Auxiira

Overall: -I think that you have a very good base idea here, but it really needs to be edited and embellished. -You can roll all of these chapters into one. ...

Hey Twinkle! Auxiira here to review!! The first four paragraphs seem sorta strange in this. Is he saying them? Is he thinking them? Who is her talking to? Why is ...

Hey Ikerot! Auxiira here to review! Ohhh dystopia! Me like! It's my fave genre! I'm going to do the first paragraph sentence by sentence, just because I can!^^(insert evil laugh) ...

Hey Jay! Auxiira here to review! - and as it kept falling I think that if you want to have more impact, you should maybe put a comma after "and". ...

Hey ABM53190! Auxiira here to review! - These probably meaningless, but only to be fair - maybe not. They're probably meaningless, no? - peek I think that you mean "peak". ...

-Hey XheidiXhohox (wow that's a lot of x's)! Auxiiira here to review! I pick stuff up as I go along, so if I repeat stuff, just ignore it! - grandparents ...

Hey TheSunChildren! Auxiira here to review!! I really like the Prologue, as it gives some insight into what is going on and the back-ground of the country. I quite a ...

The blackness had engulfed me some time ago when I had first stepped onto the road not taken. Blackness is a word, but here it doesn't read smoothly. Try darkness, ...

I've done the same as you, but try not to start your story by a block of description. Include it later on in the story, tie it to other places. ...

huuum again, semi-colons. Tauren and Detrick gazed about the room in amazement; the room was huge, the repetition of "the room" isn't needed. you can say "the room in amazement. ...

Some few of them A few of them. one spot. Where he You need a comma instead of a full-stop. And the smaller heap Lose the "And". rocks simply went ...

He seemed in a trance "seemed entranced" sounds a little better. Wait, who seems in a trance? You've just had Tauren smile, so it seems to the reader that it's ...

Heeeya Blackie! Auxiira again! Same old, same old. Apostrophes on names, where instead of were, sentence length yada yada. I'm not going to go on about that stuff. Try and ...

Hey Soulkana! Auxiira here to review! I think that this has potential, you just need to sort it out a bit. I just going to go through and point out ...

Hey AngelOrchid! Auxiira here to review your work! I love the imagery in this piece! It's beautiful. The repetition of "A" at the beginning of every sentence in the third ...