Once upon a time, I set my sights,
On a perpetual eye in the storm,
A dazzling isle surrounded by night.
I feel the waves crashing around me,
Stranded alone on a little boat.
I am drenched in cold clarity.
I jump as thunder rumbles high above,
Tendrils of mist reach out with coiled fingers,
And lightning slices through the fog.
The journey across the churning sea
To find that lucid, elusive epiphany,
Is not as simple as I expected it to be.
Visions of calm waters, clear skies,
And the island within my reach
Dance across my weary eyes.
But alas! I am lost amidst a sea of people,
The lighthouse’s beacon never reaches me,
And I am left in a dazed muddle.
I am incomplete.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you for the review. C: I'll take everything you said into consideration, and I'll work on editing it again. I just find it really hard to pinpoint the things in my work that make it sound a bit wrong, so I love knowing what other people think about things. So yeah, thanks for the review, it's really helpful.
Hello,
I took the liberty of reading the original work and this repost side-by-side. I love what you changed about the poem; this has a nice rhyme to it now. I agree with everything the person above said about tense; and I liked the image of the boat. I think the opposing imagery sort of reflects your confusion in the poem, as if you are trying to find the right metaphor to describe what you're feeling.
I've never experienced mist to have tendrils and fingers; its not really a substance that reaches out, but one that envelopes or something in that vein.
Besides that nitpick, great job and great improvement from the last one. I think you should include the note you included in the previous poem in this one as well, as it really cleared up the purpose of the poem for me.
Other than those nitpicks,great job.
What an elegant piece! As if i was there tossing and turning amongst the waves!
Thanks for the review. It's really helpful. The first stanza actually was the most recent part of the poem I wrote, so I suppose it did come off as disconnected. I was trying to portray the idea that the persona went away to find that epiphany, but is now lost and can't find her way back. Buh. It needs more work than I thought it did.
I didn't know about the fog. Hmm, I need to rephrase that then.
Anyway, thank you again. c:
First off, welcome to YWS!
I really liked the first stanza; as it gave it a fairy tale like beginning; which really suits this poem well.
There was a disconnect between that first stanza and the following stanzas. The first stanza is written in the past tense, but the following stanzas are written in the present tense. That's what caused the disconnect. I was expecting to read more in the past tense; so seeing that present tense took my mind off the content of the poem and set it to figuring out just what tense the poem was in. Personally, I think that everything reads better in past tense, but whichever tense you choose to use; make sure to use it throughout.
Fog is usually associated with calm seas; but thunderstorms cause a downdraft which whips up the seas and prevents fog from settling.
In addition to the change in tense, I'm not quite sure how we ended up on a boat. Presumably the narrator got on the boat and set sail for the eye of the storm; but this isn't explicitly mentioned.
Other than the change in tense, the poem has a good flow to it (even if the imagery is contradictory in places.) So I think you should continue to work on it and *repost* in the future.