Published June 10, 2007
“Since you cannot decide, I shall have to decide for you.” Holding out his hand, the man continued, “Draw straws.”
Turning wildly to each other, they compared straws. The yellow, blue, and pink straws were all the same length.
“Size does not matter; colour does. If you picked a coloured straw, too bad, you’re dead,” his smile was not sinister, rather soft like a baby’s.
“But, we have colorued straws,” Charles answered.
“Yes, yes, of course. You see, they’ll only turn white if your heart is truly pure.”
The straws grew into globes of white light, as the crowd repented.
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Hi McMourning,
Cut "wildly" or maybe just change it to "frantically" - or something like that. "Wildly" doesn't really convey anything.
Because the dialogue is followed by an action, you have to end the dialogue with a period and start the action with a new sentence. So it should be: "Size does not matter; colour does. If you picked a coloured straw, too bad, you're dead." His smile was not sinister, but rather soft like a baby's.
No comma after 'but' and it should be "coloured"
Interesting. It reads like a dream. I thought the white vs. colored straws idea represented the history of the human race. There are countless points in history where colored people were killed because they weren't white. I thought this tied in with that because you don't get to choose what "color" you are, and here the characters don't have a choice in what color straws they get.
I'm probably way off the mark, but that's how I interpreted it. It would be cool if you challenged the idea of "white is always right and pure" in an expansion of this.
Dream.
If this were longer, I could give more advice on. But since it isn't, I will just make do with the length.
This is written well. This seems not so much a short story, but more of an idea. The characters have no names, first off.
I like how one of the straw-drawers says "But they all have colors..." this gives a pretty good idea of what puzzlement and apprehension the characters are feeling.
Is this a religious passage? I kinda can tell it is to be a good person and to repent for one's sins, but maybe go more into this. Make it longer and let people get the situation those people are in: why do they want to draw straws? Who is this person offering them these straws? Just a little more background, and you're golden!
Keep writing things like this. It's interesting and refreshing.
So sorry to sound like a stuck record here but that is a very interesting idea. I know, I'm reiterating what has been said previously, but it sounds like part of a large, grand storyline with a lot of potential
.
It's something I'll be looking forward to, reading the rest of it!
Illa Ater Rosa III
Wow, this is really interesting. I made me wondering what would next... then it ended. It was really nice, you should continue it! If you want to, anyway.
And thank you for reveiwing my post, Dream.
I will take your advice ^.6
Yes, under the Thread title, I wrote: Part of a larger piece (not title Glowing Straws). But, of course, that doesn't show on the Home Page, so you probably didn't see it. I'm not sure if I'm going to post it. It's a bit less than 2,000 words, so I'd have to post it in chunks. And, if I did, I'd have to do a ton of revision first. I just wandered if this tidbit sounded right. There's just something about it that doesn't seem to go, but I don't know.
Thanks, Sumi!
Wow....what an interesting thought ^_^
It's much too short for me to give a proper 'tique, so forgive me for being brief.
The idea is interesting, as is the straw-thing, but I get the feeling this is a part of a much larger story. If it is, are you going to post it?
Based on this snippet, it would be interesting ^^
Sumi