Ego

It was bleeding from a missing ear and It had no fingernails, but surrounding its’ wrists, like cuffs, were a ring of claws, growing from the skin. There was blood ...

My general impression of the piece so far is that the tone is too modern. The phrases you use all sound like they were written from the point of view ...

On perspective: for a story written from the first person perspective, this piece reads very impersonally. That, combined with the change in perspective later in the story (which, honestly, doesn't ...

First and foremost; format. Please do so ^_^ Secondly, more of a note than a criticism; your style is excellent! Your opening paragraph is quite good, pulling me--the reader--in very ...

“I can’t believe we’re finally going. I remember spending hours on the phone with you while we tried to get our parents to agree to this, and now the moment ...

He thrust the disc into my hand. For the first time I noticed an Asian cast to his features. I guessed him to be about forty-five, and Japanese or perhaps ...

It's a little bit predictable, so I think you should shake things up a bit. Maybe throw in a few tragedies or something. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading ...

Let me paint you a nice little picture of myself, so that you can all frown, and turn away, mildly disgusted. I'm the kid you see standing on the street ...

This thing is heavy, he thought, maybe eighty pounds. This thought sounds unrealistic to me. It sounds more like you anted an excuse to say "The armor weighs 80lbs" than ...

I'm not diggin' this, at the moment--you throw at us two descriptions and two names, but no real introduction to the characters or the setting. We have no idea why ...

I entered the house stealthily, as anyone as seasoned as myself would. It was easy – from what I heard, there were only three residents: two adults, presumably the parents, ...

It felt good running down his throat, this choking smoke that was the product of the burning cigarette held between his lips. He removed it with two fingers clamped lightly ...

Hi Freedom-- Interesting concept--not terribly original, but what is, these days? You've made it your own by establishing both protagonist (even though we don't know her name), antagonists (along with

RRIIINNNGGG! Onomatopoeia looks amateurish--shy away from it, whenever possible. The bus started moving. This is nitpicky, but I'd recommend saying something about the bus driver making the bus move--

Twenty minutes after you post your story? What do you think we are, Domino's Pizza? 30 Minutes or it's free? Yeah, definitely not. First off! Your title needs some work. ...