Clo

Hey-o Tamora! The second paragraph is a big change from the first. I think you should a transition between the two, instead of jumping right into that topic. Even something ...

Hey, Israeli_Camel! Welcome to YWS! *throws cookies at you* First thing, ONE RULE : It is mandatory at YWS to post two reviews before you post your own work. Which ...

A warm summer’s day, a harsh winter night; these things, like all other things we can see, [s]touch[/s], make up the world. Along with these things come all things in ...

Morbid? Terrible? This book is amazing. And I never saw it as morbid, or gross. There's so many books worse than it, this story never dipped into how truly awful ...

I don’t want to write something cheerful, where everyone loves everyone else and everyone is happy Instead of saying "everyone" twice, try phrasing it differently or substituting it with another ...

Mmm...hotdogs. The Beginning : is too abrupt and random. It's just simply dialogue, no description. You need to add the slightest bit of description here, even it it's just a ...

They like lights against a window pane They are like Snow falls from the roof as I slam the door and when I turn the key ice dislodges from the ...

Chapter 1: The Chosen I hate to be "that person" pointing out cliches, but I think you can pick a much better title for this chapter. "Chosen" people is extremely, ...

Thick emotions pulse along my veins I don't care much for this sentence. It's surrounded in wonderful sentences, and then I read this... blech. I can see that there is ...

Every note was there, spelled out a deceptive simplicity in little dots lines and sharp tails of ink. This is a confusing sentence. Do you mean "spellING out a deceptive ...

I agree with choco, I was surprised to find out this was a teenage guy. Just tweak the tone slightly to sound more like a teenager, and this will be ...

It was warm and dry all week, giving me an awesome chance to hit [s]at[/s] the tennis courts At isn't necessary. “Hey Santiago, what’s up with it?” Omg... that is ...

well, all the grammar and style things have been pointed out, but here: After all these years, I made myself forget his name, but I’ll never forget the way his ...

Ditto what Antares said: Dialogue = new paragraphs! When you read a book, think of how that's set up. Try to mimic that. :wink: Before you post a story, search ...

The wind was blowing, making her blond hair and white skirt blow in the wind Well if her hair was blowing, of course her hair would be blowing too. That's ...