Feel free to tear it to shreds
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In Whittsdale, Nebraska, there is a school, and in this school there is a bathroom. Typically, students
attending this school will use this bathroom for necessary acts of nature, but in high school, fights
arouse, hearts are broken, hopes are crushed, friendships are tested and feelings are hurt. When such
things occur, what better place is there
to escape reality than the bathroom? So, in the bathroom in the high school in Whittsdale, Nebraska,
Christina Nitel sat in fetal position on a toilet in a locked stall. Angry tears leaked out of the corners of
her eyes. This only made her more furious. What right does that jerk have to make me cry? she
thought. Christina pounded a fist against the cheap wall that bordered the toilet she sat on. She bit her
lip and squeezed her eyes tight. Christina needed a way to vent other than plastic friends who are
more worried about the condition of their nails. Suddenly, Christina's eyes popped open and she
grabbed her Channel purse off the floor. Her eyebrows formed a "V" shape and her mouth twisted into
a half smile. Christina reached into her bag and her hand emerged holding an expensive stick of
lipstick. She opened it up and started scribbling furiously on the stall door. Sobs echoed through the
room. Although not as fulfilling as saying it to his face, bashing him on the stall of the girls bathroom
made Christina sit up a little straighter.
"Max Holtz is a manipulative, power-hungry, controlling maniac and he belongs in an asylum? I agree,
and nice choice of words." Christina looked around; shocked someone else was in the bathroom with
her. She tilted her neck back and saw Elaine Morrison. Elaine's black fingernails clung to the tip of the
stall divider and her black hair hung over her face as she looked down on Christina. Standing on the
toilet, Elaine was about 2 feet taller than Christina, who was still sitting on her toilet. Christina's cheeks
flushed and she shrugged at Elaine.
"Don't be embarrassed," Elaine started "he's a total moron and anyone who could get along with him
with out losing their mind deserves a medal." Christina chuckled. That's true, she thought,
really its not me it’s him. "Care to explain why you're wasting a perfectly good stick if lipstick on
Max Holtz?" Elaine asked with an almost smug expression on her face.
"Um, well," Christina stopped her self and thought, Why am I confiding in her? I don’t even know her
last name. Then again, I don’t know half of my friends’ last names. Oh well. “It’s just that he’s
always so controlling and I never say anything about it. Not always big things, little things too. I never
get to pick the movie, or the restaurant, or even what I eat at the friggen restaurant. I have no voice.
I’m like one of those women from the eighteen hundreds; you know the man rules and the woman
stays home and cooks.
“Just now, I wanted to sit with my friends at lunch, but he drags me over to sit with his friends. I
wouldn’t even mind if they weren’t vile, cruel, perverts. Then, for the first time in our relationship, I
speak up and try to say something and he just explodes! SO he blows up and storms out of the
cafeteria, so I follow him. Next, he starts getting all clingy saying we should ditch school for the rest of
the day. He starts literally pulling me out of the school so I just smacked him and ran here.” Christina
sucked air in, and then exhaled.
“Sorry, that was a lot, and I don’t even know you.” Christina’s cheeks flushed and she looked at her
feet. Elaine smiled and said “Don’t worry about it; I went out with him for a while. I get it.” Christina
nodded and replied “I really should be going, uh, nice talking to you.” Christiana stuffed her lipstick
into her bag and left the bathroom. Not ten seconds after she left the bathroom, Max was behind her.
“Come on, baby. I’m sorry.” Christina kept walking, refusing to respond. Max trotted along beside her
fast pace.
“Baby, you know I didn’t mean any harm. You know I love you. Hey, how’s about I come to your place
tonight and we rent a movie. How about that, baby?” Christina spun around and glared at him.
“No, you know what Max, you can’t come over. We’re done Max. I’m sick and tired of dating Hitler jr.”
She continued speed-walking down the hall.
“Don’t be like that baby; you know you don’t mean it.” Christina closed her eyes and sighed.
“Yes, Max, I do mean it one hundred percent. And you know what? I’m going to Michael’s party
tonight, and I’m going without you.” Max’s face turned into a tomato. He gritted his teeth and clenched
his fists.
“No, God damn it! You are not going to Michael’s party tonight and that’s final! I-I-I swear if you so
much as take one step out of your house tonight, you’ll be sorry!” Christina rolled her eyes.
“This is what I’m talking about, Max.” Christina reached her locker and started to turn the dial. The
bell’s ring echoed throughout the halls and students started walking from their classrooms. Max
stomped his foot and formed a strange one man parade, marching down the hallway. Christina heard
him shouting, “You’ll be sorry!”
Christina Nitel sat in her bedroom that same night, primping for Michael’s party. This is just what I
need, she thought, a way to get Max off my mind. She was smiling as she put the finishing
touches on her appearance and walked down the stairs. No one was home so she didn’t need to tell
any parent where she was going, and that was the way she liked it. She walked into her three-car
garage and started up her Mercedes. Christina’s grin widened as she backed out of the driveway.
“Take that, Max Holtz!” she yelled triumphantly. Christina blasted her radio and got on her way to the
party. Michael lived in Christina’s neighborhood, so she didn’t have to take any main roads.
Christina suddenly felt warm. She frowned and felt her forehead. She bit her lip; it felt like she had a
fever. Damn, I better not get sick for the party; I’ll be pissed if I have to go home early.
Christina turned on the AC which had not been in use for a while, considering it was winter. Christina’s
breathing became labored, to the point of panting. She ran her finger through her hair, trying to pull it
off her face. This is unreal! Christina though. She pulled the car over and tried to calm herself down.
No matter how high she blasted the AC, she just couldn’t cool down. Christina touched her face and
felt her makeup running down her cheeks along with what felt like a truckload of sweat.
“What is this!?” Christina screamed, banging against the dashboard. The heat in the car was
unbearable now. Christina pulled at the handles on the car door but they wouldn’t budge. Her breathe
came in huffs and puffs, she couldn’t take it anymore. Christina smashed her tiny fists against the
window to her left, but she became weaker and her arms drooped at her sides. Christina started to
scream her lungs off.
“He….lpme….someone…please!.....helpme!” she sobbed. Christina fumbled for her phone. Just as she
was about to dial a number, the phone felt mushy in her hand. And hot. Very, very hot. Christina’s last
shriek was cut off by death. Within ten minutes after that, Christina’s car melted into a blob of un-
recognizable goo.
In Whittsdale, Nebraska, there is a upper class neighborhood, and in that neighborhood, there is a hill.
Max Holtz sat on that hill, laughing up a storm.
“I warned you Christina, I did.” Max smiled at his work.
“Actually, you gave me the idea. If you say I’m Hitler, I might as well ply the part and burn bad, bad,
girls I don’t like very much at all.” Max Holtz smiled again and walked down the hill to join the crowd
surrounding the little, melted, rich girl in her little, melted car.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First and foremost; format. Please do so ^_^
Secondly, more of a note than a criticism; your style is excellent! Your opening paragraph is quite good, pulling me--the reader--in very nicely. However, your voice loses its bluster throughout the story, and by the end, the very climax of the piece, you've mostly lost it. you try to bring it back by using repeating the style from the introductory paragraph, but it doesn't quite fit. I recommend using this format;
And thus: "In Whittsdale, Nebraska, there is an upper class neighborhood, and in this neighborhood, there is a hill. Typically, residents living in this area use this hill for necessary acts of everyday life, but in this neighborhood, fights arise, hearts are broken, hopes are crushed, and feelings are hurt. When such things occur, what better place is there to burn an ungrateful girlfriend to a blackened crisp? Max Holtz sat on that hill, laughing up a storm."
I think adding this--or something like it--to the piece would add to it, simply because it keeps your voice and style consistent, throughout; it even brings back the excellent paragraph at the beginning, which you started to do but ultimately did not.
About Holtz; I think you should go into more depth with this character. He's interesting in that he's dastardly, but he doesn't quite have the depth of Christina in the story. I think you should provide more of a flashback scenario when she is telling the story to her new friend, rather than the huge block of spoken narration you currently have.
In all, an excellent start! Edit, revise, tweak, and tinker to your heart's desire; it will only get better as you do.
--D
PS: About what Do said about the car and phone melting; Very correct. Phones might melt, having plastic frames, but a car certainly would not. The interior of the car--leather and plastic, mostly--would probably begin to melt before bursting into flames because of the intense heat, but the frame of the car wouldn't.
PPS: This would make a great setting for other short stories fo its kind.
Hey, you ^^
Interesting writing style. I like it.
Here's the review:
Repetition :In the first four sentences you use the word “school” five times, and the word “bathroom” four times. That is too much; you should use synonyms, or change the sentence structure so it makes sense without having to repeat the same word over and over again.
"Care to explain why you're wasting a perfectly good stick if lipstick on Max Holtz?" - I think you mean "of" ^^
Why am I confiding in her? I don’t even know her last name. Then again, I don’t know half of my friends’ last names. Oh well. These thoughts sound a bit artificial. Try to avoid the "oh well" and show us in another way that she decides it doesn't matter so much.
Max’s face turned into a tomato. - er... maybe say "Max's face turned as red as a tomato." or something of the like, because I honestly envisioned his head becoming a tomato entirely. It just doesn't sound right.
I-I-I swear if you so much as take one step out of your house tonight, you’ll be sorry!” - why does he suddenly stutter? I'd say; either cut the stutter out entirely or show us in description that he stutters and seems unsure of himself... don't just repeat a letter with no explanation, because then it looks odd.
Also... I think it breaks character a bit to have him stutter. Have him be furious, and leave out the uncertainty that the sudden stuttering shows us. He's a badass guy, no? So make sure he stays that way
There are also some details that are off when the car is 'melting'. Where is the fire? The smoke? The explanation for why it gets so hot?
Phones don't simply melt, nor do cars. Not until the temperatures are very high. The character would be dead long before the phone would feel "mushy". The car wouldn't melt at all: ever seen a car after a fire? The metal frame is largely, if not entirely, intact, just blackened.
To be frank: I don't understand what you meant for the reader to imagine as the cause of the death - for you show no fire, just heat. It gets a little confusing.
One last thing: space out your paragraphs more. A block of text like this doesn't read nicely.
Work on the abovementioned things, especially the repetition. I hope the review helps!
I enjoyed reading it, it's well done, and your writing style is nice ^^
PM me if you have any questions!
XxxDo