Dreamworx95

Hi Crescent, Great interpretation of the contest idea. You had me hooked from the first paragraph. I love that you chose a personification of one of the seven deadly sins ...

Hi Priceless, This is well written, but I have to be honest - it feels like Twilight all over again. I see Bella Swan in the main character, especially when ...

Hi Midnight, “Nora, you forgot your lunch!” The sharp voice floated down the street just before said teenager turned the corner towards freedom. I'm not sure about "said teenager" here. ...

Hi McMourning, Turning wildly to each other, they compared straws. Cut "wildly" or maybe just change it to "frantically" - or something like that. "Wildly" doesn't really convey anything. “Size ...

Hi JabberHut, I was very impressed at how subtly you worked the prompt into the story. At first, the images didn't make sense to me, but I understood better after ...

Hi Yoda! I was really excited to read something of yours again, and you did not disappoint. This was very well written and enjoyable. You accomplished a lot in a ...

The cloaked man light his hands with fire. Lit his hands with fire. The man grabbed Dobliv’s coat setting, it on fire. Comma is in the wrong place. Dobliv screamed ...

Wow, I was actually impressed with this, which is saying something. Your descriptions are a little obscure, but I like that. The way you write your details makes the reader ...

They were fresh which meant the horses had passed through here not that long ago. Need a comma after 'fresh' I had tracked them for three days now and I ...

Sup, Cosby? I think you've got a decent start here with an interesting concept and I think you should run with it. But I think a few improvements could be ...

portraying his vain hopes that the breast cancer rate would cease, along with, even in the failing economy, his income of hair-shaving money. Too many commas here. Instead of using ...

I looked up at the house with its faded white siding. The faded white siding I had helped put up when I was twelve. The second part is redundant. I'd ...

What exactly is the Book of Truth? I remember reading about it, but was that mentioned already? If so, sorry for being such a lousy reader. I swear I have ...

Nice. I really liked this. But never was it mentioned why the cutthroat wants Caullin's son dead, but I suppose that's for dramatic effect and to keep the readers wondering. ...

Hey Master, :) Finally here. Sorry it took so long. Why they stood in line at the gypsy stall was beyond his comprehension . Comprehension. I don't know, it sounds ...