Young Writers Society

sorry this time i am editing it

Hi,
The plot so far sounds interesting, good work on that!
But the grammatical stuff, as you've been told, needs work.
Can't wait to read more!

Ooh, intriguing. I'd love to see more of this.

It does need some brushing up of basic grammar points (new line for a new person's speech) and checking up of typos but that's easily sorted. =D

Very interesting. I bit confusing though with how you've spaced the paragraphs. Keep working on it it seems like an interesting and well thought out story.

i am editing it right now!

Sorry guys but I did rush through this last night si I could get some sleep. I am going to edit this and add stuff though.

Ditto what Antares said: Dialogue = new paragraphs! When you read a book, think of how that's set up. Try to mimic that.

Before you post a story, search it for typos. Because one of the biggest problems here is typos and grammar - those aren't too hard to fix. Just re-read what you write carefully before you post, and look for words that stand out and look "wrong". That you know you've read countless times before and they weren't spelled like that.

This is hard to read, the format being the way it is. Edit it a little, and then it'll be easier to look at the story.

PM me if you have any questions~

First things first: take a new paragraph for each new speaker.

Now, on with the review...

Purple smoke fills the ruins of an abandoned city; the sound[s]s[/s] of bombs ring out through the streets.

...their odd clothes dirtied from the mud and dust in the air.

"This war has gotten way out of hand, I... I thought fighting would solve our problems. But... I suppose I was horribly wrong, I am sorry,"[s],[/s] said the young man as he walked beside the [s]a[/s] girl.

"Uncle, this wasn't your fault[s],[/s]. Maybe the humans were right... We don't belong here. Ring Master should have never brought us here, we should have all stayed in 'The Realm of Myst,'"[s],[/s] she said, her purple and sapphire eyes filled with grief.

"No, you're wrong. We do belong here, the humans must see that. You are too young to understand what truly happened," he said with his hands glowing red.

"Something is coming, get ready", he said getting in [s]a[/s] position. The girl copied his movement and her hands glowed blue. A machine crashed through the [s]a[/s] building and many soldiers came running out of it, their guns in hand. They screamed in rage as the started shooting the two people, the girl covered them with a blue force field. The man looked at his niece with sadness in his red eyes, he grabbed her wrist and pressed on the tattoo that lay there. She fell to ground powerless, "Remember I did this to protect you, you were always the strongest of your siblings", the girl couldn't move but she could see and hear just fine. The[s]y[/s] man looked at the soldiers seeing their faces full of disgust, he approached them, "Shoot him now, do not kill that girl!" screamed the one in command.

The cried, she couldn't move no matter what she did. 'The cried'? Huh? Her Uncle fell to the ground, and the soldiers ran to the girl. "She is still alive! Finally after all these years we have her, strap her down she should be paralyzed like this for at least another day since she is still a young one". He kicked her to make sure she wasn't faking it before three soldiers came to her with stretcher, all of the soldiers were coughing from the gasses and smoke, "Hurry before this purple smoke kills us all". The soldiers took her away, surrounding the stretcher to make sure no more of her kind showed up, "I shall be very happy when we at last get rid of these 'Circus Freaks', they should have never some with their... 'Ring Master' I suppose they call him", the leader of the soldiers chuckled as he walked beside the stretcher. "You sound ever so confident", said the girl in an angry voice. The man turned back to the girl, "How may I ask, are you able to talk?". "I am one of the few that can do this, you shouldn't worry though because I can't move". "Hmmm... Well then more surprises from the 'Circus Freaks'". "Just because we dress this way and call our leader the 'Ring Master', doesn't mean we are circus freaks". "My dear girl, you have powers like a freak, and you are a young one you wouldn't possibly understand". "I understand this war is wrong". "As I recall, it was your Uncle who drove us to this fighting, but it is to late now. We have what we needed[s],[/s]. You."

I am a new member and this is my first time reviewing something so I'll try my hardest.
I think that you have many strengths and weaknesses. You have some misspelled words and things like that. What you should do is reread it and edit it. Overall I thought it was interesting, though.

I am a new member and this is my first time reviewing something so I'll try my hardest.
I think that you have many strengths and weaknesses. You have some misspelled words and things like that. What you should do is reread it and edit it. Overall I thought it was interesting, though.