Chapter One
The Forgotten Fire
YEAR 1703ES
The Southern Wars were long over. The last king of old Arinalgar had been dead for sixteen years. The aging and tattered banners of the High Lord’s new republic still clung to the skyline above crooked chimneys. A lonely girl named Ember sat by her window as she always did, hidden from the world. She watched as snows fell and flowers bloomed in the city that struggled on day by day. All her life she was unaware of who or what she was, or what was to one day be expected of her. Her fiery bronze hair hung over her shoulders as she sat huddled upon her bed, thinking to herself as she usually did. She wiped her fringe from her olive green eyes and rubbed them as if to brush off her tiredness. There were silent whispers in her mind, voices she could not control. For years they had taunted her, yet she could not tell what they were saying for they were either mumbled or spoken in a language she couldn’t speak. She twitched her eyes both at the voices she heard and the sun that entered the room. She had always been weak to sunlight.
“Ember?” a louder voice called from across the room. “Sharla?” she answered sleepily. “What’s the matter?”
“Oh nothing” she smiled, coming over and sitting besides her big sister on the bed, although her own bed was only a meter or so away. Ember was only a couple of years older yet both girls looked very much alike in height and appearance, save for Sharla having flowing black hair, dark as the night itself. “Mother said she wants to tell you something” Sharla smirked as if she was up to something. She was already dressed in a dark dress with long sleeves as she preferred - something she and her sister differed on.
“I suppose I better get ready then, shouldn’t I?” Ember sighed. She watched as her little sister left their room giggling to herself, but she was used to her antics now. Sharla had always been the rebellious and mischievous one, enjoying the ability to leave the home, something Ember had always envied, something she wished she knew the reason for. The sisters had only ever had each other as friends; they meant the world to one another despite all their petty arguments and clashing personalities.
Ember put her hair up in her preferred style of a ponytail as she began to make her way downstairs, wearing her sleeveless dress and sweeping her fridge above her eyes once again. “Ember, you really are up late!” Sharla quirked at the bottom step. “No, sis” Ember shook her head “You’re just awake early and being noisier than you usually are, now, be quiet!”
In the living room she found her mother, Emlyn, stood by the window, fondling a pendant upon her neck. She looked much like an older Sharla, looking quite youthful for her age. She wore thick clothing, huddled where she stood as if she couldn’t get warm. “Mother, you wanted to speak to me?” asked Ember.
“Oh, Em!” she jumped. “Has Sharla been telling you lies again?”
“You said you wanted her, mother!” Sharla argued with a smile. “You ran off before I could finish, darling!” Emlyn fought back condescendingly. “I was saying I want Ember, yes, to stay upstairs! We have a visitor from the Court of Generals arriving soon and we don’t want them to see Ember here, do we. Only the gods know why they’re paying us another visit…”
“Maybe you should ask them” Sharla suggested sarcastically, fiddling with a necklace she had in her pocket. “Hey, enough cheek from you, young lady! Take your sister upstairs and wait until the whitecoat has gone!” Emlyn ordered. Sharla rolled her eyes and gave a deep sigh “Fine!” she grumbled. “Wait, why should I be so uninterested?!” she questioned out loud “I’ve got the company of my wonderful sister to enjoy!”
“Don’t push it, sis!” Ember nudged her playfully.
They then began to climb the creaking stairs, side by side. “You haven’t been stealing again have you, Shar?” Ember asked. Sharla made a weird noise and giggled “Em, would I do a thing like that?”
“You don’t expect me to answer that, do you?” Ember ran her fingers along torn areas of wallpaper going up the stairs, exposing old cob webbed bricks behind. Once they had reached the narrow landing Ember turned to face her sister “Shar, I think we have enough of your stolen things to last us a life time.”
“And I’ll keep going!” Sharla declared. “I need to…”
She then opened the door to their shared bedroom and turned to justify herself “…it’s not like anyone cares what anyone does anymore. We need to survive, Em, believe it or not I am helping us all!”
The bedroom consisted of four grey walls which surrounded the sisters, the white plastered ceiling showed strain in the centre where a wooden beam was coming through, causing the ceiling to crack ever so slightly either side. Two beds were at either ends of the room, Ember’s was near the window where holes in the rotting frames made the room cold, and Sharla’s was nearer the door besides a rickety wardrobe. Ember closed the door after she and her sister were alone in the room. But it was only as it shut that the front door knocked. The girls both looked at each other conspicuously in silence as they heard their mother grumbling to herself downstairs.
“Oh, an enforcer” she said, gazing up and down at the man’s blue coat “…and I was expecting someone from the army. What can I do you for? I mean, I know what you want. You’re from the Court of Lords, so you either want money or to arrest me” and she held her hands out with a whimsical look “I confess!”
There was frustration in the man’s eyes, and he sighed as he answered. “No ma’am. With Arncourt’s growing population it is necessary to carry out a byannual concensus!”
“I didn’t know this city was such a popular place to live. It seems outsiders get all the benefits of employment…cheap labour I guess”. The enforcer was now clearly on the edge of striking her for her attitude. “Eh! Watch it!” he snapped.
Sharla sat down on Ember’s bed whilst Ember herself went to the window and stood gazing out into the skyline. She saw a shadow pass over the ground and looked up to see a small bird gliding across, but she lost trace of it when something far greater caught her attention; the sun, burning furiously in the sky. Its glowing entity hung in her black pupils, appearing as doomed planets being engulfed by a shroud of flames. Slowly the smile went from her face as she found her self fixated on its burning surface. It seemed all sound around her went silent as if there was nothing there; bird songs and speech were mere noises in the mind. Even her sister’s voice failed to wake her “Em?” “Em!” Sharla violently shook her sister’s arm. "What’s the matter Shar?!” Ember yelled. “Nothing Em…” she answered worriedly. “Just stop looking at the sun…it’ll hurt your eyes”
“I feel fine” Ember insisted, sitting next to her sister. Her bed was tidy and the duvet straight, but she gazed across to Sharla’s, which was messy and half touching the floor. She had never been one for discipline.
Emlyn was conserved as she spoke, or at least she tried to be. She smirked slightly at the strange little man in his blue surcoat. “Now, I will ask you the main question, Miss Galinoth” She cleared her throat as she corrected him. “It’s ‘Mrs’ actually”
“So, where is your husband, does he live here?”
A sadness quicly took hold of Emlyn, and she frowned as she struggled to admit the truth. “No…he does not”. “Miss it is then” the enforcer sighed, scribbling down her title in the book he held. “Miss Emlyn, how many of you actually live here?”
Her fire had been put out, and she lowered her eyes in sorrow. “…two live here, myself, and my daughter, Sharla”
“That should be it for now. See, it was not hard!” said the enforcer. “It has come to the attention of both Courts that the thieving cult is still at large. Under the Acts of Scrutiny put in place 1551ES, we are obligated to say that if are found to be hiding information that could lead to the persecution of criminals, you will he taken before the Court of Lords and hanged depending if your perversion is considered serious enough. That’ll be all for now”
“I wish mother would let me out Shar” Ember sighed. “I’ve spent all my life in this house” She stood up and began to pace around the room, deep in thought. Sharla grinned as she tried to be encouraging “Why don’t you sneak out Em? Come on, I sneak around all the time, and I never get caught! Sneak out with me!”
“The difference is Shar; you take stuff that isn’t yours. Mother told me that if I ever go outside, people will try and end me. The tough thing is I don’t know why they will try and end me. I have always been too afraid to ask for the truth!”
"Charming thing for mother to tell you, I'm sure. It makes a change from 'be strong, it'll make your father proud'" both sisters looked at one another with a familiar look. "I know, Shar, I have heard it too many times before"
"And what's worse, Em…I never knew him, as much as I want to. The gods will never bring him back as mother hopes…the gods don’t exist!" Both girls then heard their mother raise her voice at the visitor and quickly looked at the bedroom door, then back at each other. “I thought he'd have gone by now? What do you think he's mumbling on about now?" asked Sharla.
“I don’t know sis, I guess it’s probably about thieves picking the city clean again? Another thing we hear of way too often…I can’t understand why though!” Ember’s smirk was a little demeaning. “You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” Sharla gave her a scornful gaze. “Hey, I’ve not taken anything much recently, Em-”
“Well that makes a change”
Sharla giggled as her sister spoke the truth “Oh be quiet” she grinned “Just because you’re older than me…” as she spoke, her hand reached out and grabbed a pillow behind her. Her arm swung round to strike her sister in the face, but Ember saw it coming, and she pushed the pillow away before it hit her. It fell to the floor as Ember then tried to tickle her sister, and Sharla could not take it. She jittered from the bed and fell upon the floor by the pillow, her back knocking the small table behind her. She made quite a racket, and shook the room as she fell. Ember laughed at her sister’s clumsiness, worse than it usually was.“It’s getting cold, isn’t it?” she asked, rubbing her arms. She went and opened the wardrobe, and as the doors opened, a round black box fell from the top shelf. Ember dived out of the way as it plummeted heavily to the floorboards, making an even louder noise. Both sisters stood over it and waited as the echo of the noise died down.
“What in the name of the gods, was that?!” the enforcer cried. “That did not sound like one person!” His foot stepped into the doorway, but Emlyn pushed him back out. “My daughter has a friend over, leave them be! I will not let your sort anywhere near them!”
Sharla stared at the box. It was about the size of a dinner plate, and it had gold hinges and a gold latch with gilded patterns riddled upon the sides. Upon the lid was an ancient inscription unlike anything either of the girls had seen before. “What…what is this?” asked Sharla, bending down to pick it up. Ember’s hand snap closed around her wrist. "Shar, let me” she insisted, gently removing her hand and lifting the box from the floor. “I haven’t seen this for years”. She placed it upon the shelf under the small table between the two beds and that was the end of the matter. It seemed as gently as Ember put it down a loud bang still sounded, though it soon became obvious that it was the door slamming shut. Girls, it’s fine now! He’s gone!” Emlyn yelled up the stairs. As she walked into the lounge she saw a hunched figure approaching, dragging themselves from the house nextdoor. “Oh isn’t this a surprise!” she quirked. Leant against the doorframe she waited for the gentle knock, and with little manners intended she flung open the door and sighed. “Miss Lilion. What can I do for you today?”
An old woman stood before her, her hair white and her face pale. She looked around as if someone was looking for her, and then back at Emlyn. “Have you just had a visit from the Court of Lords too?” she asked. “Yes, Lilion, I have. Everyone in the damned city is getting a visit from the enforcers!”
“Oh!” the old woman gasped. “Do you think they’re actually looking for the Sun Child? I hear that the High Lord wants now to find them before they ascend to the Calamaran throne”
Emlyn rolled her eyes in derision “You still believe they were born to the Empire? We would know by now if they were! Anyway, the Courts are trying to route out the thieving cult…and not some myth!”
“I heard a few things” Lilion grunted. “Yes – well, you hear a lot of things don’t you…” Emlyn grumbled.
“What was that my dear?” the old woman queried. “Oh, don’t worry…I didn’t say anything!”
Lilion then grunted at her ignorance before walking off without a goodbye. “Why cant the Court of Generals throw her in armour? At least she would need no sword…her voice alone could kill someone!”
The sisters had always secretly laughed at how their mother spoke to visitors she didn’t like. She didn’t like people being nosey, and rarely went out of her way to meet people since her husband went missing.
As darkness crept in, the sisters were warmed by the light of the candle between their beds. Sharla’s bed was still a mess, whilst Ember’s was fairly tidy as she sat reading a book. The flickering shadow of the candle lit the pages, and Ember turned to face it, which seemed to disturb it a little. “That’s odd” she thought to herself, not taking any notice. However, as she peered over again, the candle shook once more. Something seemed to call out to her, and she looked down at the box on the shelf of the drawers. Ember then put the book down, hung from her bed and tried to reach the haunting object. There was something peculiar about it. She could not reach, and she fell from the bed with a loud bang. Suddenly they heard their mother call out “Is everything all right girls?”
“Yes mother, everything is fine, Ember is…I’m not sure, but we’re all right!” Sharla yelled back. “Em, what, are you doing?” she queried with an unimpressed smirk. “I would imagine the bed is more comfy to sleep in!”
“Got it!” Ember announced, lifting the box up to the bed with her. She placed her hands upon the hinges and lifted them to raise the lid. A gold shine lit up her face, and it made her squint for a moment as the candle light reflected in her eyes. “Fifteen years it’s been” she whispered.
A crown lay nested within a velvet lining. It had five tall points rising upwards with the tallest in the centre, and below it was a blue gem – a sapphire. A gold chain hung from either side of the headband which was made to fit around the wearer’s head. Ember could immediately see that this was no ordinary crown – it must have belonged to someone special. Sharla looked across and saw Ember was contemplating whether to touch the artifact. She sat up in her bed and craned her neck to look closer. “Em, what is that?" she asked. No reply came, for Ember just stared at the crown in silence. Sharla swung her legs out of her duvet and went over to her sister’s side “Can…can I have a look?” she asked. Ember nodded hesitantly “Ok, but you mean ‘look’ not what you call ‘look’. With your eyes, not your fingers” She saw the reflection of her sister approach in the crown’s surface and shifted over so that she could sit next to her. “Where did you get that?” she asked “It’s not something I’ve seen before, and its not something I’ve stolen”
Ember shook her head and looked at her sister “You haven’t seen it because I have never looked at it, nor do I really want to. There’s something about it which seems odd. I feel like it is trying to tell me something” she sighed, rubbing her head in confusion. “I don’t suppose you remember that dream I told you about, do you?” she asked. “I’ll remember it if you tell me” Sharla said, moving a little closer. Ember took a deep breath before she began. “Alright”. “I was five years of age when I first felt a connection to the crown. It was a gift from mother if I remember…well, I can’t think whereelse I would have got it from”
“No, not even I would steal something like that” Sharla stammered. Ember took a moment before she continued. “Touching the crown caused me to have a dream one night. I dreamt of a shroud of fire, and stuck in the middle, was a young girl.I could have sworn it was me, but then she screamed, and they fire blew outwards into my face. Both the sound and the touch of the fire, whilst within my dream, woke me up, and the scream continued to destroy my thoughts. Everything began to go dark, my mind and heart began to race and burn all at once...I tried to scream but nothing came out!”
“You see, Sharla, that is why I have never told you or let you see this thing. I know your love for gold will only compel you to ‘have a look’ and I don’t want you to go through that sort of pain”
Sharla thought for a few moments, her eyes fixed upon it. “It’s not hurting you now? What’s so dangerous? Why shouldn’t I touch it?” she asked, moving even closer. Ember “I still don’t want to risk it. you’re my sister, and I can’t bear to see you in that sort of pain” but before she could think, Sharla was pressing the ends of her fingers into the crowns cold golden surface and deep down she did feel something, a distant pain inside her. “Look…nothing…” she said. Slowly she then went back to her own bed and faced away from Ember, rubbing her fingers together as they still tingled from whatever she felt. Ember was still staring mercilessly at the crown; her grip on it began to tighten unintentionally and eratically. Something came over her, and she rubbed her head as her mind began to ache.
Sharla turned over again and watched nervously as Ember’s lasting fixation on the crown caused the candle between the beds to grow taller and taller, flickering wildly. “Em, what ever that thing is…stop staring at it, something’s happening!” she cried. Ember could not break from her gaze, as if she could not even hear her sister’s pleading. Sharla could only watch as the fire began to shake the floor of the bedroom, the walls began to shudder as the flame began unravelling into a burning form. “Em!” she screamed again as she saw the veins on her sister’s hand grow dark. As quickly as it happened, the shadow died down, and Ember turned to face her sister as if she was not quite sure what had just happened.
She stared at the crown, still midly enticed by the secrets that it held. Sharla took the crown from her sister’s hand and locked it away in its box again. “Keep it away from you!” she ordered. Ember seemed shocked by her sister’s attitude, but she did as she was told. Sharla then blew out the candle and made sure Ember was comfortable in bed. “Just relax, sis” she insisted. “You’ll be alright”.
Ember closed her eyes, and as she slept her mind drifted away into a land the likes of which she had never seen before. Dust and soot hurled around like a storm before her, forming from the bleakness a long and high hallway, held up by statues holding hands in the cross vaults of the ceiling. Ivy wound around their arms and draped down into the hallway, and it was then that Ember realised she was looking through the eyes of someone else. Pale and nimble hands appeared before her, brushing the ivy aside. The beat of her heart boomed in the ears, and not even her footsteps echoed as she trod through the low light. Torches withered in her presence, shuddering and pulsing in her wake. Two doors lay ahead, and Ember saw herself push them open. A large room lay before her, held up by grand black pillars, gilded with the finest of fittings and guarded by a ring of statues of both emperors and empresses, breathing fire from their bare hands. It was a strange vision. Nothing seemed realistic. Smoke drifted between the pillars, and fire hung within the ceiling.
The girl Ember saw herself as delved further into the room and it began to dissolve as if it was decaying back into dust, aging a hundred years every moment. The statues were torn clean of their glimmering paint; the pillars crumbled into the winds that threw the smoke and dust around the room. The same wind Ember could feel on her face as she looked through the eye of the storm. It blew her hair out before her; thick bronze strands of hair, but not Ember’s. It was then that she realised she must have been the girl she saw in her dream all that time ago…the haunting child, now grown up
Through flying debris there appeared a tall figure of whom Ember could only make out a crown above their head, for they were made of shadow and fire and what appeared to be melting gold. They walked through the crashing rubble as if all was normal, and they held their hand out at Ember’s face. “Sahfire” they growled. “Why did you come back? The Sun Children bring only destruction to that which they love and cherish! You will watch as your world falls around you, and everyone you love will perish in your fires! Feel your heart broken in two between who were born to be and who you want to be, but break your heart where it will not be felt! For here you are not welcome!” Suddenly, the far reaching hand of the figure dissolved to the winds, as did the rest of his form. Darkness began to close in, and the girl appeared before Ember once again, as if she was no longer seeing the world through her eyes. Her figure began to decay, and as the flesh and blood coloured dress cracked, the twisting wrath of flames could be seen underneath until all had vanished, and the burning form of the girl was left, as if she was made entirely of fire, and she felt the darkness swallowing her. The ground began to shake and she screamed a deathly cry that erupted into a bursting light that send Ember crashing out of the dream. The sound of the cry seemed to then come through Ember’s own mouth as she awoke and gasped loudly with sweat on her brow.
She looked desperately around the room, trying to make sense of what she had just seen. Sharla was still sleeping soundly, breathing silently in an awkward position in her messy bed as she always did. Ember smiled to herself to see that her little sister was safe. She had so many questions. She recognised the symbol on tapestries from books she had read – books that were actually banned from being read. But it seemed fairly obvious where Sharla had gotten her thieving talent from; their father. But what puzzled Ember was; who was Sahfire? Ember had read somewhere that she was known as a ‘Sun Child’ but wasn’t entirely sure what that was.
The morning had arrived once more and the ceiling was suddenly lit by a streak of amber light, the sun’s glow broke through into the room. Sharla went to the window and opened the curtains, bursting sunlight into her sister’s face once again. Ember groaned as she shielded her eyes behind her arm. “Oh, sorry Em!” Sharla giggled. Even as Ember hid her eyes from the sun, its energy still breached her mind and Sharla watched as the candle between the two beds burst into flame. She pretended not to notice. She did not to worry her struggling sister. She did however, marvel at how the flame flickered in time with Ember’s pulse. “What’s happening to me?!” cried Ember. “I never used to be like this!” and she began to tremble with nerves, staring darkly at the possessed flame as she saw Sharla staring at it. “I don’t know what you mean Em, nothing’s wrong.” she replied. “Just relax, I’m sure a lot of people our age experience this sort of thing…which means I’m still yet to go through it, but…I’m not really helping am I?”
Ember was warmed by her sister’s babbling and smiled faintly. “I’m scared Sharla” she whispered. Her sister then put her arms around her and Ember likewise. “I’m afraid of what is becoming of me!”
“I’ll be with you through whatever happens, Em, you know I will!” Ember nodded knowingly. “I know Shar, you’re a great sister”
“Almost as good as you then, Em” Sharla then looked sincerely into her sister’s eyes which seemed saddened and in distress with a silent pain. Deep down she too feared what was happening to Ember, but she hadn’t a clue what it was. Many times the girls found themselves having these moments, the closest of friends they were, more than sisters.
Later that day, whilst Sharla was out with her mother Ember sat by the window in the room upstairs, looking out into the world. The dream she had felt too real to be seen as mere figment of her imagination. It felt like she was actually there. It had to mean something. What ever had happened whilst she was asleep, it must have had something to do with the crown. It seemed to have some sort of power over her that she could neither control nor explain. A shadow passed by the window and once again Ember looked up at the sun without realising. Something came with her glare, and she felt something deep within her. It was a pain unlike any she had experienced before. It felt as if her soul was being torn apart and she tried to scream, but nothing came from her mouth. Quickly she grovelled away in agony, and close to collapsing. She pulled herself up and lay on her bed until the pain had suddenly passed, shuddering and shivering as it did. More and more the crown seemed to be haunting her. What were the girl and her mysterious crown trying to tell her?
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Ok, thank you both, your time is appreciated! I have moved the entire first section into a prologue (i had made one without actually realising?!) And so i will work on that. The changing POVs was more of a test to try and make it cinematic almost, because when i write it, to me it is like filing a movie. It's not something i see very often, so yeah..that bit was more of a test. You see films that go from no real perspective and slowly move into third person, and i suppose that's where my quam stems from. I shall humbly begin restoration
And i do care about grammar etc. It's just not my strong point. Plot and characterisation are my better areas, but grammar i know needs work on. I understand that structure need work, that is another part i've always struggled with...I look at different books and they all seem to have differing structures so i'm never quite sure what to do.
yeah the chapter is too long also, but the truth is, it gets worse;
Chapter1 6990
Chapter2 8041
Chapter3 7764
Chapter4 9688
Chapter5 7040
Chapter6 6060 45583
Chapter7 9637
Chapter8 8446
Chapter9 10789
Chapter10 11032
Chapter11 12024
Chapter12 12017 63945
109528
So i think perhaps more chapters may be in order (cutting the others ones up i mean)
Thanks again both!
TSC.
Hi there, Stella here!
Firstly, the truth is, I DO care about punctuation and grammar and spelling. They are like an artist's paintbrushes, you need to keep them in order for your story to work the way you want to. So when I see a writer who claims that they don't need reviews on these things but clearly have made no efforts to make them good, well, that makes me think that that writer doesn't want to be taken seriously. Because a serious writer takes care of their tools. So, if you want to be taken seriously by me or by a lot of others, I suggest you work on these. Your dialogue punctuation was all over the place, your paragraphing needs work, there was an instance of "you're" instead of "your". You need to start working on these if you want to tell a good story. The story is nothing if the storytelling is poor.
So there's some food for thought.
I also think that this was all way too big for a first chapter, I would break it up into two, maybe three. It doesn't make sense to put all of this together in one, there are too many separate components. But to be honest, I didn't like the first bit at all. After the prologue introductory paragraph, the second section switches too much from omniscience to close third person. Pick a point of view and stick to it. I also found this section very info dumpy. Try and avoid large paragraphs of explanation. Instead, work the history and detail into dialogue and action, spoonfeed us. Otherwise, we forget it all! I can't remember almost anything from that first section, because there was too much at once.
Once we got to the girls, things began to run much more smoothly and it seemed more like a story I would want to read.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Hey TheSunChildren! Auxiira here to review!!
I really like the Prologue, as it gives some insight into what is going on and the back-ground of the country. I quite a few novels - such as mine - you don't get any of that...
I would have put the second part (1703EOS) as a second chapter, to break it up a bit because by then, my mind was starting to wander.
Overall, it's pretty good! You have a slight tendency to do paragraphs that a a little too informative, and I found my eyes slipping across those sometimes. You miss out a few commas here and there and you might want to have a leeetle look at you sentence structure - sometimes it's a little back to front. Otherwise, I really like you're writing style, it seems almost ... noble? (what I'm trying to say sounds better in french...) Ton style à quelque chose de noble. There we go!
This is really good! I would have corrected grammar and sentence structure, but since you asked us not to...
Hope this helped and keep on writing!
Auxiira^^