This is just a little bit from the first chapter in the story I'm writing...
Abby stood at the edge of the ocean. The water came up and licked her toes. The wind was blowing, making her blond hair and white skirt blow in the wind. She took a deep breath of air – it smelt clean like salt, water, and sand.
She was always in the water no matter what. She was a really fast swimmer but refused to join the swim team. Everyone questioned why, if she was such a good swimmer, she didn’t join the swim team. She thought that showing off wasn’t what she wanted.
It was the first week of summer vacation and Abby hadn’t stopped swimming. She couldn’t leave the water, even if it was freezing. Her parents made her get out if her lips turned blue, though. They always joked about how Abby would get herself sick in the middle of summer.
But when she did make herself sick she never stayed inside. She was always back in the water. Once she wasn’t sick anymore she was sick again. Her parents didn’t know what to do with her. The doctors at the doctor’s office were never surprised to see her with a cold.
The sun was setting, it made a perfect view. Abby always watched the sun set on the water. It looked like the most magical thing. She did love the sun – and they way it shone on the water, making it different shades of blue – she loved it second, first water.
“Come on Abby! It’s timer for dinner!” Her annoying little brother, Danny, yelled from the house. She gave one last, long look at the setting sun and wiggled her toes. She turned on her heel and ran towards the big lake house her parents owned.
She dipped her feet into the bucket of water her parents set out for her. She bent down and scrubbed all of the sand off her feet. As soon as they were sand less she stepped out onto the rug and wiped the water off of them. As soon as she made sure her feet were clean enough so her mom wouldn’t yell at her she went inside.
She was greeted by the smell of her Mom’s baked chicken and chatter from her huge family. She had three brothers and three sisters, not counting herself – Cody, Ron, Jacob, Madison, Ava, and Arianna. Madison was the oldest.
In overall her whole family was pretty big. Nine family members alone lived in this family, how many in other families? Abby’s Uncle Rob’s family was third -teen. All of her family’s families were all bigger than her family.
“You’re not late today, Abby,” Jacob teased. She was usually teased by how much she loved the water. But none of it was really mean, just friendly. She was in a light mood today so she just laughed this one off.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
It's got an intriguing title and a good introduction. Very descriptive and interesting. The only thing that bothers me is the phrase "All of her family's families were all bigger than her family". Maybe something like "She had a big family, but her Uncle lived with thirteen people".
You've used lots of effective language features, like "the water licked her toes". There's a lot of characters-I'm interested to see what role Abby's siblings will play in the story.
There's not much of the plot given away yet, which makes me want to keep reading to see what direction the story takes.
You say that her annoying little brother Danny calls her into dinner. Then you say that she has three brothers and three sisters: Cody, Ron, Jacob, Madison, Ava, and Arianna.
Where is Danny?
That just confused me. Other wise good story! It made me want to go swimming!
Okay, it's pretty cool so far. There are certainly a lot of ways you can go with this big of an emphasis on water. Abby is definitely characterized well by her love of swimming, and devotion to the water. In places I think your writing could be stronger, like description-wise where you show the reader more of what's going on rather than just stating things. It'll help develop your characters and world better.
This is repetitive
The third sentence is awkward. Maybe something like, "And after every time she recovered, within days she'd be ill again."
Prove how annoying he is through how he calls her, rather than just telling us.
By third-teen think you mean thirteen? And it should be had thirteen.
Overall though, pretty nice start. Keep it going!
Abby stood at the edge of the ocean. The water came up and licked her toes. The wind was blowing, making her blond hair and white skirt blow in the wind. She took a deep breath of air – it smelt clean like salt, water, and sand.
This is repetitive
The third sentance is awkward. Maybe something like, "And after every time she recovered, within days she'd be ill again."
Prove how annoying he is through how he calls her, rather than just telling us.
By third-teeni think you mean thirteen
okay, thanks
That was pretty good I did notice a few other things in there that I think that you could fix.
Right here if you just say "The doctors were never surprised to see her with a cold." I think that your sentence is a little repetitive and you don't need to have that whole bit.
The 'they' here should just be a 'the' here.
This sentence needs more to it I think. You don't really finish it off so it is still a fragment.
You should take the 'In' out of the beginning. It will make more sense this way. I also think that that paragraph needs a little bit of revision.
Other then that I think that this is a great start. Maybe if you made your sentences a little more descriptive it will make the reader become more engaged with the story. Also I think that there needs to be a little more description of the storyline.
Keep up the good work though.
Well if her hair was blowing, of course her hair would be blowing too. That's no fun to imagine. Substitute "blow" with something else, like "dance" or "whisk about".
Your repeating yourself here. Try, "Everyone questioned why she didn't join", since you establish in the former sentence that she is a good swimmer and that she's not joining the swim team in particular.
Comma: "Once she wasn't sick anymore, she was sick again", and add a few words like, "she would find herself sick again". This allows the sentence to flow better, it reads easier and the reader will soak it up more (Soak? Get it? Water? Okay.... I'm not funny).
You need a connector between these two, like "and" or a semi colon. Ex:"The sun was setting and it made a perfect view". How did it make a perfect view? You could tell us that it was perfect, or you could describe all the ways in which it's perfect.
...is this supposed to be thirteen?
Okay, so this is a good start. I'd like to know why she likes the water so much, but I'm sure you tell us later.