymond already seeing the lifelessness in the notes is kind of sudden. Tell a little bit of how he felt upon reading this. Or how important the notes had been before. Something like... "Raymond’s eyes rose to the music on the piano. "The once joyous notes full of life and meaning were now lifeless." or "Raymond could feel his heart aching. As if his music had just ended." And so on... The notes were just notes now. There was no meaning behind them; no emotion anymore. They were just notes. No music could come from them."
"Suddenly, without any further knowledge, Raymond collapsed on the piano." Umm... why? Heart attack? Stroke? Cuz he felt like it? I think what would make sense here (and what I think would fit in with where you are going here) is to make him hit the piano on purpose... sorta. Like... "Suddenly, Ramyond stopped playing and lay his head on the piano, causing a chaotic chord of random keys to ring."
The last part is great! From the concert onwards was wonderful. I read stright through and was holding on for dear life!
~Yoyo
I liked it, characters definitely credible, doesn't need any more.
My brain is mushy and I can't think properly and there are only a few things I can think of to say:
First, suit jacket, not coat.
And a concerto is usually a solo piece accompanied by an orchestra. You didn't mention an orchestra...it sounded to me like it was simply a solo piece.
You could probably do with less adverbs. They're sprinkled a little bit too liberally.
The bit where Peter asks him a question and he reponds with one just doesn't sound right. It sounds like they're about to start that game where you can only answer with a question. Maybe find another way of putting it?
I think you could already tell that it was set something like the thirties; it just had an old fashioned air to it.
Otherwise, it was very good.
Hey!
Before I get onto grammar, I will just say...
In order to incorporate the year into this, just keep away from anachronisms and just set the story at that time. If you are good enough at sublte hints, then the reader will get it. I.e. gas lanterns.
Right, grammar!
Limply means moving with difficulty. In this case, try emphasing why a bit more.
Surprisingly enough, I didn't see many other grammar errors, if not any.
1) No, I like them as they are. Character dev. takes time, and I appreciate that.
2) Yep, I think so. No worries there.
3) No. This is excellent as it. You are one of the few writers I know who appreciate that the more adjectives a sentence, makes it tacky, not good. Well done there!
4) Actually, I would say, emotion. Is this guy sad? Why? Just a bit more there, you are OK aside from that.
General Impressions
I love this! What's the name of this grammar book? Me wants it! Seriously though, on StoweAway, and Field Trip, you showed great writing traits, but you lacked something. This is great now and I can't wait to read more fomr you!
Keep writing!
-Mark
Hey BBB
,
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
I think your characters quite solid and well developed. Ray seems to have a very strong personality, while Lydia is kind of week. I like the way you let her seem slightly fragile and undecided.
I also really like Hugo. He seems to be a very kind man and obviously cares a lot about Ray.
As to Peter: Well, need I say more, but that I can easily hate him?
2) Do you understand the main plot?
Yes, I did. Liked it
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
The way it is, I think your piece is just fine. You don't give an overload of description, but I can picture everything quite well.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
Hmmm... I don't think your lacking anything, but , personally, think maybe you should change the underlined sentence in the following paragraph:
I just think you could make this a bit stroger, sharper. This is the point were he's hit by realization, right? 'Then, he realized' sound a little bit like eventually in my ears. I think it's because for me the verb 'realize' is linked to slow realization and not being hit by something.
Maybe it's just me, but maybe it would be an improvement to say 'Then it hit him' or something similar.
Hope this was a little help to you
Keep it up
~Kalliope
Hey, thanks guys.
If I feel like I want to, there will be another two short stories - sequels to this. The next one will most likely be called 'Mezzo Forte' and the last would be 'Fortissimo' to keep the dynamic titles.
Thanks again, guys. I'll try to flesh Lydia and Peter out in future scenes!
-Jared
I don't have much time, so I'm just going to let my fingers do the work right now.
Opening sentence? Nah- we need something dramatic! Like "Somehow, even in deep dreaming, Raymond had never imagined heartbreak coming in the shape of a cream colored envelope." or, if you don't like that, "Against the smooth, worn rosewood, the letter stood out like Lydia had, like a rose among the weeds. A rose, Raymond thought, that meant disaster." Well, if those are too melodramatic, I'm confident you can think of something more fitting.
The title captured me. As a pianist and violinist, whenever I say words like "crescendo" people sorta stare and edge away. People who like Vivaldi are not well thought of, it appears. So "pianissimo" was fairly outstanding. I sorta thought Dimunendo would have worked a little better, as it sounds a little more mysterious.
I liked the characters, except for Peter. He seemed a little strange and rough. Why was he so protective of Lydia if he really was so cruel? Then again, maybe he just wants her away from Raymond.
Overall, very nice, well written. The proper grammar, punctuation, etc. was appreciated!
-A.J.K.
Shucks! I had so many good line-by-line "correct the flow" type nitpicks. Oh well, that's not what you want. Why don't I answer your questions instead?
) He seems to think of Lydia as a thing--a valuable thing, but a thing nonetheless. A thing that he loves a lot. A thing that was stolen from him. He doesn't seem to have any feelings for her as a person: when he knocks her over and she bangs her head, he barely notices... when she tells him that Peter took her against her will, what does Ray do? he decides to forget about her. This happens a lot in love stories and though I'm not experienced in the matter, I think it's just plain silly. If your girlfriend decides to leave you, why get angry and beat up the person who she goes to? Why not ask her what you did wrong? I understand that Ray's angry, but not all personalities show anger with aggression... some people might feel guilty that they weren't good enough, or that they did something wrong.
Please don't take it too harshly.
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out? They're alright, but everyone seems one-dimensional... Lydia seems like a classic beautiful damsel-in-distress who's being thrown around a lot and forced to do things against her will; Peter seems (as others have mentioned) just plain selfish and mean--the kind of person who only exists in books to make there be a villain; Ray is the best-developed (because you spend the most time on him) but I still feel like he's a bit selfish, like he just wants to "have" Lydia and doesn't actually care about her... but I'll go into more detail later.
2) Do you understand the main plot? Yes, I do.
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?Like Wolf said, I think you should add more sensual description. Also, what's the performance hall like? What about the practice room? Overall, I guess I think you should add more.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what? I agree with VivelaMusique in that the concerto should be a bit longer. I know you said you added more, but I still feel like it's a bit sudden. I love the flashback, maybe you can have him thinking over significant moments of their relationship, with three or four more little scenes and sections of him playing in between? That would be cool, I think.
One of this piece's main issues (in my opinion) is Ray's character. (I said I would go into it more, well now I am.
*pant pant* Okay, my rant is over.
I hope this helps... please feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it!
~Azila~
P.S. I love the title!
No grammar editing? Aww...
But I just have to point out this:
I don't like this as an opening sentence, mainly because it's telling rather than showing. You could say something like "The letter was almost perfectly camouflaged, only a few shades for yellow than the ivory piano keys." See, that's showing us that there's a letter on the piano, rather than just saying it outright.
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
Yes, I think they do. I know only the characters' emotions: Raymond is sad, Peter is angry, Lydia is also sad. I know who they are, but they don't really have personalities.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
Yes, but I was kind of bored while reading it. It felt kind of empty; I'll say more on that later.
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
You might add some more sensual description -- use the five senses. I could picture it pretty clearly, but I've noticed that in your work, you don't tend to have very poetic description. That isn't exactly a bad thing, but I think that in this piece, you would benefit from adding some more metaphors and/or similes to create more of a mood/atmosphere.
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
Character development, intrigue. I felt kind of bored while reading this and I think it is kind of... hollow. It could be so beautiful with more poetic imagery and more fleshed-out characters. I think that kind of description would be add to the piece, making it more interesting. Also, more personality during the conversation between Lydia, Raymond and Peter would make that bit -- which I found quite dull -- more interesting.
-----------------------------------------------------
I saw a whole bunch of nit-picky things, grammar and not-grammar, but since you don't want me to point them out...
Anyway. Overall, this is pretty good. I almost liked it, but it fell short on characterization and interest. But I'm not much of a music-tragic love-story kind of girl anyways, so it's partly just personal preference.
Work with this a bit. I think it could be great, with a little editing.
Cheers,
Camille xx
Interesting for sure, probably a first but that's weird that you had posted it...
It didn't interest me but I thought that it would be a good idea for me to read it at the least.
Not much that I could say...
From: Shanana-cat
To: Jared-monkey
Thank you, you three! You've just made my day! When I get home from church today, I'll go back and edit the concerto part (make it a little longer) and the fight a little better too.
Now, to answer some questions:
*not really a question* Yeah, I don't want him to be stereotypical. That sucks. I'll make sure that he has a better side to him and make him... well... *wanders off*
I'm leaving that up for you to decide.
Thanks everyone! You've been extremely helpful! Any more comments or suggestions?
-Jared
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
Like Gryphon, I thought that Raymond was very well done. Nice job with him. As for Lydia, I have to agree again, she seems like a very mentally weak character. I felt however, she and Peter could do with a little more. Raymond is fine, and Hugo reminds me of the guy from Moulin Rouge, which is awesome. I think, though, you could do with more about how Lydia affected his music. What you have done about this is very well done, but personally, I think it would help us to see the essence of their relationship better.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
I had one problem: I couldn't decide whether or not Lydia wanted to leave. Am I being stupid? Probably. But I wasn't sure... other than that, I got it all... (unless that was something major and I've missed the whole point!)
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
I felt that you could have stretched out the actual playing a bit more... you tell us that it starts pianissimo, but before we know it, he's playing the last chord. I felt that you could have put more of the concerto in... obviously, you don't need to lead us through the whole piece, but I felt that you could have just added some more... do you know what I mean? Have him playing through the crescendo that he thought about, before that final fatal chord. Stuff like that. Make sense?
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
Nothing except what I've mentioned...
Oh, just a question, you say "Thick in thin". Is that just how you say it, or should it be thick and thin?
Okay, so first of all, I loved it. It was a sort of romantic idea, (The piano, the time period) but you pulled it off very well. I enjoyed it quite alot.
So to answer your questions:
1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out?
I thought that your characters were very believe for the most part. I thought Raymond was well developed, you knew enough of his personality to see where he got off doing what he had. Lydia I think was a little confusing to me, I think maybe you could have him reminicing about her while he's at the piano. Peter seemed sort of two demensional. (See Gryphon's comment) Also I wish you would've described more about Hugo, I felt he could've been a more important part to the story.
2) Do you understand the main plot?
Yes, I enjoyed it.
3) Do you think I need to add/subtract some descriptions?
I don't think you need to add descriptions of feelings, but the scenery really only extended to the piano. Raymond could've still been sitting in his practice room with his piano or in the middle of a park and we wouldn't know. Bring in some details about the stage, the audience, the theater. If he looks out to the audience can he make eye contact with anyone? Do the lights on the stage illuminate his music? Does he stare at the cracks on the floor?
4) Do you feel that I am lacking something? If yes, what?
The time from when he starts playing and abruptly looks at his hands seemed to pass fairly quickly and you said it was a concerto, which are usually long(ish). So maybe you could include something more in between those two points?
Otherwise, it was very good.
-Maggie
This was quite a tragic story.
Raymond seemed pretty credible to me. We really only get a picture of his grief, but that is what the story is about, so that's okay. Lydia, I feel that I didn't really get to know, that she was pretty weak-minded... I don't know if that was your intention for her but that was the impression I got, since I only had Raymond's word and then a short scene with her being pushed around by Peter. I got the essence of Peter's character, but not much more than enough to make him kind of a stereotypical evil, girl-stealing villain who "doesn't love/appreciate her as much as the hero." Their scene was short. Maybe extend it a little and have a bit more of their actions. It will help expand their characters.
Yes. Very nice job.
Like I said above, you could have a bit more of the characters' actions in the confrontation scene. Also, I don't know how important you consider the audience, but if you wanted to emphasize the fact that she isn't there, you could describe the audience a bit and then maybe say that they aren't her, they could never appreciate it like she would, or something to that effect. If you don't want that, it is fine without it however.
Eh.... no?
Very nice job. I really did like the style and the story.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling