Griffinkeeper

The gleaming violet-flecked green eyes would appear from the stairway. I think it would build the suspense if you added "at any moment" somewhere in here. That way the reader ...

“Wear have you been we’ve been looking all over for you, are you…?’ She trailed off, and then asked. Should be "Where." “Who’s she?” I think I had a pretty ...

I sat upright, suddenly awake, shaking and sweating. I used Father's calming techniques subconsciously, breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. In, out, in, out, in and out. ...

Concerning structure: One thing that bothered me was the beginning. Check out this passage: “I will answer your questions in time,” he said through a scratched throat, “For now, join ...

I noticed all the dirt and grim about his face Should be "grime." This chapter is really dull. While it is better to show action instead of telling us about ...

First off, welcome to YWS! I really liked the first stanza; as it gave it a fairy tale like beginning; which really suits this poem well. There was a disconnect ...

We sit on a blanket counting the stars: One for you and me and all the lovers That ever knit themselves into this earth. I think you wanted to say ...

I rather liked this poem. It made me feel very nostalgic even though I had absolutely no memory to be nostalgic about. The line about the grandmothers cooking must have ...

I'm coming into the story late, but here goes... Chapter 10: I thought this chapter was pretty hokey. The fact that Esti was held captive and still allowed to keep ...

Coh stared at the small heap of rocks, an intensity in his eyes that was rarely seen. His shoulders were hunched; every muscle tight. This sentence is kind of a ...

I got to say, I half expected some sort of guerrilla/special forces mission in some jungle. I didn't expect the PenguinAttack . Though it was very funny, the battle scenes ...

In a house where air flowed not through any vent but through every opened window,thick and oppressive. This is a poor start. It sets the story up so that this ...

“It is now four forty-five. If you are not in the dining hall at this time, you may not have breakfast. Servers will be out momentarily with your portions. You ...

Danger felt ambiguous, like the smell of bitter coffee, as the Tram ambled up the rough and broken pavement of future highway 1106. This sentence is nonsensical. Ambiguous means to ...

Length is the least of your problems. The narrator is crazy, which makes it difficult for the reader to relate to them. I mean, readers like reading books, they're biased ...